Swimming Sunday Funday with the Folks

This is going to be messy, and unfiltered. My thoughts are pretty much all over the place.

I didn’t test the waters with Mom today. There really wasn’t time, or enough privacy, because Kat was running around. I was me, though.

I didn’t clean my house, beyond what I would normally do. I didn’t do up my face in more makeup than I typically wear. I didn’t straighten my hair. I ordered real food, not a salad at lunch. I was just me. It felt great, it felt amazing.

The day didn’t start off great. My parents arrived just as I was talking to (read that to mean speaking in my harsh mommy voice) Kat about the rules of being allowed to play with bowls and cups of water in the living room (no you may not dump them out on the floor for the 5th time in 10 minutes!). I told them and Kat to wait, and continued the conversation I was having with my daughter ignoring my Mom and Dad. I felt guilty, but I need to stick to boundaries if have set for Kat. Once we were done, I let her go to them, and I said hi, too.

My Dad actually played with Kat for a while, just the two of them, which meant I got to talk to my mom alone. She started trying to clean my house, and I asked her to sit down and relax, hang out with me. That was hard for me, because I hate asking my Mom to do anything, but on the other hand, her constant need to clean my home makes me feel not good enough, never up to her standards. She did sit, although she made a comment of how she wasn’t trying to offend me. I chose to ignore the comment, and just focus on being with my mom.

I told her about my private yoga classes, although I said they were for my fibromyalgia, and not trauma related. I said how much I was enjoying them, and how I have been doing yoga at home with Kat, and how we do a yoga class on Wednesdays for kids and moms. We talked about Christmas, and relatives, and what I think the schedule will be. I shared with her how my mother in law got mad when Hubby and I wouldn’t force Kat to hug a friend of hers. We talked about my very strong convictions that I will never force my child to do anything like hug another person, because it’s her body, her choice. My Mom agreed, and spoke her opinions on that as well. It was nice to find that we agreed on something like that. We talked about how Kat usually will huh relatives she doesn’t see very often because Hubby and I make sure she sees pictures of them, and hears stories about them often enough that she does know them. My mom told me she thought that was really smart of me, and that she really admired the way I was parenting Kat. She seemed very real when she said that, and I felt this moment of real connection with her. I almost started talking then, about the situation between Kat and the other little girl, but my mom stood up and went to get more coffee. It was like that was all she could handle, connection wise. But, no matter what, that moment happened, and for me, it was the very best part of the day.

We went to Dairy Queen for lunch, which was Kat’s choice. It’s not a place either of my parents would choose to eat for a meal. But Kat loves DQ, and I don’t mind letting her have fast food once in a while. I want her to know all types of food are okay to eat, not just the “good for you foods.” In our home, we call food growing food, vitamin food, keep-you-full food, and fun food. We don’t label it as good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. I honestly think our labels are more accurate. Kat chose chicken fingers (keep-you-full food/growing food), apple sauce (vitamin food) and of course an ice cream bar (fun food). I also had a kid’s meal, but I got grilled cheese. And I thought my mother might faint from that, but she didn’t say a word.

We spent the afternoon at the pool, which is actually part of our gym. I think my Mom and Dad were impressed with how nice the gym is, and how nice the pool is. Kat and I swim several days a week, and so we know a lot of people there. Both my parents remarked on how everyone seems to know us. I think that surprised them, for some reason. I just smiled, and said that we swim at least 3 days a week, usually 5. That surprised my mom. I think she thinks I don’t exercise anymore, I’m not sure. But it was nice to get to show them a part of my life they don’t usually see. A lot of the older folks at the pool today told my parents, when I introduced them, that they had done a great job raising me, I was a wonderful girl, so polite, and that their granddaughter was a doll. It was sweet.

I was reminded, while swimming, how my Dad taught me to swim. He made sure I could tread water, and hold my berth when I went under. Then he threw me in, and said, “swim!” I’m pretty sure he hollered instructions on how to swim, too. I said something to him about this, and he chuckled, and said, “yeah. I knew I could get you out if I needed to. You knew that, too. I wouldn’t have thrown you in like that if you didn’t trust me to save you.” And he looked at me, almost like he was questioning that now, but he was right. I told him so. “I always trusted you to save me,” I said. And we had a moment of connecting. I’m not sure who broke this one, me or Dad. But I realized that I did always trust him to save me, and he never saved me from Kenny. Crap. That is something I’ll be talking to Bea about in the morning.

We got back to the house just shortly after Hubby got home from work. He asked me if I was okay, which was sweet. He knows the stress my parents give. Today, though, I was able to tell him that I was honestly okay, good even. My Mom and Dad had to leave shortly after that, because Dad has an early day tomorrow at work. I hugged them both, and when I said I was glad they came, I meant it.

I am glad they came. I had a moment of connection with each of them today. It was just seconds, but it was real, it was authentic, it was there. And I’m damned thankful.

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18 thoughts on “Swimming Sunday Funday with the Folks

  1. Wow Alice im so happy for you. That sounds really nice. It almost sounds likes your folks were on edge? I guess something is going to give soon. But this was the break that you needed, the lack of pressure xx

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    • I think they were. They aren’t used to me like this! My mom even texted me on the way home and later in the evening thanking me for a nice day. They don’t usually see “grown up” Alice. They see “be the perfect kid and follow the rules” Alice.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. 🙂 Getting a sense of ME has been so amazing. I had no idea there was this person inside me. Lol. Getting to be that all the time, is very empowering.

      I’m sorry you never got that oppurtunity. It’s another unfair thing…. 😦

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  2. I am so proud of you (yet again)!! Knowing the challenges you face, it makes my heart swell to know you were brave enough to be yourself around them and that there were moments of connection. Big big hugs xxx

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    • Thank you. 🙂 This makes me smile. Those moments of connection…never did I expect that. Thank you for being happy for me. How are you? I haven’t see any posts by you lately….I hope things are okay. XX

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  3. Yay! I’m so proud of you! Being real, well it’s not always so difficult with practice.
    And I laughed at the thought of your mom being at DQ. LoL, would be like a bad dream for me. So your mom can be flexible!!!
    Great day I must say!

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    • It was good…it felt good to be real, to not be living a lie.

      Haha…I think my mom only managed DQ because of Kat, honestly. The autistic granddaughter that she loves wins out, I guess. And now I just see another change in the boundaries I set….not being around I think made my mom more likely and willing to be flexible. AND, I think my daughter is more important to her than her anorexia. Holy crap on toast. Maybe she is better than she was when I was a kid. Hmmmm…more to think about. XX ❤

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      • Yes, lots to think about. But stay mindful. It was one day out of many for your mom…remember we all ebb and flow! Definitely a positive step towards a healthy relationship.

        Here is more to ponder…and know this is more in relation to myself…well kind of.
        If I were your mom I would have no quarrel with going to DQ (for both you and Kat) but I wouldn’t eat. NOT because I didn’t love you or Kat. NOT because I want to make YOUR life miserable. NOT because I want to be difficult. But because I just can’t handle it. Maybe it has a bit to do with my past abuse, lol…okay maybe a lot to do with it. But no one knows that…they just see me being difficult. Too thin, not eating, and everyone blaming me.
        Just a thought.

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      • Yes…Bea and I have talked a lot about (a)something have my mom her food issues, her perfectionistic tendencies, ext. I don’t know what, I don’t know a lot about her childhood. Only a few stories, really. And (b) there is often times, not always, but often times, a reason why a person had a blind spot like my mother did to sexual abuse.

        It’s hard because I can’t ask her. We might never be in a place where I can. But we are in a good place right now, and I don’t feel so lost. ❤

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      • But even at that, just as I don’t choose PTSD over my hubby and kids, I also don’t choose anorexia over them. I mean I guess I do but consciously that’s not what I’m thinking.
        I like your posts about your mom because it gets me thinking about my own behaviors, issues, disorders, and whatever else is wrong with me and how it affects others that I love.
        I really dislike who I’ve become.

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      • No…I don’t think she really chooses anorexia over me, either. It just felt that way as a kid….like her illness always won. I think it’s hard for me to break out of that thinking because she doesn’t even try to change.

        I like you. I hope one day you will like you, too. You are trying to change, to heal. That’s the difference.

        Liked by 1 person

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