Monday’s therapy session was messy. I don’t remember a lot of it. I’m having a hard time feeling grounded. Being floaty and far away, living in my head doesn’t feel safe like it used to. I can’t believe I spent most of my life feeling like that, and feeling like it was safer to be fuzzy and not clear. I want to feel anchored in the present, but being in my body doesn’t feel safe right now, either. Which end up with me doing this weird back and forth thing with being far away and present. I can’t seem to remember how I kept one part of me grounded and here, no matter what. I’m losing myself.
I tell Bea about the weekend, which included a wedding we went to. I tell her how I tried to talk to hubby but he wasn’t getting my signals. I don’t know I’m confused. Maybe I just am a horrible communicator.
“I just keep trying and trying, but it’s not working, he doesn’t get it. He left me,” I tell her. I had asked hubby, in several ways, to stay with me– to not go to work, to not leave me alone at the wedding, to stay awake with me at night. The only way I didn’t ask him was by being direct, because if I directly asked for what I needed and he rejected me, I don’t know how I would be okay.
“This is great. You are doing great, you are communicating wonderfully. I think hubby is having trouble reading your cues. Just like we talk about with attachment theory and children needing their cues to be read and attuned to, you need hubby to do the same,” Bea says. I breathe a sigh of relief, because she said I did good, I’m okay.
We talk around hubby for a while, although to be honest a good portion of that conversation is missing. However, Tuesday night (hubby’s midnight wake up post) I woke him up and talked to him, so something made its way through my thick skull and into my brain.
At one point, I started to cry. “I’m sorry, I just still feel like I did on Thursday. I don’t feel big. I’m sorry, I know I should..” A lot of tears fell. I was really afraid Bea was going to be annoyed with me for not being over it, yet.
“It’s okay to feel small. This is big deal stuff you are working on. You can have all your feelings. You’re here and you’re safe.” Bea isn’t upset. She doesn’t even sound surprised, she sounds understanding.
I don’t remember where the conversation went from there. I know we talked about the grown up parts and the little girl parts some more. I’m pretty sure I told her how tiring it was to pretend to be okay and perfect at the wedding; how I never realized how much energy that actually takes. I leave out how much more anxiety I had and how much more awkward I felt, making social small talk. It was a good session, though. One of those where I felt very honest and talked a lot– for me. I’m really starting to feel like I’m “me” when I’m in Bea’s office, like I’m safe and don’t need to fake anything or cover up how I really feel or what I think.
These are the words I leave Monday’s session with; it’s okay to feel small, I am here and I am safe.