It’s not what you think. I’m already a married woman. I’ve set a date to come clean to my hubby, and tell him the truth about my past.
Tuesday September 9. (If you believe in good thoughts, prayers, whatever, I’ll take them all.)
I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m debating about running away and starting a new life in Lomdon. Or Paris, except I don’t speak French.
Prior to this date setting, I had created a list of pros and cons for telling him. Bea and I worked through that. Then we worked through my fears of how hurt he would be, how betrayed he would feel, how mad he might be. Then we worked through my fears that he might be mad at my parents. With each fear worked through, I had a new one ready and waiting.
And then, hubby told me that his shrink (yes, he sees a shrink, too, but that’s his story to tell for now) wanted me to come to a session on September 4. Well, when Bea had recommended Marge to hubby, I had signed a release so Bea could talk to Marge. She informed her that I was in therapy for trauma and couples therapy would not be helpful until I told hubby my past. Marge was not supposed to ask hubby to have me to to therapy until Bea gave the green light!
Clearly, Bea never have the green light. With hubby wanting me to go to his shrink so we could work on marriage communication stuff, I almost had to schedule a day. This way I can back out of his appointment, with an explanation of needing to tell him some things first.
I’m not taking a very active role at this point, but it’s all I can do. I told Bea that she’s going to have to talk first, so she will. I asked her to tell hubby that I’m scared. So she will. She said she will talk about trauma and PTSD. Then I can say the few sentences we are practicing.
When I was a child we had a male babysitter who sexually abused me.
When I was 18 and in college I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship.
After that, she will talk, he can ask questions, and I can join the conversation or dissociate. Whatever I want to do.
We also talked about how I feel like I should sit like a “grown up” but I’ll really want to sit like I always do when I’m at therapy. Bea told me to sit how I always sit, to be authentic. I also told her if she knows I’m not “here”, don’t let hubby just go to hug me or try to comfort me.
I’m really nervous. I’m afraid he won’t see me the same, that he will think of me as damaged or broken. I’m afraid he won’t know how to behave around me. I’m afraid he will feel lied to, or like I cheated him. Even though I don’t really want to be touched right now, I’m afraid he’ll be disgusted and never want to touch me again. I’m afraid he will think I’m bad, dirty, disgusting.
Even if he can accept all of this, and still wants me, I’m afraid of the after. I did not grow up in a home where things were dealt with. I don’t know what to do with this once it’s told. I don’t know how to act, except to pretend nothing was told and everything is fine. That’s my working model of life. Shove it under the rug, pretend everything is okay, be perfect. So what happens after he knows? How am I supposed to act? How is he supposed to act?
I always wanted the family I made for myself to be different than the one I grew up in. I just didn’t realize how hard that would be.