I keep trying to write out how I’m feeling, what’s going on in my life now. I’m struggling to even find the words. My daughter sat at my parents’ kitchen table coloring Easter Eggs that Saturday. He said hello to her. She said hi, and promptly ignored him, focusing on her eggs. My heart was in my throat. He saw her, spoke to her, and I allowed it. I said nothing. I didn’t run, I didn’t hide her away.
That contrast though, between her and HIM. My gosh. She was so tiny, and he was so….adult, so big. She’s my age; the age I was when it all began. Or, at least when I think it all began. She’s 4, she will be 5 in July. I would have turned 5 in October, after kindergarten had started. That contrast, her so innocent and trusting, still a baby….and him, just so grown up, big, in control. It’s like seeing that clicked something in my head. I was no different than her. I didn’t have any choices. Any control. I liked him, I wanted to marry him, he was my Prince Charming, a knight in shining armor, but also the monster under the bed. How in the world did I cope with that? How did I function, day after day, pretending everything was okay and normal? He twisted everything. Everything. How am I supposed to accept I had no control? That I’m not 100% to blame?
I should feel better. The idea that I am not holding all the blame, that it’s not all my fault, should make me feel lighter, calmer, better. It shouldn’t make me feel worse. This idea should not make me feel like curling in a ball and sobbing while alternately screaming and yelling and hitting something. I’m left feeling like crap. There’s something wrong with me. This is backwards. I feel worse thinking that I did nothing wrong. I feel worse thinking I was so small, so powerless. It makes me feel like I need to run and hide.
I can’t even bring myself to talk about Easter in therapy again. Bea said today that I’m stuck between choices of going backwards or forwards with hubby. That I can choose to go back to how things were, or talk to him and grow and move forward with him. One is easy and I know what to expect, it feels safe. The other choice feels scary, unknown and unsafe. It’s new territory for me. She said she feels like our relationship is at a stuck point, too. I think it’s because I’m afraid to do anything, to talk about anything. I don’t have my shell anymore, and I’m trying desperately to convince myself that I’m okay, that everything was okay. To talk about the feelings, the conflicting things in my head, the mess of Easter and memories that go along with it all…..it’s just…….I think I might break if I do that. And maybe Bea won’t be able to handle the mess that is me. Maybe she will leave. Maybe I won’t be able to handle it, and I will leave. Maybe, maybe…what if, what if?
There’s this deep pit of mad in me. I didn’t even know it was there. But it’s there, and I’m struggling to contain it, to hide it. I’m pissy and irritable because of it. That’s how it’s leaking out. I’m defensive, and prickly right now. I yell at myself over little things I do– spilling water, dropping my phone. I scream at myself, over reacting in a huge way. Anger is leaking out. I don’t know who or what I’m mad at. It’s like I’m mad at the world, at life, at anyone and everything. I don’t want to deal. I want to hide. I feel like I’ve dug down so deep, and I can’t look at what I’ve covered. It’s too much.
I’m stuck on the road of this healing journey. I don’t know which way to go. I’m afraid to make any choices, to do anything. It seems no matter what I do, it’s going to be hard and it’s going to hurt.