Floating on the surface

This whole week has been a mess. I’m getting by, but barely. Another week starts tomorrow, and I’m not ready for it. I’m mostly shut down, surviving by playing the part of perfect mommy and perfect wife.

My house is still a giant mess, one I’m still trying to get under control. Why is it I can never seem to catch up on laundry, dishes, sweeping or dusting? Is it the perpetual exhaustion that follows me around due to a mix of nightmares, insomnia and fibromyalgia? Is it the fact that when I should be cleaning and doing my housewife duties, I typically hiding in my swing fort and crying these days? Is it that as badly as I feel about these things not being done– and I feel like a complete failure– I still can’t seem to force myself to care?

I hosted and attended a meeting in regards to Kat’s behavioral analysis program on Tuesday morning. It was a good meeting, although Jamie, the new BCBA, was supposed to take the lead, and Carly had to take over anyway, as he is slightly incompetent when it comes to my child. His post meeting notes show nothing of what was discussed, and completely disregard all of the social and emotional aspects of Kat’s development that we touched upon. Other than that, the meeting went quite well. Carly agreed with the plans I had put in place for Kat’s homeschool program, stating that the curriculum I has designed for this month looked equal to a regular kindergarten curriculum; broken down into task analysis pieces Kat could actually learn understand and generalize.

That being said, I started formally homeschooling this month. It’s gone well so far. Our program is play based. Kat and I have created a town out of the houses, castles, schools, and other things she has. We made some shops (pet store, general store, bank, book store) out of boxes. We also have a pet spa, a park, a beach, and a doctor’s office. Different activities and lessons take place at different stores, offices, locations and houses. So far, it’s worked out awesome. We’ve spent hours each day playing before and after ABA, and I’ve gotten way more than my lesson plans planned for into each day. I’m feeling pretty proud of this.

Hubby has been wrestling with a decision about applying for a new job within his current company; it would mean a promotion of sorts, salaried pay, and less hours than he works now, as well as more consistent hours. His bosses and their bosses actively pursued him this week, and he accepted the position. He starts on Monday. This is a great thing, and I’m really proud of him, but it meant having to ask the nanny to rearrange the hours she is here, again, so that I don’t have to give up my therapy or yoga time slots. Thankfully, she is able to do so, and work with us while we figure out the new schedule.

I’ve been pretty much floating on the surface, just getting by, as long as I concentrate on being perfect in this moment. I suppose it’s a type of mindfulness, although not exactly what the mindfulness people mean when they say to be in the moment.

I forgot about my yoga session on Wednesday, as that’s not the normal time, and Kris called, texted and emailed. She was worried. I apologized up and down, I feel like an idiot. The truth is, I was so preoccupied planning a session for Kat and her new behavior tech (whom Kat is not fond of, and I’m trying to fix that by planning the sessions so it’s stuff Kat likes), that it slipped my mind. Because if I think about myself, I start to fall back into the rabbit hole. And I can’t be there right now. I’m too busy being perfect.

I missed Thursday’s session with Bea, too. I slept through it. Well, actually, I was awake and sitting in bed frozen, thanks to a nightmare; I woke up stuck in the bad dream, unable to move. The phone finally broke the evil spell I was under. And even then, it took me several minutes to make sense of Bea’s text. I told her I overslept. I was lucky, she was able to see me later in the day.

I stayed on the surface for that session. We discussed Kat, and Jaimie. We talked about Kat, and the school stuff I’m doing. Bea pushed me to find a group, or a preschool Kat could go to in the mornings next year. She recommended one; she swears it would be a great fit for us. I’m sure if would be, but I wouldn’t be in control. We could have dived into the fact that I feel a need for my child to be home with me, that while I do believe homeschool is the best option for Kat, it’s also part selfish because I’m afraid to have her away from me that long, with all those unknown people. But we didn’t go there. I wasn’t about to, and Bea didn’t question. She did suggest giving Kat more independent playtime. It’s a struggle, as Kat does not like to play by herself.

We discussed Jaime as someone I have a conflict with, because he isn’t really fitting into our lives so well, or seeing eye to eye with us. Bea thinks I should talk to him, practice conflict resolution. I run from conflict. I mean, sure, I yelled at the life guards, but I was out of control. Which is Bea’s point; confront a conflict when I’m not out of control, with a cool head, and face to face. I told her I can’t do that. That I don’t “do” conflict. She told me I wasn’t having any problem explaining the issues right then in her office. Which isn’t my problem. It’s explaining the issues to Jaime. I’ll feel guilty. I’ll feel whiny, and like I’m being difficult. I’ll feel bad. So, I’ll agree with him, even if I really don’t. And then I’ll be more mad after the fact. Ugh. It’s all so complicated. Bea said I could have hubby with me, but he shouldn’t talk to Jaime alone. I don’t know. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do. I hate conflict. I don’t want to confront Jaime. So that was my session; floating on the surface.

This whole week has been one big fight to stay on the surface, to keep my head above water. I’m drowning in this mess of my life, this mess of my past and I feel like no one sees it. I feel very alone. Just adrift at sea, floating on a life raft that is slowly leaking. I can’t maintain this facade much longer, and I’m afraid of what happens when I no longer can.