Bea is on vacation, and my life is spiraling out of control. Bea always talks about how we need to walk on the edge of the cliff to do trauma work. If I’m functioning in that superficial, detached mode, then I’m too far from the cliff and I can’t really feel anything at all. Sometimes, that is needed. But now, I’ve gone over the cliff. Bea left. I know she is on vacation. I know she did not really leave. But I feel like she left me. I wrote her the longest email ever at like 2:00am this morning. I didn’t send it, I was afraid. So I wrote this email, instead, asking if I could send a long and messy email. It just came out. I haven’t sent this, either.
I think a part of me is hurt and angry with her for leaving. It does make me wonder if I’m angry with Bea, or if it’s the little girl me, who is angry at her mom for leaving when she was 9. I’m afraid, too. Because what I wrote means Bea is important, and I don’t want her to matter that much. It seems wrong, not allowed, or something, for my therapist to matter that much to me. I really need her to tell me that she didn’t leave me, that she cares, that she will come back and that I am safe. In needing that, I feel like a stupid little girl.
Everything feels so very screwed up and hard. I feel like the scared little girl and I really want to send this long, convoluted, insane and messy email to you but I’m afraid. I’m afraid it’s too long, I’m afraid I’m being too needy, I’m afraid that you’re going to get mad, that it’s not okay to send long crazy emails right now, and I’m afraid if i keep asking if you are mad or if you will get mad that that will make you mad. I’m pretty much just afraid that everyone in my life is mad at me for not being enough, not being able to handle everything, for falling apart and being up and down and I don’t even know. I think I’m afraid that everyone is leaving me. Hubby is here but he isn’t “here.” The rest of my people are all falling apart, in one way or another. And I can’t fix it all, and I really need everyone to be okay so that I can be okay.
And this is stupid and I am so embarrassed but I wish you were here, and that I was seeing you on Monday, because this all feels like too much and I really need you to be here, but you aren’t here. And I’m afraid you won’t come back, even though I rationally know you are coming back. And I don’t want to tell you this because I don’t want to be that needy, or that vulnerable, and I don’t want to tell you this because I am afraid you will be mad that I am upset you aren’t here….but I’m really afraid and so alone and I can’t make this go away. And I rationally understand that you are on vacation and that is okay and you are coming back. But I feel like you left me and I am alone with all this scary, too much stuff, and I can’t figure out what I did wrong, to make you leave, and I’m afraid you are not coming back because you are upset with me. And I know you have been emailing me and said you are still here, but it doesn’t feel like you are here, it feels like you just left me all alone. I hate that I am this needy, this attached, this….I don’t know the word. But it is nothing good. I’m an adult, I should not be feeling abandoned by my therapist, especially when you have made every effort to be here, even while on vacation. And I don’t want you to be that important to me. Really, I don’t want anyone to matter that much to me, that I can feel left by them. Because it hurts. I don’t know. I hate this.
Please come back soon. I can’t do this by myself
PS. Please don’t hate me