The walls I built around my anger……..

Trigger warning for just about everything, I think. Sexual abuse, eating disorder, cutting, swearing,– lots of swearing– I don’t know what else. Please just read with caution. I’m not normally an angry person, but I’m feeling quite mad today

The walls I built around my anger are unable to contain all the mad I am feeling at the moment…………..

Anger scares me. I push it down, don’t acknowledge it. Sometimes it sneaks past, and I snap or yell, explode without meaning to. Mostly though, anger is buried deep down. It’s walled off. Long ago, I built walls around my anger and any anger I feel, I shove down to be contained by those walls.

I want to cry. I want to yell at someone. Probably Hubby, as he is safe to yell at. Well, he was safe. I’m not sure he is safe to yell at anymore. Bea has described him as my attachment figure; if he is my attachment figure, then I should be able to yell at him and know that he will still love me and so it will be safe to let all this mad out at him, much the way Kat lets all her mad out at me. But I don’t think it’s safe to let my mad out at Hubby any longer. Which only makes me more mad.

Ever since I’ve had the realization, a few weeks ago now, that HE (childhood abuser) had sex with me, I have wanted to scream it at Hubby. In our normal, everyday married life moments, I have had this urge to look at him and scream, to yell,” HE had sex with me. “. I want the contrast of the moments, I want to shock him, make him realize the difference of my lives, the normal vs the abuse, I want him to see. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I am so damn angry with Hubby.

Things have been rocky with Hubby, with our marriage for a while. It’s mostly my fault. Because I am the way I am, messy, emotional, push then pull, not perfect, I don’t know. I yell at the drop of a hat. Not on purpose. I know this, though. I also know that this summer, after things with Kat’s autism settled down, and life was fairly smooth and I had nothing to focus on, my anger started to leak out more. I yelled at Hubby a lot. I even yelled at Kat. (I still yell sometimes, I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth, and maybe the the truth will help someone else.)

I thought things would be better after I told Hubby the truth. I thought I would be able to continue telling him more of my truth, my past and my present struggles, and together we would get to know me. And don’t get me wrong, he has been supportive, he is a good husband, and he does love me, love our little family. Of that I have no doubt. He is also so good at saying the right thing, and making great gestures; loving me for being Alice, creating a hiding place for me so I don’t have to hide in the closet like a scared 5 year old anymore, finding an Alice down the rabbit hole necklace to help me remember to stay out of the rabbit holes.

But, he likes his world to be pretty. He likes his world to be easy, nice, relaxing, unruffled. And that’s the problem. I am none of those things right now. I am ruffled, and stormy and messy. I am loud. I am going to interrupt the relaxing times, and makes things hard. Last week, we had a fight, which ended with me feeling like I was back in the family I grew up in, after I attempted to talk it out with him several times.

I’ve done an experiment this weekend, starting on Thursday. I have been the perfect wife again, the girl he met. I have been unruffled and uncomplicated. I have made dinners he likes, cleaned things up everyday (I’m working my way through the house), offered to do things he likes, made no complaints, only spoken of surface things, asked questions about things like his video game (and watched him play), I’ve made things nice and pretty for him.

Last night he said to me, “I’m glad that you are feeling better. Therapy combined with yoga must be really helping. And Dr. B. must be helping the fibro and migraine pain. I feel like we are a team again. I’m glad we’ve been talking so much lately, it’s made such a difference.”

Talking?!?!? We haven’t been talking. I’ve been fucking trying. He’s been shutting it down. Ugh!

I want to yell at Bea, tell her that I NEVER should have listened to her. That she screwed up everything. That thanks to her, I believed that I could tell Hubby everything and things would be different. But they aren’t. Because he does not fucking care! He wants his perfect fucking world. That’s it. My experiment proves that, she can’t argue with it. The shitty thing is, she’ll try. I know she will. She will get all damn shrinky on me and try. Why the hell did I listen to her?!?! Stupid. Stupid. I trusted her. Why the fuck did I?

I’m so mad at myself. I’m so mad at Hubby, at Bea. I believed them. The walls I built, the ways I related to everyone for years to stay safe, I changed those ways; I tried a new way with Bea and Hubby, I lowered the walls. I’d always kept people at a distance, even those closest to me– even my husband!— had no idea of my feelings, my inner thoughts, my past, my childhood memories, who I really was. Not to mention my traumas. But all that started to changed this past summer. Now, six months later, I’m regretting that choice. This is exactly why I never lowered my walls before.

I have therapy tomorrow, and I don’t even see the point. I’ll go, I’ll sit there and pretend to be fine, to talk. I don’t know. It will be a repeat of Thursday, only harder because I’m fully aware of the fact that I’m detached, mad, and not wanting to have a connection with Bea, or trust her anymore. I won’t tell her, I won’t talk about the relationship, not face to face, not like that. So I’ll waste another session. When what I would really like to do is yell at her for convincing me trusting Hubby was ever a good idea. I should have left things as they were. I want to scream in the therapy room the words, “HE fucking had sex with me and I did NOT want to.” I want to talk about that with someone, because I am so confused, I don’t understand. My head says one thing, my memory, my inner child says another thing. It’s the little girl in me that has more weight when it comes to sexual abuse memories, she holds the memories and the emotions. She wins, right now, And damn it, I should be able to talk to Bea, except I am so angry with her, I can’t imagine trusting her right now.

All this mad is leaking out, and I have no where to put it. I have only myself to take it out on. Cutting. I’ve already cut this weekend. I’ll end up cutting again. This is what happens. I trust people and they hurt me, and I hurt myself. It is not fucking worth it.And Bea, who put me in charge of monitoring my “okayness” and telling her, who assured me that now she understands what “I’m not okay” means, will most certainly never be told that I have been cutting again. Fuck that. I’m done reporting to her.

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “The walls I built around my anger……..

  1. So much hurt. You want your husband to understand the gravity of your pain without having to explain, to see that you are playing a part because it hurts too much to let him in, to tell you that you don’t have to be perfect, that you can be a mess, that you have every right to want to collapse and be taken care of. Sexual abuse is an enormous wound. I’m so sorry that it continues to cause such chaos and distress in your life. It’s no wonder it feels so hard to trust those closest to you. I am glad that you at least have a safe place where you can let your inner child have a voice and process her feelings.

    Like

  2. I think it’s healthy to be angry, though turning it inward, not so much.

    Maybe your expectations of your husband changing are a little unrealistic? Not to say he may not be able to move towards more openness, but it’s not likely to happen all at once, just because you are ready for change. He too will have his issues and set ways of dealing with them, and he’s not in therapy and not motivated to change, as you are. You may have to accept the small moves towards you he is able to make for now, without demanding the huge shift you’d actually like.

    Your changes may have to be motivated by your own self, not dependent to such an extent on how he reacts.

    Just my thoughts reading this.

    Like

    • “You may have to accept the small moves towards you he is able to make for now, without demanding the huge shift you’d actually like.”

      I’m sure you’re right, and while I’m typically very good at doing so, I’m having a hard time accepting that today. Maybe it’s because he is allowed to get loud and emotional at his video game, but when I get loud and emotional over spilling tea, he reprimands me for being so loud. I don’t know. I sure that by next week, I’ll be back to,accepting things as they are, and all will be right with the world.

      Like

      • Hi, I totally didn’t mean that you should accept things as they are. Your changes, being more real, are very positive, and you can be proud. The problem comes when you are expecting a specific response from hubs.

        He reprimands you for loudness? Is he controlling? Sounds like it.

        It’s hard when one person wants to change an established pattern, while the other doesn’t. I hope you stick to your guns, saying what you need to say.

        I think your T can take your anger, from what you’ve described.

        My tiny two cents.

        Like

      • Thank you for clarifying, my mood is “inner teenage Alice, sarcastic and hurt and taking everything to be about Alice not being good enough.”

        I definitely expect a specific response from Hubby. It’s hard to break that pattern. It’s also hard because he has, in many ways, said he would do/give/change/have specific responses, but when it comes times to put the action into place, he struggles. Ugh. I should be understanding. I just don’t want to.

        He’s not controlling. What’s the word….he can be very, um, hypocritical? He is allowed to do it but no one else can? That kind of thing? The worst part is he does not even realize he is doing it! He should be in therapy. Unfortunately, the T I managed to get him to see was not good (well, in my opinion, she was very shrinky) and he wasn’t comfortable with her. He has left, and his efforts to find a new T have non-exsisitant.

        I think Bea can take my “mad”, it’s what will happen after– she could yell, make me leave, I don’t know. Too scary to think about.

        Thank you for your two cents….I’ll call it at least a nickel!

        Like

  3. OMG, this is SO real. You are real. You are human, not super human. Yes, you are angry. You are SO allowed to be angry. At him, at hubby, at Bea. You have permission. I hope you can go to therapy and be what you feel. No putting on a show. No being the good little girl you always had to be (Let it Go is really the perfect song). You need this anger to heal and let go. You deserve to be real, to have negative emotions, to be able to express feelings that are so flippin’ scary. Hell, you can yell at me. ❤ and I totally get how much deeper this all is. But in this moment you are so allowed your true feelings.

    Like

    • Thank you. Just thank you. “Let it Go” really has become my theme song from the moment I heard it, I felt like the song spoke to me. I’m too scared to go to therapy and express all these feelings. It’s too much. I won’t yell at you, but thank you for getting this.

      Like

  4. So much pain in these words: my heart aches for you.

    This may or may not apply to you at all, but I when I am really “not okay”–immobilized, in ‘panic mode’–it is really hard for me to talk about it. This is because I’m overwhelmed, but also partially because I think that if the people in my life really loved and cared about me, they would notice/ figure out that I’m not doing well. That I shouldn’t have to tell them. I guess I try to remind myself of how I feel when my best friend is doing not okay and doesn’t tell me (and just ends up in the hospital, or self-injures and tells me afterwards)–I feel helpless and frustrated because I’m not a mindreader! ….My point is that sometimes people need to be told explicitly that “I am not fucking okay right now, and I feel like I can’t trust [anyone/you]”–or even “Bea, I’ve been cutting again.” Because people are stupid and inattentive and wrapped up in their own shit. They will disappoint, but they mean well?

    Sending peace your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It is really hard to talk about it when I’m overwhelmed.

      I know that I need to report on my own “not okayness”, that people aren’t mind readers, that is one of the things Bea and I had agreed upon after our last miscommunication– she didn’t understand my “not okay” was really, really “the bad kind of not okay.” I just feel like I’m done trusting people. Like even my own husband has hurt my feelings one too many times, and it’s only happened because I listened to Bea and trusted more than I ever had before. I don’t know if that makes sense.

      But yes, I do know what you are saying, and I also can see it from if my best friend didn’t talk to me, I would be hurt and sad. Complicated. Life is complicated. :/

      Like

  5. Maybe I’m mixing up my fairy tales ‘Alice’, but Bea won’t melt if you spew that out like the wicked witch. (easy for me to say. express anger, very funny)
    I may have done this without knowing I do it, but sometimes when beginning to trust others like your Hubby and Bea, we test them. It’s unfair really because the test is set up to fail. Just a thought.

    I yelled too, but my favorite was banging cupboards. I’m not proud of it, yet I dealt with so much rage

    Like

    • I may have slammed a door, banged a cupboard…..you know. Thanks for admitting to it.

      I think you are mixing fairy tales, but that’s okay. Bea might not melt but she might tell back. Or something. Or say I’m wrong, or get shrinky on me, or send me away. A hundred scary things could happen, if I say I’m mad. I don’t know. Plus, I don’t tell people I’m mad. I don’t talk about it. Oh no, no. That is not something I know how to do.

      Okay, explain this “testing them” idea. I’m curious, now, and I have a feeling that if by some miracle I do talk to Bea, she will tell me this and it will seem shrinky. Ugh. So, can you please explain it?

      Like

  6. ‘testing’

    i will use me as an example….

    i know that my tests, a lot of them have to do with “will he do what he says”. mine are not set to fail (most of them) i really do want to be ‘wrong’……. but when he does do what he says, ‘score one for him, if he then doesn’t do what he said, it ‘wipes out’ that one AND the time before………

    I heard this SO much growing up

    One ‘oh shit’ will wipe out a ton of ‘atta boys’

    you ‘test’ to see if you can trust, the trick is, realizing you are dealing with very fallible humans and giving them the tools and information so they can succeed, working blind is a very fast track to destruction

    Like

  7. I had the urge to laugh like a maniac I read this – because it’s exactly how I’ve been acting. Gone is the meek, sad period. Now I’m full of rage and likewise if I don’t show emotion to my husband he assumes I’m doing well. Because I continue to look after the house, the kids, the laundry, etc. meanwhile I fight my battles alone. I’m awake in the night while he sleeps. I feel the anger tipping over at the smallest of things. I hope Bea can help you somehow. You have the good therapist! Give me some faith girl!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s