Bea called me “pissy” the other day. She was excited to see and hear me being pissy, which is funny to me, because I associate pissy as a negative thing. In my world, it’s not nice to be pissy. In Bea’s world, however, it means being authentic, giving yourself a voice, not hiding. I suppose all of that is true, as well.
I’ve been feeling pissy for days. I’m easily irritated. I have this urge to do something, anything. I feel like change is happening, and it makes me want to continue forward. But my old life, my mom and my dad and the rest of the family haven’t changed. My husband hasn’t changed, either. And so I’m pissy. Bea says when one person grows and changes in a relationship, and the other doesn’t, it creates a big disconnect. She’s right. And that is the source of my pissyness. It’s not so much my family of origin, although they represent a problem, and there is plenty of anger there. It’s my husband, my marriage. I can’t control this, either. It’s out of my control, because it’s hubby that needs to change. He needs to do some work to stop living on the surface, pretending everything is perfect. I can’t force him to change; I have very little control over this. In retrospect, I think initiating sex with hubby has been a way to try to force the closeness that I’m missing suddenly. But sex won’t do that for me. Sex only scares me, makes me uncomfortable and full of shame. I need to feel connected to him on a more emotional level. This is new for me. And frightening. I’m afraid hubby can’t connect like that. Bea believes he is capable of it, but that he needs help to be able to do so consistently.
Bea maintains that only way this disconnect is going to get better is to talk about it, to open myself up, to tell him what I need. I refuse to spoon feed him what I want or need him to do or say. If he even listened, it wouldn’t be real. It would be hubby doing what I said to avoid any upset in his life. The thing is, it feels like he does not care. It’s feels like I’m last on his list, that he chooses everyone and everything over me. Rationally, logically, I know this isn’t true, that it can’t be true, that he does lots of things for me. Feelings aren’t rational or logical, though, as much as I wish they were. It hurts my feelings, and makes me angry. I don’t want to feel like I’m last on his list. I’m not sure who I’m angry at: hubby, for making me feel this way, or myself, for feeling like this.
If I go forward, and talk to him, tell him I still feel hurt, that I feel disconnected and like I can’t share anything with him, talk to him, when I feel so distanced. I can talk to him and hope he will listen and understand, hope that he will validate how I feel and work at helping me feel connected to him. I’ll be vulnerable, and scared. So many things could go wrong with this. He could ignore me, he could smile and nod and then not really change. It’s a scary idea.
Bea asked about the repair of fights we have had in the past. I couldn’t think of a time, that we really connected after a fight. I usually end up hurt and not feeling like he understood, and frustrated that he won’t talk about it anymore. He usually ends the fight by claiming he gets it, that he doesn’t need me to keep talking at him and then pretends it’s all okay. After a day or so, I’ll follow his lead, pretending everything is okay. The hurt eventually stops feeling so raw and I push it away, shove it down and mostly forget about it.
I could go backwards and pretend it’s all okay. Let him stay on the surface and ignore the wall between us. It’s a good bet that if I do that, I’ll stop moving forward or I’ll keep moving forward and hubby will stay still and the disconnect between will grow bigger and bigger.
I don’t know which way to go. I’m just pissy today. Ugh.