Broken (trigger warning)

I’ve been MIA for a little while, and I’m sorry about that. Things have been messy. I haven’t posted about my therapy sessions because I’ve been so dissociated, I start having trouble remembering what happened before the session is fully over. Normally, I can leave session and write down some notes of what happened, and that helps me to remember so I can write about it later. But now, well, I just don’t remember enough to even write some notes. I’m here but not here and the feeling is so strong right now, I feel floaty and gone, yet I’m able to present a perfectly present appearance. How is that possible? I don’t know. Bea once told me I have a talent for dissociation. Perhaps that is all it is– a talent. Yet it feels like a curse at times because then the people I need to know I’m not okay, can’t see it.

I feel broken. I don’t have any other words, just broken. Bea is convinced that the problem is not the past this time, but current day struggles. I don’t know. I think she is wrong. My current day life is triggering a lot of past stuff. I don’t know. I hate being in conflict with Bea. I need her to see my stuff from my view, my side, regardless of what she really thinks. But I don’t want her to lie or placate me, I trust her because of her honesty. So it’s all very messy. I don’t know what I want. I’m lost, I can’t see the forest from the trees. Or something.

I see my past everywhere. I was sitting at a cafe, downtown today, and a man walked by wearing sandals. Triggered; a guy wearing sandals. He wore sandals all summer long. I put my daughter to bed, and I’m laying in her bed next to her, rubbing her back and singing our pacifier song, and I’m seeing, feeling, thinking of him rubbing my back and what’s happened next. And I can feel the anxiety, the anticipation, the fear, sometimes the excitement I had then. At my daughter’s age, when he put me to bed. I’m upset and hurt and feel abandoned because no one saw, no one saved me. I wanted someone to save me. So no; it’s not my current day life, not exactly. Of course, Kat is signed up for school for the fall now. That is triggering and anxiety producing and it is current day problems. Our nanny is leaving to go back to school herself. That is a current day problem that is scary and upsetting. I’m still unable to talk to hubby, to get him to be really emotionally present with me. Which is causing fear and the feeling that he has left me. So yes. There are current day problems. Which are probably adding to this. But that’s not all this is. And I don’t think Bea gets this. And some of whatever this is, some of this huge broken feeling is just something I can not put words to right now. So I can’t make someone understand, because I have no words to explain.

I can fake okay for short periods of time. But really, I’m not okay. I’m so far past not okay, I’m broken. And broken is bad. Broken is scary. Broken is a very dangerous place to be. I don’t get to this place often. The last time was after I left the boyfriend, found out I was pregnant and had an abortion. Before that, it was when I was 15; late spring, early summer, I think. And before that, it was the October I turned 14. And maybe when I was 9; but that time I was really hiding the broken feeling, even from myself. So I’m not sure I’m right about that.

I’ve emailed Bea, and told her I feel broken. I wrote that broken and not okay means that I am eating and throwing up and cutting, it means that everything feels messy, and unorganized, out of control and it’s hard to do much beyond what I have to do to function. But there is another kind of not okay when I’m feeling broken. It’s the not okay that I claim is okay. It’s the other extreme, the bubble. It’s restricting, still cutting, being organized and scheduled and on top of everything and completely in control. And it works, as long as I don’t have to admit to not being okay, and as long as I don’t allow any of the negatives, the ugly, the scary stuff and bad thoughts into the bubble. I can feel myself swinging towards the other end of this, the okay that really isn’t okay. So, I wrote to Bea, I told her that I had to let someone know I’m not okay, before I get to that place of denying anything that might pop the bubble.

I don’t think she got it. She seemed intent on telling me to try something new, that this was current day stuff, and I don’t need old behaviors that I use to deal with past stuff to cope with current day stuff. She said something about being glad I emailed, and glad I could define not okay. That clearly I don’t like what I’m doing and feel it’s unhealthy, so trying something new now, because it’s current day problems, would be good. Doesn’t she get it? If I knew how to do something else, if it was that easy, I’d already be doing it. I’m not ready to give up the ways I cope. But I know I’m losing control of myself, of my life. I don’t know.

I called Kay, yesterday. I told her I’m broken again. She didn’t have a lot of time to talk to me, but she told me is okay, I’m okay, she’s here. She reminded me there is nothing I can do or say that will make her leave me. And she reminded me I can call her anytime, anytime at all and she can be to me within an hour if I really need her. So I have a “safety net”, so to speak. And Kay gets it, she knows what broken means. She’s been there for broken before, and helped me get the pieces put back together.

I’m not going fall apart completely, not on the outside. I have my daughter to care for. In a way, it’s harder, because I know if she wasn’t around, I wouldn’t be struggling as much to appear normal and fine. I’d just let myself fall apart and get it over with. Instead. I’m struggling to hang on and function. Which is the good part; I’ll keep going until I get the pieces put back together, because Kat still needs me.

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29 thoughts on “Broken (trigger warning)

  1. ‘Stay’. Have been feeling something similar. I don’t have a way out of this, to advice you to do. This time I am trying something new. I am letting it pass through me instead of using my coping mechanism to get out of it, temporarily off course. Its worth giving a shot. Letting it pass through me in a least self destructive way possible. Power to you.

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    • I’m sorry you have been feeling like this. I think you are probably right, sitting with the feelings instead of trying to cut it off is the only way to really heal. You ade so very strong to even be attempting this. I am not so sure I’m there yet, although i want to be there. Xoxo

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  2. I think the fact that you told Bea about all this is a sign that you’re trying something new. You’re asking for help before you get to the self -denial stuff, which is actually proactive. Keep telling Bea what’s happening, tell her you’re near crisis point. I think you need a break as well, you’re struggling and you need to be gentle with yourself. Keep fighting on, Alice, we’re all with you xxx

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    • You know what? I think you are right– talking before things flip to the other direction is something new. You are probably right, i need to say this is near a crisis point; that just feel BIG to say, and like maybe she could end up looking at me and saying i am a drama queen and this is not such a big deal.

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  3. Raymond once suggested ‘free association.’ Not my favorite thing to do. Let the pen write without punctuation or correcting spelling etc. You may be surprised at what comes out. Don’t think or edit.
    But if that doesn’t sound appealing, maybe some relaxing coloring? Something to lesson the stress, anxiety or overwhelming feelings. Massage, hot bath, sit in nature….??

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    • I think there is a lot to be said for free association. Its not something im good at…i sensor everything, lol. I have been doodling designs in mh journal as of lately, since i have no words. I went to zumba class, and took extra yoga classss this week. So I’m trying. Xoxo

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  4. Nice to read a post from you. I’ve been thinking about you and thought you were probably struggling, but of course hoping that wasn’t the case. I am so sorry you’re so broken right now. I don’t know how broken feels for you, but I understand that word. Broken. It is a scary and helpless place to be. You’re so strong Alice. Hang in there. It isn’t going to feel like this forever, though I know it feels like it. xx

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  5. While I hate to hear that things are so bad right now, I’m glad to see you posting. You’re one strong woman, whether you feel like it or not right now. Major hugs to you. You have my email if you need someone else to talk to. ❤

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  6. Im with you. I have to keep keeping on for my daughters. When Jess broke her arm it gave me a ‘drive’ to focus despite the pain both physical and emotional of my problems to be strong for her. At least we can do that. At least we can be there for them despite it all xxx

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    • As usual, I am both sad and thankful that you understand feeling so hurt and full of pain but pushing through it all for your child(ren). I am glad i have the ability to do that, and be there for Kat. I hope things have gotten better for you. Xoxo

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  7. I have been thinking about you. I’ll tell you what I tell myself when things are really bad, “It won’t be this bad forever. It will get better again”. It always does, eventually. And you will learn skills that will help you to bring yourself out of this broken place, so eventually, when you fall into it, you can pull yourself out more quickly. I understand that it probably doesn’t feel possible right now, but I have faith in your strength and internal drive towards health and Bea’s capability to remain with you and help you through the process.

    For now, though, I am sending thoughts of delicious cups of chai, fuzzy blankets to wrap up and be safe in, and a cozy stuffed animal to soothe the terribly distressed child inside of you. (Stuffed animal specifically for the child, the rest for all of you.)

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    • Thank you. I’m going to curl up in a soft blanket with some chai and my teddy bear and try to remember it won’t be this bad forever. Its such a hard thing to beleive when we feel like this, isn’t it? Bea says I am already learning the skills and the shift to change to this new reality is happening, its just a long process. I know shes right, sometimes i can see how much really has changed. Thank you for thinking about me. Xoxo

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  8. Broken. Yes, I know what you mean. I experienced that a lot in recent months–while pretending I wasn’t and still doing my demanding job. But this time, for the first time ever, I told my husband the truth of what it felt like. I have been deeply moved by his loving response to me, and it has helped so much. If you aren’t ready to tell your husband, that’s ok, but I hope you get to a place where you can have that same experience. It’s precious. In the meantime, whenever you can not pretend, like with Bea or with Kay, that’s good. You don’t need to be alone with this.

    I had been noticing your absence and am glad you are posting again. At least you can see that there are many of us out here thinking of you and wishing you healing.

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    • I am sorry you have been experiencing this feeling, but am so glad you were able to tell your husband and to read how healing that was. Maybe one day I will get there. Thank you for the wishes towards healing. And i will try not to pretend when i don’t have to. I think you are right, that could help me feel not so much alone. Xoxo

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  9. lovedeferredisnotlost says:

    Honey, good luck to you. I feel you so deeply. Get better, sweetheart. Keep reaching out for help, let those who you trust see just how broken you are at this moment in time so they can manage their expectations of you and maybe lend a hand. I’m thinking of you even as I try to hide my own brokenness.

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  10. Was worried by your silence and glad to have you back here. Sorry you’re going through such a rough patch. And thank you deeply for checking in with me a while back. I hope to post something soon. Take care xx

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