I’ve been MIA for a little while, and I’m sorry about that. Things have been messy. I haven’t posted about my therapy sessions because I’ve been so dissociated, I start having trouble remembering what happened before the session is fully over. Normally, I can leave session and write down some notes of what happened, and that helps me to remember so I can write about it later. But now, well, I just don’t remember enough to even write some notes. I’m here but not here and the feeling is so strong right now, I feel floaty and gone, yet I’m able to present a perfectly present appearance. How is that possible? I don’t know. Bea once told me I have a talent for dissociation. Perhaps that is all it is– a talent. Yet it feels like a curse at times because then the people I need to know I’m not okay, can’t see it.
I feel broken. I don’t have any other words, just broken. Bea is convinced that the problem is not the past this time, but current day struggles. I don’t know. I think she is wrong. My current day life is triggering a lot of past stuff. I don’t know. I hate being in conflict with Bea. I need her to see my stuff from my view, my side, regardless of what she really thinks. But I don’t want her to lie or placate me, I trust her because of her honesty. So it’s all very messy. I don’t know what I want. I’m lost, I can’t see the forest from the trees. Or something.
I see my past everywhere. I was sitting at a cafe, downtown today, and a man walked by wearing sandals. Triggered; a guy wearing sandals. He wore sandals all summer long. I put my daughter to bed, and I’m laying in her bed next to her, rubbing her back and singing our pacifier song, and I’m seeing, feeling, thinking of him rubbing my back and what’s happened next. And I can feel the anxiety, the anticipation, the fear, sometimes the excitement I had then. At my daughter’s age, when he put me to bed. I’m upset and hurt and feel abandoned because no one saw, no one saved me. I wanted someone to save me. So no; it’s not my current day life, not exactly. Of course, Kat is signed up for school for the fall now. That is triggering and anxiety producing and it is current day problems. Our nanny is leaving to go back to school herself. That is a current day problem that is scary and upsetting. I’m still unable to talk to hubby, to get him to be really emotionally present with me. Which is causing fear and the feeling that he has left me. So yes. There are current day problems. Which are probably adding to this. But that’s not all this is. And I don’t think Bea gets this. And some of whatever this is, some of this huge broken feeling is just something I can not put words to right now. So I can’t make someone understand, because I have no words to explain.
I can fake okay for short periods of time. But really, I’m not okay. I’m so far past not okay, I’m broken. And broken is bad. Broken is scary. Broken is a very dangerous place to be. I don’t get to this place often. The last time was after I left the boyfriend, found out I was pregnant and had an abortion. Before that, it was when I was 15; late spring, early summer, I think. And before that, it was the October I turned 14. And maybe when I was 9; but that time I was really hiding the broken feeling, even from myself. So I’m not sure I’m right about that.
I’ve emailed Bea, and told her I feel broken. I wrote that broken and not okay means that I am eating and throwing up and cutting, it means that everything feels messy, and unorganized, out of control and it’s hard to do much beyond what I have to do to function. But there is another kind of not okay when I’m feeling broken. It’s the not okay that I claim is okay. It’s the other extreme, the bubble. It’s restricting, still cutting, being organized and scheduled and on top of everything and completely in control. And it works, as long as I don’t have to admit to not being okay, and as long as I don’t allow any of the negatives, the ugly, the scary stuff and bad thoughts into the bubble. I can feel myself swinging towards the other end of this, the okay that really isn’t okay. So, I wrote to Bea, I told her that I had to let someone know I’m not okay, before I get to that place of denying anything that might pop the bubble.
I don’t think she got it. She seemed intent on telling me to try something new, that this was current day stuff, and I don’t need old behaviors that I use to deal with past stuff to cope with current day stuff. She said something about being glad I emailed, and glad I could define not okay. That clearly I don’t like what I’m doing and feel it’s unhealthy, so trying something new now, because it’s current day problems, would be good. Doesn’t she get it? If I knew how to do something else, if it was that easy, I’d already be doing it. I’m not ready to give up the ways I cope. But I know I’m losing control of myself, of my life. I don’t know.
I called Kay, yesterday. I told her I’m broken again. She didn’t have a lot of time to talk to me, but she told me is okay, I’m okay, she’s here. She reminded me there is nothing I can do or say that will make her leave me. And she reminded me I can call her anytime, anytime at all and she can be to me within an hour if I really need her. So I have a “safety net”, so to speak. And Kay gets it, she knows what broken means. She’s been there for broken before, and helped me get the pieces put back together.
I’m not going fall apart completely, not on the outside. I have my daughter to care for. In a way, it’s harder, because I know if she wasn’t around, I wouldn’t be struggling as much to appear normal and fine. I’d just let myself fall apart and get it over with. Instead. I’m struggling to hang on and function. Which is the good part; I’ll keep going until I get the pieces put back together, because Kat still needs me.