Aside

Daily updates: lost, foggy day

Today was one of those foggy, floaty, yet functioning when I need to days. I haven’t had many days like this as of late, and it definitely threw me for a loop. 
I drove right past the road Kat’s school is on this morning. I made it a good 1/4 mile or more past the road, the whole time Kat saying, “Mom. Mom you missed the road. Mom turn around. Mom. Mom.” I finally had that experience of literally snapping out of it– kind of like when you are nodding off to sleep and jerk awake for no reason, feeling as though you could have been asleep for hours but somehow knowing it was really only seconds? Yeah, that’s how it felt. I turned around, and got her to school on time. No problem. Except I had 3 conversations with 3 teachers, and it all has a very dream like quality. I almost had the feeling that I could say or do anything because this wasn’t real. Except, I logically knew it was, and I did my best to let Miss Perfect run things. 
It actually scared me quite a bit, how much I zoned out in the car. If I’d been alone, it wouldn’t have mattered much, but Kat was with me. I usually always drive with the GPS on, and directions set, even if I know where I am going. Now I remember why. 
After I dropped Kat off at school, I drove to the grocery store. I didn’t really want to shop, but I needed to go and knew I wouldn’t want to go tomorrow or the next day, either. I managed to pay better attention, and had the GPS going, so I made it there with no problem. 
Shopping… It was fine. There were a few times where I completely lost my place. The first time was when I was in the pet isle. I was supposed to get dog treats and kitty litter. I got a little distracted and lost some time sorting through different dog treats and trying to pick the best ones for my dogs. When I had picked them, I looked up and started walking before I really realized what I was doing. So I stopped walking, feeling lost. I don’t know how to explain it. I knew I had gone shopping, I knew I was at the grocery store, but it’s like for a split second, I forgot where I was and couldn’t place myself in time or space. It’s like walking down a flight of stairs, and going to take a step down, only to find that you had already gone down all the steps. Then I realized my cart was behind me, and I had been walking away from it. I turned around, feeling embarrassed and stupid, looking around to thankfully find myself alone in the isle. I lost myself again in the cereal isle, but this was partly because I was reading the caloric information on the cereal I buy for myself, and then checking food labels to make sure they are allergy free for Kat. But still. I either don’t zone out to this extent very often, or because I was in my coping state all summer and this wasn’t happening, I’m able to better notice it. 
The rest of the day was that blurry, sort of fuzzy and then slightly more clear, just that wall-of-glass-surrounding-me-nothing-is-quite-real feeling when I was with Kat and forcing myself to function better. One thing we did today that I am very excited about was go to the bookstore. Kat has the kindle app on her iPad and we buy her books for it, but we also like to buy real books. As someone who loves to read, and who took a lot of comfort in reading, it always made me sad that Kat had no interest in books. The last few months, she has become very interested in books, and loves to be read to. So, we went to the bookstore, and came home with two mini American girl dolls– Rebecca (because she looks like Kat and is wearing purple which is Kat’s favorite color) and Mary Ellen (because she looks like me, and I love 50’s style clothing and she has a dachshund for a pet….she is me, lol). We also got the “journey” books that go along with each doll. The journey books are like the choose your own adventure books I remember reading when I was a kid. I remember liking the idea of controlling the story, but getting annoyed that I would have to read some of what I already read to get a new story. That should work out well for Kat, though, as she likes to read the same books and watch the same shows or movies until they are comfortable and she knows what will happen next. She also likes routines and rituals, so I plan to read a little bit of the story to her each night once she is tucked into bed. We read tonight, and it was lovely. Just simple, but sweet. I love to read, and I love sharing that with my daughter. I loved my American girl dolls well past the age most girls play with dolls, and I’m glad I can share that with my daughter, too. Those 20 minutes felt real to me, I felt solid and like I was connected to the earth.     
While I wouldn’t call today a great day, I think it was better than it could have been; I’d call it a win. I functioned. I didn’t snap at Kat, and I got one errand for this week taken care of. I also started a new bedtime ritual with my daughter that is as much for her as it is for me. 

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Daily updates: lost, foggy day

  1. Sounds like a spacey day that ended beautiful. So glad you and Kat connected over the American Girl dolls. I’m sure you’re processing a lot right now and that might explain missing the turn and spacing out in the market. Be gentle on yourself- you’re holding a lot right now. Xx

    Like

  2. I thought I already responded to this post, but I see that I didn’t. Glad I checked.
    I so relate to your experience of walking around the store dazed, forgetting what you are doing or where you are. Just that feeling of being somewhere, but not really. And I love your new ritual with Kat, so sweet. You’re a good mom. Very caring.

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing that you get this. I feel like less of a freak.

      I try to be a good mom. I screw up a lot. But I keep trying. It’s all I can do. I figure one day I can tell Kat honestly that I love her enough to keep learning from mistakes and keep trying, and to never ever give up trying to get it right. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are certainly not a freak! But I understand why you would say that. I totally get it. If my mother ever said that to me, or had those feelings in her heart, I certainly couldn’t fault her for any mistakes she made. xx

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s