Monday: part six, she wants to hear what I have to say 

Here we are! Part 6; the very last post about this session. Gah. If you read all of these, you should get a cookie. I can’t send you home made cookies or cupcakes over the Internet, so go buy some, or something, okay? 

Bea goes back to reading, and I hug Hagrid close to me, grateful to have him and the comfort he offers. What did I ever do without him? 

And on Thursday (or maybe it was Monday?) you asked me to remind you of the October stuff. I really couldn’t, just couldn’t say all of it for whatever reason. Even thought I know you know, even though I’ve written and even maybe talked about some of it before, I just couldn’t. So here’s the list.  



I overdosed in October when I was 14



I left Brian in October and then I found out I was pregnant in October. I had an abortion in November right around thanksgiving. The time is blurry. I know it’s crazy sounding. I just know it was like right before break. I don’t know. 

 


my grandpa died two years ago, November. Also before thanksgiving. I don’t remember the exact day. I feel like I should. I remember what I was doing when my mom called. I remember that night. It’s like watching a movie of myself. Not real. But I remember the events, just not the day or the date. 

grandpas birthday is October 23, and mine is the 24th. The last time I saw him was our birthday party, two years ago. It’s stupid but I feel like seeing grandma…..when she hasn’t planned to be here….seeing her in the fall, it’s so much like the last time with grandpa. I have this irrational fear I’m never going to see her again.

“I knew there was a lot in October. This is a lot,” she says, pausing from her reading.  

I want to talk about Brian. The boyfriend. I’m having nightmares about him again. It’s sort of that time of year, I guess. We met in early fall. And I left in the late fall. So. I don’t know. Maybe that’s all it is. But a part of me really just wants to tell you my nightmares — memories, really–about him. But they are awful and disgusting and it’s……I don’t know. They are scary, but scary in this very grown up something very bad and disturbing is happening way. It’s different than Kenny memories. But just like with Kenny, I was usually agreeing to do whatever it was Brian wanted me to do. It was easier that way. But now, it seems more shameful. So I’m…maybe embarrassed?…….afraid of your reaction and what you will think?….I don’t know. Something. I just……I want to talk but I am afraid. And I’m sure you are probably sick of this. I know I’m always afraid but when I decided I want to talk, I do end up talking after going through all this talking of being afraid. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I can’t just talk.

“I am not sick of you in anyway. I’m not mad or frustrated. If you want to talk about talking, about being afraid, about being unsure, I want to hear it. I’m not sick of that at all. This is hard stuff. It’s tough to believe it’s safe to tell, to talk about. If you want to talk about it, I want to hear you talk about it. I want to hear your stories, what you have to say, your feelings. I’m not upset at all. I enjoy working with you, and I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving.” Bea speaks so adamantly, so seriously, every word has weight and meaning, I believe her. In that moment, I believe her. And I feel so safe. 

“Do you want to talk about the boyfriend?” She asks me after a moment,,

I nod, slowly. “I’m afraid. But I think….maybe. I just….you don’t know. I…the things….I did…I just….” I can’t explain, but a part of me wants to. The things I agreed to do, the things he forced, they play in a loop in my mind lately, awake or asleep. It’s sick. 

“I’m not going to judge you. I haven’t yet, and I won’t now. I can promise you that. This wasn’t your fault.” 

I shake my head. “It’s not so simple.”

“It never is as simple as black and white. But I’m not leaving you, or judging you.” Bea says, 

I nod, “okay.” 

“We need to wrap up in a minute, I want you to have some time to get grounded,” Bea says gently. “We can talk about the boyfriend on Thursday if you want, that will give you some time to think about it more.” 

“Okay, Thursday. Maybe. Or we talk about talking?” I ask, afraid of beinf reprimanded. 

“Sure. We can so that, too.” Bea agrees easily, and I remember her earlier words. 

I want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear your stories. I’m not leaving. I’m not mad. I’m not judging you. 

I’m not sure anyone has ever said words like that to me– ‘I want to hear what you have to say’– and I feel deeply cared for and valued right now. I spend the rest of my session working on picking my head up, looking at Bea, moving my body; coming back to the present. The whole time this is going on, a part of me is simply basking in the warm sunshine of Bea’s words. They feel like a fantasy, pixie dust sparkling in the air, nothing more than an illusion. But they are real words, and there is real true meaning behind them. And so I sit and soak up the warmth provided by her words. 

“She wants to hear what I have to say.”  

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17 thoughts on “Monday: part six, she wants to hear what I have to say 

  1. It’s so wonderful that you feel safe speaking to Bea, I know it will be difficult to speak about certain things, but she has openly and honestly said that she will be there for you. So carry that with you when you do speak to her about the boyfriend. I wish you all the best, and I hope you know how strong you are xx

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    • It feels like a big deal.😊 I’m still believing she wants to hear me, the judging, i am not as sure of. But i was able to hear say it, which is big. I guess this is one of those things that is a sign of growth and is why we go to therapy in the first place? Xx

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  2. Hey there – I just wanted to say that I also have some experiences which were traumatic and particularly shameful because I went along with them. The first time I mentioned one of them to E., I edited out a lot of parts because I couldn’t face my own complicity. But I’m coming to realize that my earlier experiences set me up to be nothing but receptive, not to question, not to examine myself and ask: what do I want? what do I desire? So it’s not that surprising that we might went along with things that didn’t feel right. (Most of the time) I can tell myself that it doesn’t make me a disgusting person. I am quite sure Bea will not judge you. She’s proven herself time and again to be on your side. Hugs, Q.

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    • She has, that you are right. I know it. It just feels scary and huge in my head. But the way you explained, early experiences setting us up for….well, things that feel shameful now….. And i have never thought about it, but ive never considered “what do i want?” in terms of…well. intimacy. I’m not sure I’ve ever thought that was an option. Now i have one more thing to add to my “master” very long list for therapy — i started it before session 2.

      Thank you for sharing this with me. It makes a lot of sense, and it helps, a lot. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I read every one of these posts and loved them all! Just want to say that this post is so touching. So glad you have her. She is so sweet and caring, and cleaerly cares for you deeply.

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  4. Wow, what an incredible session. I skipped the eating disorder post (thanks for the trigger warning!) but I read every word of the rest of them. Such incredible work, Alice. You shared so eloquently and I know you mentioned not sending the email to Bea earlier, but I think so much came out of you two being able to process this stuff face to face. Xo

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    • I’m glad you skipped the eating disorder part. 💜 I agree, I think we probably talked through more because she read it in session instead of me sending it as an email. There was a lot. Xx

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