A way to test authenticity with mom?

After therapy, I think a lot about my mom and telling her the truth. I think about anger, and what being mad at her means. I think about Bea’s term, “enmeshment”. I’ve heard it before, and I have some idea what it means, but I’ve never applied it to my mother and I. I read up on it, between Thursdays appointments, and I think Bea may be right.

Later that day, while Kat plays in the bath tub, and we create a magical world where mermaids swim and play, I text my mom.

My car won’t be fixed until Tuesday or Wednesday. I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come for the party. I can try to meet you halfway when I pick up the car, or I will come when the car is fixed for a day. You can always come visit me, too. I love you and I miss you. I’m sorry.

Her response wasn’t as awful as I had feared. She texted back, asking me to take the train, and was upset that Kat and I weren’t coming. In the end, she decided that she and my Dad would come visit on Sunday.

It feels good, making a choice that is safe for me, and sticking with it. I don’t feel any guilt over it right now. I’m thankful I did not have to lie. In a way, I got lucky that my car broke. I do know I won’t be so lucky again. And I can’t keep lying and hiding and pretending. I need a plan.

And so, I play mermaids with Kat, but my mind wanders, and the wheels turn and turn. I can not stop thinking and thinking about what to do. I realize, there is something I could share with my mom, a way to test the waters, or at the very least be somewhat more truthful with her. I can not keep lying like this. It’s not me anymore. I don’t know when I changed from a person who hides everything, all my thoughts and feelings, to a person who doesn’t want to hide anymore, but I have. I might still retreat to the closet, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in that closet. It’s not my place anymore. My safe space is growing, as long as I’m not feeling majorly triggered.

If I can get the courage to do so, the plan is to tell my mom about Kat and the little girl who touched her inappropriately. I’ll explain how it really affected Kat, and how thankful we were that she was already in therapy when she told us what happened. I’ll talk about her nightmares, and her struggles to feel safe with other peers. Then, depending on how my mother reacts to that, (and I’m not expecting a great reaction) I plan on explaining that it was very upsetting to me what happened, and it brought up a lot of things for me, including the sleepover incident with a friends cousin.

(Okay, probably I need to give a little backstory. This may be triggering, although I don’t have many details….there is mention of ED, self injury, and sexual abuse.
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When I was 13, there was a sleepover party at a friends house. Her older cousin was there. I don’t know how much older. He was old enough to drive, and to be left in charge of us girls for a period of time. While we were watching a movie– Grease– curled up on the floor with blankets and pillows, in our pajamas, her cousin sat down next to me. He put he hand between my legs and touched me. I reacted like the traumatized girl that I was (although I believe I blocked out a lot of the abuse with Kenny at that point and didn’t relate the two things at all), and I froze. I dissociated. I don’t remember anything else until much later that night, and then the next morning. I held this in for a few months, reacting by my ED and cutting behaviors becoming worse than ever. I finally I told the therapist I was seeing at the time, who reacted– in my mind at least– by questioning and attacking me. I left feeling horrible and crazy. I overdosed that night and my parents consequently fired that therapist. I’m fairly certain that when my mom called to “fire” her, the therapist would have told my mother what happened at the sleepover.)

I plan to explain that my teenage years were really difficult, and it wasn’t until now that I was ready to deal with them, and I want to work through all my stuff before I am the parent of a teenager.

I’ll be breaking all the rules by bringing this up. But at least it will be am explanation for why I want to be in my own home, for why it’s hard to go back to my childhood home– too many memories there– and for why I have seemed withdrawn. I will be able to say that I’m in therapy and be honest about it. I’ll be able to tell my mom that it would be simpler for her to come visit me because I miss her and love her but I’m worn out from therapy and Kat and life this week.

If I can do this, if I can get this tiny piece out to my mom, I think it would go a long to helping us have an honest relationship. Which is what I want more than anything; to be authentic with my mom, and with others in my life.

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11 thoughts on “A way to test authenticity with mom?

  1. So brave and strong……… really……. Remember, courage is not ‘fearless’, it IS feeling the fear and doing it anyway….. I am proud to be your friend, even if you choose not to do this today, your courage is showing through xoxo

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  2. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you thoughts of courage. I hope that your need for self care out weighs all the other feelings I know you have. Even if it’s just long enough to share with your mom.

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    • I have my best friend K, and a friend J who I’m becoming close with. Hubby is learning to be supportive. I’m okay. And Bea is really there for me with email and texts between sessions when I need her. I’m very, very blessed. I feel alone, a lot, but it’s my own doing of refusing to let people in. xx

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