I want to be in therapy……then why do I struggle with talking, behave like a teenager who is being forced to be there, resist talking about things Bea says we need to talk about?
Why is it so hard to behave like an adult? I know I need to go, I legitimately want to be there. I would be upset of I had to miss one of my two weekly appointments. So why can’t I get the words out? Why do I struggle to say what I want to say? Why do I still feel the need to give the “right” answer or to say the “right” thing, when I know that Bea is only there to help me, and she can not help me if I am not honest. Why is it so hard?
Every week I tell myself, “no more. Today you don’t hide your face. Today you sit like an adult. Today you will talk about what you need to talk about.” Instead, I freeze. Talking about anything that isn’t idle chit chat, or about someone else, is too much for me. If I have to open up, even a little bit, about myself, it’s terrifying. Which is probably surprising. Because I talk a lot, but never about anything that is real, that could make me feel even a little bit vulnerable is hard to talk about.
I make Bea do a lot of talking, I struggle to get words out, I sit in silence, I, stare at the floor. Sometimes, I’ll even know what I want to say, but find it hard to say out loud to another person. So I struggle. Bea will sometimes guess and try to be helpful.
I wonder if it’s odd, to want to be in therapy, to be the one who takes yourself, to show up every week, and to still not talk?
I’ll have to ask Bea. Maybe this would be a good thing to explore next week while we are taking a break and working on safety.