Status

Trust destroyed 

I don’t know. I don’t even know how this happened. I just know everything is wrong. I found emails. Hubby has been emailing Bea, about me. And she responded. I just can’t even. How could she do this? They were talking about me behind my back. All this time. I just can’t do this anymore. I trusted her. I had Kay, that was it, the only person I ever really trusted. I wanted hubby on that list. I have been trying, and learning to trust him. And I allowed Bea onto that list. How stupid could I be? She doesn’t care. It’s been this act. She is not on my side, she is trying to fix me for hubby. Oh my god. This can’t be happening right now. 

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31 thoughts on “Trust destroyed 

  1. Hi Alice, I’m on my phone so can’t reply as in depth as I want to, but I’m thinking of you and validating how scared and hurt you must feel. I know more information will come, so I hope for now you can take care of yourself however you need to and know you have support. love, R

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      • I can imagine that gone feeling – if I felt a betrayal, I would be gone too. It is okay to feel that way, and okay not to confront. And okay to confront. However you handle it is okay. I’m glad you reached out on here and shared this with us. Take good care, Alice.

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    • Thank you, Sirena. I don’t know if it is as bad it sounds and feels to me. Right now, I feel as if I know nothing. I’m thankful you expressed your shock over this…..it helps to not be the only one so shocked. Xx

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  2. If you keep looking and expecting betrayal, as I do, you will find it.
    It’s ok,it’s ok, it’s ok. Two people that love and care so much for you may make mistakes, may be doing something that feels underhanded and wrong, and yes you may bellow out how wrong it feels and to stop doing it, but I know from your posts these two people care deeply for you. And have made mistakes because they are human. It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok. (not the mistakes, but you. You are OK and safe even if you feel you are not.)
    They are not conspiring to murder you. I do know how you feel. I feel it all the time, everyday, by every person I know, especially those that love me the most. Children are exempt, but all others I keep separate from my heart and core most of the time as if I’m wearing a coat of armor.

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    • Thank you, Grace. It’s okay, it’s okay, I am okay. I needed that reminder. Because it does feel as if my world has ended. And yes, maybe they care. I don’t know anymore. I’m sorry you know the feeling of keeping everyone far away….it sucks. Xx

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      • Alice, I wanted to add a thought. Way back in some of your posts I remember your request to Bea to see Hubby alone to explain certain things that you gave her permission to explain. So, if I am remembering that correctly, a relationship has transpired between them at your request.
        I am not defending the fact that now there has been communication without your permission or knowledge, that would blow me away too… I’m just wondering if because of past one to one connections, each went about this latest communication innocently without realizing the high breach of trust this would strike within you.
        Others do not understand the depth of trust issues, and how once it’s shattered, it’s unlikely to come back fully. They take for granted their ability to trust and never, just never can understand how one suffers without that baseline of belief in others. It’s a lonely rocky road. You deserve respect about this issue and apologies from both sides with a vow not to communicate again without your knowledge and permission. If he needs support, he should get his own counselor.
        How are you doing?

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      • Yes, you did remember correctly, and I am glad you reminded me of this. It doesn’t excuse anything, but it did help me to read this before session on Thursday and remember that I had created a relationship between them. Thank you for reminding me.

        I agree that others don’t understand the trust issues and how hard it is. And I fake being trusting, so well, that most would never guess at the confusion and fear and difficulty under the surface.

        I’m okay. Not great, but okay. I’m trying something new, not running and not pretending everything is okay. And it’s hard. Confronting the issue in a relationship is hard and scary. I’ve only told Bea what I know. I haven’t told hubby, and I’m not sure I will. I need to repair this with Bea, and then maybe deal with all the hurtful things he said, before I can even contemplate talking to him. Thank you for this. Xx

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      • Oh, I’m glad to hear this. My first response was so flippant, and I chalk it up to sleep deprivation. Often I need to think before responding in a way that is truly mine. I decided to forgive myself and hope others do too realizing one can’t be on the mark all the time.
        Um, I think Bea is the one who needs to do the repairing. But I know what you mean and how it feels just awful when a rift exists between one we care about. I believe and trust this is something she will apologize and with a full heart. Though having to confront these things is so dam hard! I fully agree on that one. Good luck, and I’m sure it go well, and feel like such a load lifted.

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      • I didn’t think your first response was flippant. I truly didn’t read it like that at all. 😊

        I understand Bea is the one who has to do the repairing; but I have to be present and let it in. I have to be able to accept it. I don’t know. I just feel like a repair takes two people.

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      • Oh yes it does. You wise one. She could all the repairing in the world but if you don’t allow it in, it is worthless. So many times I was unable to allow repair once trust was impacted or I was hurt. Kudos! and thank you wise one.

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      • Trust is a core issue and when you have been abused it’s very difficult to trust. It takes a lot of work and time as you know. We experience trust, sometimes for the first time, with our therapists. Therapists are not whom we expect to violate that trust. Lest we forget they are human😏 I can only imagine the betrayal you must feel. You deserve an explanation and have every right to ask for one. I’m positive she felt it would be a benefit to you, but still needs to own the violation and work very hard at repairing the relationship. If it helps, I’ve been there and the relationship was repaired and trust re established. It was the first time I didn’t throw my arms up in the air and walk away and I’m better for it. I stayed and worked through it. It’s incredible to be able to get upset at someone, tell, scream and even curse at them and have that person accept your anger, not throw you away for expressing it and own their mistake and apologize for it. Stay the course. You deserve it!

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      • It helps. Thank you. I haven’t ever stayed and worked through my feelings being hurt. I either ignore it, while pretending things are okay and eventually the hurt gets buried, or I run away. This time, I’m going for the third option. It’s scarier and harder and more painful than I thought. At this point, I’m not sure I can actually do this. But I think I want to try.

        Can I ask how long it took? Or how it was fixed? I don’t know….I guess I sort of want to know what to expect. This is a new thing for me.

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      • I just read your post and I’m so glad Kay was able to convince you to go back. I’m glad you’re willing to stay the course and experience the repair. The odus is on Bea to work hard to regain your trust. All she can do is be consistent and assure you that she will never again speak to anyone without your permission unless she feels you may hurt yourself – and that’s just being a good therapist. This is what my therapist said to me. I, for sometime, was unable to let go of the betrayal. I acted like it was all resolved but in the back of my mind I would say “I’ll never call her emergency line again. I’ll check my husbands phone, emails, cell phone statements to make sure there really is no communication….” This went on for maybe 6-8 months while all the while my therapist continued to be consistent, reassuring, open to all communication from me and accepting of all the angry outbursts or undercuts I threw at her. Always acknowledging my right to my anger and my right to be heard, accepted not rejected or told I’m being too this or that for expressing how I felt. Alice, after awhile it seeps through all your armor and little by little you relax in the trust and begin to realize it was never you. You were never crazy, too this or that. It was the people around you that fed you the lies and you were a child who was a sponge and absorbed all their projections. Little by little having Bea validate your hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal you’ll learn to feel and believe you have a right to all your feelings and deserve to be heard and have someone accept all of you and that you deserved it all along. Staying the course and talking it out and working through this with Bea will help you know what you deserve from others and how to recognize those that can give it to you and those that will never so not to waste your valuable energy attempting to please them. You’re worth Bea having to work extra hard to regain your trust and you have no reason to feel badly about it.

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  3. I agree that’s a betrayal of trust – even if they had your best interests at heart. It’s a conflict of interest and Bea should have been professional and either told you, or explained to your husband that the conversation shouldn’t have kept from you. No wonder you feel so unsettled. They will address the point I’m sure with innocent convictions – I doubt there is any other reason, but still, what was Bea thinking?? The onus was on her to set boundaries and honesty. I’m frankly disgusted. But it’s not so much your husband’s fault, I doubt he didn’t consider the ramifications. I’m so sorry this has happened. I understand and I feel your pain. I hope you can at least make peace with your husband. As for Bea, well, I don’t see a way forward, I hope you can reconcile this in your head xxxx

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    • It is a huge betrayal of trust, thank you for getting that. She really should have told me. I’m not so mad about the emailing as I am about not being told. You are right, there it was innocent and meant to be caring, but it does still hurt. I can’t tell hubby what I know right now, everything he had to say just hurts too much. Maybe one day, but not now. As for Bea, I’m going to to try to work through this. It’s…well, I guess in the last year and a half, all her actions and words don’t erase this incident, but it gives me pause to just throwing my hands up and walking away.

      I was thinking about you the other day. How are you doing? Xx

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    • Thank you for this, for being supportive. It’s hard, isn’t it? Because she has been so great and has become so important to me, that this just feels so huge. She did agree she should have told me. Xx

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  4. I first read this and was shocked and appalled. Then I remembered that ages ago, when I was going through my divorce and a terrible psychological crisis, my (then) husband would sometimes call my therapist. She would talk to him a little. She never shared anything we talked about, but she used to help him calm down and understand that changes take time, or that it’s normal (for me) to be distrustful when I’ve experienced betrayals before. This always made him less angry and aggressive toward me, at least for a while. So I guess it depends on the nature of the communication. If she shares things that are confidential between the two of you, that is a terrible violation of your relationship. If she is in a general way helping your husband to have patience with the process or think about ways to support you, it’s not a betrayal–but it still seems like she should be upfront with you about this communication.

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    • She never shared anything with him. She only ever told him she couldn’t talk about it, she wished she could discuss it further but I need to be on board. She cautioned him against wanting “old Alice” back and suggested he think of it as moving forward to a better place. I think, from what I have read and what she has said, she was only trying to put out fires and keep him calm and things stable. But she should have told me. It feels like a betrayal because she didn’t tell me. I am going to try to work through this with her. And I like the way you explained your experience of a therapist talking to a husband, thank you for that. It helped me see a little more clearly. Xx

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