I’m just a (scared, little) Girl

I have so much to tell you. It’s been a very busy week.

I had therapy on Thursday. Bea and I talked– well, okay, she did most of the talking– about the email I had sent her on Tuesday. I told her how much I dislike the woods, and how tangled up in memories hiking is for me. I told her how all her questions made me feel, how unsure and triggered and messy I felt. I told her how hard the weekend really was.

And then I wrote to her what I think the little girl felt on that Ferris wheel. I continued the story, writing about the little girl getting older.

I think she was scared. Not at first, but maybe there was a little bit of a nervous feeling when no one else wanted to ride again except him. And maybe she wanted to change her mind, when only he offered to ride again. But she couldn’t, because she had whined and been such a drama queen about wanting to ride again. And maybe she felt a little bit excited, to be alone with him. And when the others left, maybe that was when she felt that first twinge of being afraid. But when they were on the ride, and he moved his hand, she felt very, very scared. And very trapped. Because there was no where to go. And there was no one to ask for help. Maybe she felt bad, being touched, letting him touch her in public like that. Maybe she felt like she was doing something naughty, and that she asked for it by going on the ride alone with him. Maybe she realized she couldn’t ever stop it, that he could do anything he wanted because he was the one in control. Maybe she felt like she might throw up, like everything was falling apart.

And maybe that little girl grew up. Maybe she was so good at pretending nothing ever happened, and making things go fuzzy, and forcing herself to forget that she managed to keep everything bad that ever happened locked up tight. Until one day things started to spill out.

And then everything got messy and confusing and the more she remembered, the more she stopped hiding and stopped pretending, the more confused she got.

What if she told you that she loved him? What if she told you that she thought she was going to marry him? What if she told you that she used to email and AOL instant message him in secret? That she snuck out to meet him, not once, but often? What if she told you that the night she cut her wrists was the night he told her he was engaged, that he was getting married? That she wanted to die? What if she told you she can’t get it straight in her head, what was her choice, when did she start thinking of him as her secret boyfriend and what about everything that happened when she was little? What if she told you everything in her life feels fake and confusing and twisted? What if she told you that he broke her heart? What if she said that it felt like he was the only person in the world who knew how screwed up her family was, and didn’t expect her to pretend and go along with the part she was supposed to play? What if she told you he said she was adult for her age, more grown up than people even their parents age but that no one else would see that or understand? What if she said she’s tired of feeling so alone, and scared? What if she told you that sometimes she just really wants to disappear? That sometimes the things she thinks or does scare her? What if she told you she doesn’t really believe that you won’t judge her, or leave her, or decide that she’s this horrible person, or freak out on her or be horribly disappointed or get really angry but she doesn’t know what else to do, so she keeps trying anyway? What if she told you that this all hurts, actually hurts and that she doesn’t know where to begin to make it better? What if she told you that she’s terrified there is no fixing this, fixing her? What then?

Bea responded that nothing would change for her, and that her heart hurt that I was sitting with even more pain than I had been letting on.

So. Kenny started playing the secret game with me when I was very little; I was five, Kat’s age. And it continued, with me having a crush on him– crushes are not safe– and finally choosing to be with him, believing I loved him and would marry him. It’s all so very confusing. I don’t know which way is up, or what is true anymore. I can’t decide if Bea is right and he hurt me, abused me, raped me, or if I am a liar who loved him, a crazy girl who couldn’t handle the rejection. I just don’t know. It’s all hard to understand and make sense of.

Bea talked on Thursday about how I was almost brainwashed by him, brought into his crazy world and now, as hard and confusing as it is, I’m leaving his world. I just don’t know if she is right. Everything in me says she has to be wrong. It feels awful to think of someone having that much control over me. It’s scary and….I don’t know, unsettling and unsafe. It’s not okay.

I want to run and run and run and never look back until I am so far away from myself, I’ll never be able to find me again. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I don’t want to be here, to be this, to know these things. I want them gone, I want it all gone. I can’t do it. I can’t face my demons. I thought I could, but the truth is, I’m weak. I’m just a scared little girl. I’m not brave, or strong, or in control, or competent, or smart, or anything else people think I am. I’m frightened, and I want to hide. That’s what I am. A coward.

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25 thoughts on “I’m just a (scared, little) Girl

  1. Oh dear, you are not a coward! On the contrary, you are so brave to bring all this confusing pain out into the open so you can heal.

    I know what it feels like to look at your own story and feel disgusted with yourself, to doubt yourself and your actions. But from the outside, to someone hearing your story, it absolutely looks like the story of a little girl who was groomed, manipulated, abused, raped, and made to think it was her fault rather than the fault of the one responsible. This little girl was too young and inexperienced to have the broader perspective. She just thought, as little children do, that she must be responsible. But you can trust Bea and in time you will trust your adult self to help guide the little girl to understand that she did nothing wrong and to protect her and make her feel safe.

    With warmest wishes,
    Q.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Q. It’s so hard to be able to imagine what an outside perspective is, and to believe what people say they see. I just….I don’t know, where i am at right now. I feel like i am always whining about this, but everything feels confusing right now. Thank you for you words, and wishes. Xx

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  2. I don’t think you’re a coward, but I do think you are being cruel to self. While healing, we have to treat ourselves with love and kindness. And belief. Can you buy yourself nice things, take extra rests, do things that nurture you?

    This asshole controlled you. Adults can control and manipulate children. Think how much smarter you are than your daughter – you just know so much more. It’s just the way it works.

    Yes, as a child you were not in control. Children often would rather feel bad and wrong than not in control, so they switch it around. It’s time to switch it back. This guy belongs in jail. You deserve all good things as you work out the truth of your past.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I know i am being mean to myself. I am just not sure i deserve more. I don’t know. Its hard. You know. I know adults can control kids, and i get that grown-ups are really the ones in control. But thats my logical, rational part. The rest of me feels differently.

        You weren’t too blunt. I’m sorry my story hits too close too home. The little girl part of me feels like “really? It wasn’t just me? Is it confusing to you, too? I’m really not the only one?” So thank you for sharing that. Xx

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh, my sweet friend, you are not a coward at all. You are so brave and strong and wonderful. This post is so beautiful in it’s raw honesty. This is your truth, your story. I am honored to be able to bear witness to it. And please know that you are not alone in this. My abuser was my own father and I felt very similar things. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but I do want you to know that you’re not the only one who was in love with their abuser. Sexual abuse is so complex by the very nature of the way our abusers groom and manipulate us in order to gain and maintain access and privacy. I am thinking of you and sending safe, loving hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are so brave for facing these difficult and painful memories and conflicting feelings. Of COURSE you are confused and feel bad; he behaved in ways that are horribly confusing and conflicting and not at all how a child is supposed to be looked after or related to. You were forced into situations that literally changed your brain; your brain was unable to form in the ways it deserved to, so now you are having to go and build those pathways for security and self-acceptance and love. And that takes a lot of time and patience and kindness for yourself. I know easier said than done, and I really understand just having bad feelings inside and not the good feelings. Stay with what you are doing, with Bea and your life. Because you are doing inspiring work that will get you where you want and deserve to be feeling. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, easier said than done. There are times i am so comvinced it is working and i am getting better. And then these things happen– new memories, being bombarded with nightmares, I don’t know. Thank you for all your support. How are things with you? I have been wondering if you are doing okay. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear you, it is hard on a week to week basis, with so much up and down, to be able to see the progress and change that is surely happening.
        Thank you for asking; I am doing well. Much, much better than last week. I spent two days out hiking and camping with friends, and feel less bogged down with all this therapy stuff. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You sound like an awfully brave woman who has connected with the terribly wounded, confused, and frightened child who was sexually controlled by a man she wanted to trust. A man who seemed trustworthy on the surface, but hid a terrible capacity to misuse the trust and vulnerability of a child to satisfy his own needs.

    However, I know that it can be hard to find the adult who can be a caretaker when confronted with the sheer, overwhelming pain, grief, and buried rage of the child. I have faith that your journey will continue to take to a place of healing, even though right now it feels hellish. Take care, my friend.

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    • Yeah. So hard to find the grown up me. Why is it that when the little girl part takes over, the best i can seem to find for a grown up is an angry teenager part? :/ Thank you for having faith. I hold this belief that sometimes, when we cant hold onto faith, or hope, or whatever, others on our lives hold it for us. Anyway. Its cheesy, but it means a lot to me when someone has faith for me when mine is missing. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The last thing you are is a coward, my friend. It takes more strength than I or most could imagine having to not only go through that once, but to go through it again as you’re rehashing things in therapy. ❤

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  7. Well, I’d say you’re not a coward and I’m hoping deep down, you truly know that.
    The only thing that has changed for me is that I despise him even more, and I didn’t think that was possible.
    You must notice how your child lights up with attention? Any child? And adolescents, even my sons, one in his late 20’s, the other over 30. Who doesn’t love undivided attention? When my two grand-children are together, my head spins back and forth between them making me dizzy as they vie for NaNa’s complete attention. (I most prefer one at a time, though Friday night sleep-overs with both are a blast)
    I know you love your parents so I shouldn’t say so, but where the heck were they that this could be going on and they don’t notice? And at the same time I say that, things happened to my children under my watch too.
    He certainly was diabolical with his twisted methods at luring and keeping a child for lust. I am so, so, sorry. I think of you often. Please stay in that skin dear one.

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    • Thank you…nothing has changed for you, and that helps. I know how kids light up, and i see it in my neices and nephews and daughter. But its hard to translate to myself. I wonder all the time, where were my parents??? The only answer i have is they trusted him. And later, they trusted me. Ugh. I don’t know.

      I hope you are feeling better today. ❤️xx

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      • It’s more than trust. If one or both were ‘tuned in’, they would notice their daughter wasn’t acting right.
        I am feeling better, but scared about calling for an appointment to follow up with all this. Thank you!

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      • Yes….if they had been more present, more here, more authentic, less afraid of feelings and emotion and mess, then they would have seen it.

        Did you call for the appointment yet?

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      • Well, I’ve been reading about it. And though the nice doctor up north was right for me to be concerned about so many UTI’s I think he’s off base as to why. And this morning some odd things in the tub made my hands shake, and crying, I called my GYN. I had made an appt. for later to see her about the new concerns, but this scared me so she saw me right away. Dried blood, maybe from fibroids and I had an ultr-sound. (all today!) If the ultrasound come back with normal endometrial lining she will put me on a topical estrogen cream for my delicate parts. Oh, aging is fun. Some things become better and easier, while others become more challenging.
        Thank you for asking. I hope I am not overly blunt!

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      • I’m sorry that happened, I can’t imagine how scary.

        I’m really glad you called the doctor and went in to see her, even though it was hard. I hope the medicine helps and things get better. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • She’s great, always surrounding her arms around me when I see her and when I leave. She’s bigger than life, her smile, aliveness, beauty, caring and best of all, ability and/competence. I’m OK! Thank you so much Alice… : )

        Liked by 1 person

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