I’m fine 

I’m fine. I’m lost. I’m floating and alone. I’m so far away, I feel like I’m standing behind myself. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore; I’m not sure how I got here. Wasn’t it just a week ago I was writing out a list of all the ways I’ve made progress and feeling so good about that? 

I’ve fallen into this self destructive place, this self punishment place. I hate who I am. I’m needy and bad and wrong. I want to pack up my things and run away. Just get in my car and go. I’m a mess. This isn’t okay. But I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine because I have to be. I’m going to go do some sewing now, and try to interact with my daughter like a good mom. Which I’m not. I’m not a good anything. 

And my therapist is on vacation, and still I’m emailing. I can’t give her a break. I can’t be normal. And my one best friend is out of town, out of the state really, also on vacation, and my other best friend hates me and I think my husband wants to leave me, and only loves me when I sleep with him. I’m not okay. But I’m fine. 

19 thoughts on “I’m fine ”

  1. Sirena says:

    I hate those times when you have to be “fine” but you’re not okay, it’s just such a jarring place to be in. Personally I think you’re a really good mother. But what I think isn’t what’s important, it’s how you feel. I hope you can get some respite from these feelings soon.

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    • Thanks for this. It is a jarring place to be. And it’s nice to hear I’m okay, and a good mom. I just feel like I screw it up so much, and she is triggering me a lot this weekend and I try to push through that and be okay, but it’s hard. It’s hard because it’s hard and it’s hard because I’m so scared I’m going to screw her up.

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      • Sirena says:

        I can’t imagine how scary and exhausting it must be to have a kid and go through this stuff. You’re not going to screw her up because you are “good enough”, you don’t need to be perfect and also she has Bea too right? I think that’s amazing, to acknowledge that your child needs extra support. Many parents wouldn’t admit to that and THAT is what makes you a great mother!

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  2. So now that you got that out…breathe. The overwhelm will pass and you will remember that you remember and forgot. That’s one of my favorite things that my T has told me. We remember and forgot the progress we make and to breathe and believe in the goodness that exists inside of us.

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      • I haven’t been for weeks. Crap, two months. I feel gross. I’m sort of embarrassed to go show up. I don’t know. I should go. But I just….I don’t know. I just feel gross. What if I can’t do everything I used to be able to? What if I’m the fattest person there? I don’t know. I feel gross. I’m scared to go back. 😕😞

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      • The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible is not the goal. Standing on your hands is not the goal.
        The goal is to create space where you were once stuck. To unveil the layers of protection you’ve built around your heart. To appreciate your body and become aware of your mind and the noise it creates. To make peace with who you are. The goal is to love, well… You.
        Come to your yoga mat to feel; not to accomplish. Shift your focus and your heart will grow. —Rachel Brathen–

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  4. from the Secret Garden”

    What you’ve got to do is finish
    What you have begun!
    I don’t know just how
    But it’s not over till you’ve won.

    When you see the storm is coming
    See the lightning part the skies
    It’s too late to run
    There’s terror in your eyes

    What you do then is remember
    This old thing you heard me say
    “It’s the storm, not you
    That’s bound to blow away”

    Hold on
    Hold on to someone standing by
    Hold on
    Don’t even ask how long or why?

    Child, hold on to what you know is true
    Hold on till you get through
    Child, oh child
    Hold on

    When you feel your heart is poundin’
    Fear a devil’s at your door
    There’s no place to hide
    You’re frozen to the floor

    What you do then is you force yourself
    To wake up, and just say
    “It’s this dream, not me
    That’s bound to go away”

    Hold on
    Hold on, the night will soon be by
    Hold on
    Until there’s nothing left to try

    Child, hold on, there’s angels on their way
    Hold on and hear them say
    “Child, oh child!”

    And it doesn’t even matter
    If the danger and the doom
    Come from up above or down below
    Or just come flying at you from across the room

    Tell yourself to wait it out
    And say “It’s this day, not me
    That’s bound to go away”

    Child, oh hold on
    It’s this day, not you
    That’s bound to go away

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  5. Pingback: FLUTTER-BY GREEN #3 | Patricia J Grace

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