Pissy

Bea called me “pissy” the other day. She was excited to see and hear me being pissy, which is funny to me, because I associate pissy as a negative thing. In my world, it’s not nice to be pissy. In Bea’s world, however, it means being authentic, giving yourself a voice, not hiding. I suppose all of that is true, as well.

I’ve been feeling pissy for days. I’m easily irritated. I have this urge to do something, anything. I feel like change is happening, and it makes me want to continue forward. But my old life, my mom and my dad and the rest of the family haven’t changed. My husband hasn’t changed, either. And so I’m pissy. Bea says when one person grows and changes in a relationship, and the other doesn’t, it creates a big disconnect. She’s right. And that is the source of my pissyness. It’s not so much my family of origin, although they represent a problem, and there is plenty of anger there. It’s my husband, my marriage. I can’t control this, either. It’s out of my control, because it’s hubby that needs to change. He needs to do some work to stop living on the surface, pretending everything is perfect. I can’t force him to change; I have very little control over this. In retrospect, I think initiating sex with hubby has been a way to try to force the closeness that I’m missing suddenly. But sex won’t do that for me. Sex only scares me, makes me uncomfortable and full of shame. I need to feel connected to him on a more emotional level. This is new for me. And frightening. I’m afraid hubby can’t connect like that. Bea believes he is capable of it, but that he needs help to be able to do so consistently.

Bea maintains that only way this disconnect is going to get better is to talk about it, to open myself up, to tell him what I need. I refuse to spoon feed him what I want or need him to do or say. If he even listened, it wouldn’t be real. It would be hubby doing what I said to avoid any upset in his life. The thing is, it feels like he does not care. It’s feels like I’m last on his list, that he chooses everyone and everything over me. Rationally, logically, I know this isn’t true, that it can’t be true, that he does lots of things for me. Feelings aren’t rational or logical, though, as much as I wish they were. It hurts my feelings, and makes me angry. I don’t want to feel like I’m last on his list. I’m not sure who I’m angry at: hubby, for making me feel this way, or myself, for feeling like this.

If I go forward, and talk to him, tell him I still feel hurt, that I feel disconnected and like I can’t share anything with him, talk to him, when I feel so distanced. I can talk to him and hope he will listen and understand, hope that he will validate how I feel and work at helping me feel connected to him. I’ll be vulnerable, and scared. So many things could go wrong with this. He could ignore me, he could smile and nod and then not really change. It’s a scary idea.

Bea asked about the repair of fights we have had in the past. I couldn’t think of a time, that we really connected after a fight. I usually end up hurt and not feeling like he understood, and frustrated that he won’t talk about it anymore. He usually ends the fight by claiming he gets it, that he doesn’t need me to keep talking at him and then pretends it’s all okay. After a day or so, I’ll follow his lead, pretending everything is okay. The hurt eventually stops feeling so raw and I push it away, shove it down and mostly forget about it.

I could go backwards and pretend it’s all okay. Let him stay on the surface and ignore the wall between us. It’s a good bet that if I do that, I’ll stop moving forward or I’ll keep moving forward and hubby will stay still and the disconnect between will grow bigger and bigger.

I don’t know which way to go. I’m just pissy today. Ugh.

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15 thoughts on “Pissy

  1. Anxious Mom says:

    I can relate to you on the husband stuff. Mine shuts down and then I just have to get over it, which I usually do quickly. Problem is, nothing ever gets worked out usually. I hope you’re able to make progress there with your husband.

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    • Thus far, the only idea that makes sesne is to talk to him on the feeling level– not so much about anyone’s actions, or what has been said, but just how I am feeling about our relationship, anout him, anout me. That seems so hard…its a scary idea to focus on feelings instead of actions/more surface stuff. I’ve been told that i can talk about the process, feeling not ready to be so connected, feeling unsure and scared. That is scary too, even if it is honest communciation. Ive never had a discussion like that in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s hard to be vulnerable and put oneself out there… Yet when I do, true communication can finally occur.
        We are still learning so much about each other. And it is dam hard!
        I think no matter what two people live together, they have to find peace after clashing, whether it’s ‘who left the bread out?’ to ‘will you please listen!’

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      • How do you do it? How do you turn to another person and really put yourself out there for them, when they would so much rather avoid digging deep and having their surface waters disturbed? That’s what is holding me back more than anything. If hubby already knew how to dig deep and was comfortable doing so, I wouldn’t feel nearly as unsure about this step. But he doesn’t. So I’m stuck and pissy.

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      • boy, that’s a good question… Since I’m so bad at it I’ll have to think on it awhile. Because I do put myself out there sometimes when before I’d just pout or yell or worse, swear like a sailor and call him terrible names. I still do that. Sometimes in my efforts to get close with him, I get so frustrated, like throwing myself against a solid wall, and yell, “You fucking bastard.”
        So really, you are asking the wrong person! I’m still a nutter sometimes. I crave that intimacy from a man who won’t give it. That’s the way it is for me. And though it worked early on, it’s not always OK now. But he is not changing. Or not too much. I think he is trying though. So am I.

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      • I’m sorry….your description, which is so accurate of hubby and I, made me laugh. It is so very much like hitting my head over and over on a brick wall. And while occasionally, I knock a brick lose, it’s not enough.

        If you figure out how to put into words how you do manage to open up, even with all that, and would explain it to me….well, I’d be grateful. 😊xx

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  2. I have no idea whether this is helpful or not, but when I can’t explain something to J I let him read my blog. I’m not saying you should do that, but perhaps try writing a short letter? Would that work? I’m so proud of you for thinking this way and for trying to think of some way to talk to him. Bea must be proud of you too. Xx

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    • I have thought about writing a letter. Actually, in the past, when I first came clean about my history, I wrote him a few letters. All more or less the same…..I think one is posted in my blog somewhere. The problem is, if I write him a letter with the intent of talking after, the talking never happens. I freak out and hide and refuse to talk or even answer any question. I don’t know why I do this. It’s just what I do. But yes….writing would more easily get it out there. Thank you for the idea and advice. 😊Xx

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      • That’s no problem, Alice. It’s what friends are for. If you do write him a letter and freak out, try writing him another to explain. Maybe ask him to reply to you in letter form? Perhaps you will start feeling better about talking face to face with him after a while about the hard stuff. Ironically, I’m the reverse with J- I can say all the personal stuff face to face, but find it next to impossible over the phone. X

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  3. Maybe you feel safer being able to see his reaction to what you are saying? Just a thought. I know part of why I find it easier to write is that i can avoid the other person’s reaction. Its why writing to Bea was easier in the beginning. Now that I am more confident in her reactions, its easier to talk to her or give her writings in a session. Ironically, early on, i did have a phone session with her because of a new memory thar popped up, and i talked more than i ever had— it felt safer ro talk over the phone because i was physically seperated from her, and couldn’t see her reactions. Maybe you are the opposite? I don’t know.

    Anways…hubby and i did do the talking via email or text thing early on after the secret came out, but it didn’t last. Because he likes to stay on the surface, and “not ruffle his feathers” (as Bea puts it), we just kinda fell off the wagon. Most of anything talked about in writing was a source of anxiety/guilt/shame/fear, ext for me, so i really have a hard time going out of my way to keep talking. Geesh. Maybe this time around, I am more ready to keep talking. I don’t know. Sorry, this got long!

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