This will have to be dealt with in therapy, at some point. Bea and I have talked about it before, although not in as much detail. I have been ruminating on my behavior and having sex with my husband lately–Trying to understand what it is that happens, and why. I think I need to write about it, and see what comes out.
I’m laying in bed next to Hubby. We’d watched a show together and then I’d read my book for a while. Now I’m laying down, and trying to fall asleep. I can’t get comfortable. I’m way too aware that Hubby is sitting next me. He places a hand on my back, and I flinch a bit, jumping at being touched. After a minute, I’m okay, and his hand on back feels good. I’m almost asleep when he lays down next to me, kisses me goodnight.
And then….it’s like another part of me takes over. I lean into him, kiss him again. Even as we are making out, and I’m wanting this, another part of me is screaming to stop, that I don’t want this, that this is not okay. I don’t stop it though, because the part of me that seems to be running the show is determined to….well, not stop.
Hubby’s hands are everywhere, and I can’t think. Clothes come off, and his touch feels good. But as soon as it feels good, I panic. The part that was running the show is gone, she disappeared, and there’s just me. And I’m frozen, and uncomfortable and wanting the touch to stop, but I can’t say anything. And so…..I float away. I’m not here, not having sex with my husband, not feeling these things. I’m so good at pretending, so good at being gone but hiding it that Hubby has no idea.
After, I lay on my side, facing away from Hubby. He curls around me. “I love you,” he says. “I love you, too,” I say. But really, he loves someone who doesn’t exist. He doesn’t love me. I feel dirty, bad, shameful, slutty, not okay. I lay there, blinking back tears. I’m not crying on the outside, but in my head, I am sobbing uncontrollably. I can’t explain the tears, or the feelings. I have no words for what it is. Bad, grief, sadness, anger, fear, confusion, I don’t know what.
It’s the same now, as it was with him. I wanted to be touched, but I didn’t. I wanted to feel good, but I was afraid of it. Every time my body was made to feel good, my head and heart felt bad, wrong. I can see why then, rationally, logically. I was a child. Of course it was confusing and upsetting, even if it felt good, even if I wanted to be touched. But how…why…is this still my experience? Why has sex always felt bad, wrong? I’m thinking this isn’t the way sex is supposed to be. I think people are supposed to feel good in their hearts and minds afterward, not like they want to hurt themselves.
My adult experience with sex mirrors this past experience in so many ways. The feelings are always the same, they always have been. So how do I fix this? How do I change it? How do I know what is normal? Bea told me the best definition of normal is “anything between 2 consenting adults is okay.” But…even if it’s between hubby and I (two consenting adults), I still have all the same feelings as I did in the past. So what does that mean? That it’s normal to feel that way? That parts of me aren’t consenting? That everything is very confusing? I’m not sure.