I’m sorry

Trigger waring. I’m in a horribly messy place, and I have debated about writing it here or not. I don’t want to hide or lie or keep secrets on my blog, though. This is the place where I can be me, and speak my truth– whatever it is. I’m going to post it all, and there may be a lot of triggering stuff in here, so please, read carefully. Xx

Thursday’s therapy session. It was messy. Well, I was a mess, Bea was great; understanding and compassionate as she always is. Words felt non-existent in my world that day.

The night before I had tried to seduce my husband, and he had ignored me, pushed me away. I ended up in the chair in my living room, all the lights turned on, crying. I felt worthless, and disgusting, dirty and bad and like a whore. I couldn’t believe what I had done. Who acts like that? And what’s more, why did I ever think he could truly want me? I’m a disgusting, worthless, slut. And I don’t even like sex. But a part of me needed my husband to want me, because then he wouldn’t be so distant, and I would know he loves me. But he rejected me. He doesn’t want me. He’s disconnected and gone, and he doesn’t want me. I hadn’t cut for almost a whole week. I failed. I cut. Cutting doesn’t hurt, I never feel that pain. But it stops the thoughts, distracts me, grounds me and somehow numbs me at the same time. And so I hurt myself, again. Because he doesn’t want me.

I wrote it all out, in my notebook. Sometimes I write in a real journal, I need pen and paper to be able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. That night, I wrote on paper. I wrote a letter to Bea, telling her how messed up my head is. I told her I did feel rejected when she didn’t email, that everything she said on Tuesday was right, and I was so angry that I needed someone.

I couldn’t get many words out on Tuesday. I finally gave her my notebook, after freaking out that she would be mad, hate me, leave me. I wanted her to have it, to read it, to know. At the same time, I didn’t want to face her reaction.

I needn’t have worried. She told me a lot of women initiate sex, want to seduce their husbands. She said of course I felt rejected. She told me that abuse survivors are more sensitive to rejection and perceived rejection. She suggested I talk to him about how disconnected he feels. I can’t do that. I keep thinking I should, but I’m afraid. I don’t remember where the conversation led. I just remember being really ashamed, but feeling accepted by Bea anyway.

We talked about Kat, and feelings I have towards her, how she triggers me so much right now. I have never felt so low or awful in my life. Admitting that sometimes I see Kat as me, and think awful things in my head before I can even stop the thoughts. Like, the other day when Kat was running around bare bottomed and in nothing but a tank top because she was hot, I thought she was dirty and sick and such a freaking slut. Then, I felt like the scum of the earth, and I pressed my finger to the stove top where I was cooking scrambled eggs. I hate myself for so many reasons, but this is one of the top reasons. I don’t deserve to be Kat’s mom. This beautiful child. Innocent and sweet and kind, so full of light and love. How did she get stuck with someone whose soul is as black as mine? I’m so sorry for her, so sorry for all the ways I screw up, time and time again.

I don’t remember everything Bea said. I feel like she said I was okay, I wasn’t bad. I feel like she wanted me to feel better. That she saw and felt all the hatred and despair I have over this, over everything about me. She remarked about how I was really feeling so badly about myself….it seems to me that she was seeing me so differently than I see me.

I didn’t tell her about the flashbacks. Well, she knows I am having them, but not the content. And I end up so angry, just wanting to be alone when this happens. I yell at anyone around me, and I shut it all down so quickly. Lately, anytime I feel not listened to, I freak out. It’s always over dumb things but it feels like an emotional flashback, yelling and screaming and crying because no one listened to me as a child.

My hour and half session lasted two hours. Bea told me that she thinks we really need to keep session to an hour and a half, that two hours of processing ugly stuff is too much for anyone. I immediately felt bad and guilty and like I had done something wrong. I apologized and asked her to please not be mad. Was it in my head, or did I really tell her I felt so ashamed for screwing up again and taking more time than I should? She assured me she wasn’t angry, that I hadn’t done anything wrong, I had no reason to apologize, that this was simply about keeping me safe, because it’s really hard to come back from two hours of sitting with big feelings and talking about the ugly scary stuff. I made a point to sit up and tell her I was okay, I was good, no worries. I told her I’m always okay. And she said, “except for when you truly aren’t okay.” I reminded her I tell her when I’m not okay. Of course, in Bea’s world there are more than one kind of okay and not okay. In my world, there is okay, and not okay. And the not okays are really, really bad.

When I left, I paused at the top of the stairs and told her I was very sorry. She looked surprised and said quietly, “For what?!” I told her I didn’t know, I just felt sorry, and that she should just say okay and accept it because I needed her to do that. She nodded and said, “okay. But you don’t need to be sorry.”

I think I’m sorry for existing; for taking time from someone else, for needing Bea, for needing hubby. I’m sorry for being screwed up, and stubborn and afraid of so many things. I’m sorry for being bad, and for putting all my awful thoughts and memories into Bea’s head. I’m sorry for so much, for so many things, and I have no words to explain it. I simply feel sad and hurting and sorry. That’s all.

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15 thoughts on “I’m sorry

  1. Oh, Alice, I really understand that type of, “I’m sorry.” I’ve felt it and said it, as well. It hurts so much to be in that place, but I know from experience that it’s possible to keep on moving and eventually emerge to a better place. Periods like you describe are very, very dark, though.

    Those are the times when I have been most suicidal, as opposed to connecting with parts who are reacting as if they are in the past and wanting to escape via death. Please, please, please take care of yourself. Please take any such thoughts and feelings to Bea. I was afraid to take them to MB for too many years and it’s only been in the last few months that I have been able to take those despairing thoughts to her. I was afraid that she would freak out, that I would burden/ worry her. I was too ashamed to admit that some of me just wanted to give up and end everything. Once I finally started talking to her about it, I found it to be far easier and more helpful than I had expected. She always remains very calm and grounding for me. She is always understanding and never judgmental. I have found that not being alone with those feelings helps to give me hope and ease the despair. Simply being heard and accepted is a profound relief and the pain ends up being dialed back to a point where it is bearable, if still difficult. From everything that you have said about Bea, I expect that she would have a very similar approach.

    Sending much, much support your way….

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    • First, I am so sorry that you know and have felt the overwhelming “I’m sorry” feeling. Second, thank you for taking time to write, i know you are having your own struggles and it just means a lot that you care enough to reach out to me.

      I am in a dark place. I am also so afraid to admit it. I can’t fake things as well as i used to, but I’m trying. A part of me needs for everyone to believe i am okay. I don’t know.

      You are probably right, i should tell Bea how “not okay” i really am. I should say to her, “you know my not okay place? Im in a darker place than that and i am having trouble seeing my way out.” But i am afraid. Not being alone with these feelings, having Bea as a safety net….I don’t know, it sounds like a good idea, but then I feel like i have to be good enough for her, i need to be okay, i am always okay. Ugh. I don’t know. I am freaking out about trusting her more, being more open. There is so much to lose if she gets mad, if she can not handle my crazy, of she decides i am bad….i just can’t deal with it. Maybe that is where i start. That i can feel myself pulling away from everyone. Trying to find reasons to be angry, disapointed, hurt by them. I need to leave before they leave me.

      Thank you for all the support and kindness you have given me. It helps to know i am not alone. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Alice. You really dug deep in your last session. I am in awe of your bravery and willingness to admit how you feel, the thoughts you have, and what happened with your husband. That takes some serious courage and strength. I hope that you can view all of your admissions as a sign of great strength rather than weakness or something to be sorry for. I know the feelings are real and I don’t want to minimize or invalidate them, just offering an outsider’s perspective 🙂

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    • Thank you Rachel. I can admit a lot to Bea, if its in writing and not spoken. I have really just taken a leap of faith, admitted i am attached to her, that she is my secure base and been able to be more honest with her. But, needing her does make honesty like that even more scary. Thank you for seeing this as brave. It helps to have a reframe, even though i don’t feel it, i can tell myself it. Xx

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  3. Maybe you’re just sad. There is much to mourn and it took me awhile to move through it and a life time to get there, after rage fizzled out, my mother had died, and the details erupted stinging on their way out, but healing once and for all after.

    Sometimes husbands need a good kick in the pants. You have a right to initiate sex as much as he does.
    And as much as I like Bea, it’s her job to wrap things up efficiently, not yours.

    You are such a sweet, caring and smart woman. But no one can give you what you need, others can carry you along and help with reinforcements, and please keep accepting that support because the world needs you, but it’s that little kernel inside keeping you going, where you know it to be true; that’s the spot that needs to flourish, be nurtured and grow. As it blossoms, the ways you use to blot the pain will lighten.
    I feared my sons suffered due to my whacked up self, yet I believe, and they have told me, it is because of my struggles that they have developed into such caring individuals. I cannot argue with that. They are very special men, deeply caring about others, society at large and they are whole, and feel that same love within themselves.
    Kat is receiving all the things you didn’t. Thoughts aren’t all powerful. What you think and how you treat her are two different things. You don’t deserve blame for the harmful memories put there by someone else. You deserve a hot bubble bath or some other happy pleasure. Something self-soothing and kind to erase the pain.

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    • Thank you, Patricia. You always have the right things to say. I am so sad, so very deeply sad. I don’t have words for it, and I don’t know exactly what i am sad for. I have a feeling it is a lot of everything.

      It helps so mich to hear that your sons both beleive it is because of your struggles that they are the kind, caring people they are today. Thoughts aren’t all powerful, feelings aren’t facts. Thank you for the reminder. I hate the ugly things put in my head by someone else. I hate that hubby and Kat are stuck dealing with the fallout through no fault of their own. Its not fair.

      Maybe I will take a bubble bath later today. Maybe i will do some yoga. Maybe i will practice being nice to myself, becasue i want Kat to learn to be kind to herself.

      I hope you are having a Happy Mother’s Day. You have so much kindness and goodness in you, and you are so very smart and wonderful. Xx

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  4. Yes, maybe sometimes we need to just feel sad but within that we need to know what to do with the intensity of feelings other than hurt ourselves. Feelings seem so raw in this recovery and healing process. I’m beginning to realize just how much we’ve held in, years and years worth of feelings basically only directed at our T’s–at least it often feels as such. And oh my goodness it seems too much of everything.
    Our hubbies and kids don’t usually get the part of us that is expressing, they get what we try to portray as the perfect wife and mom and it’s so difficult to keep up and then all of a sudden we don’t and we are overwhelmed and feeling sad and bad and then we starve or cut or burn or yell or scream in our minds….I don’t know if that even makes sense.

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    • It all makes sense. You explained it perfect. It is years and years of fear and anxiety and neediness and grief and anger and God knows what else, and we rely on our T’s to help and hear it all becasue its too scary to show that out on the real world. Xx

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  5. Bea is right, 2 hours PLUS downtime. Girl – give yourself a break. You want to run for 5 miles when you could walk for 2 and take a break? EVERYTHING in moderation. My daughter is creeping to this hormonal age now, innocent but soon to be noticed by boys. I’m getting that triggered sense as the age creeps closer. As for my own sexuality I don’t know if I’m submissive or aggressive. Either seems to upset and trigger me. The point is, everything you say sounds normal to me and I think to most of us. Survive, keep going. There’s got to be an end in there somewhere?

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  6. Anxious Mom says:

    That had to be a really tough session on you, but it shows how tough *you* are for being able to talk about it all. ((hugs))

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