Aside

Choices and perspectives 

I wanted to thank all of you for your supportive words these last few days. I feel like so many of you have been very protective of me and my feelings and reactions to this situation. It is such a warm and fuzzy feeling. That being said, I didn’t realize there would be so many strong opinions and feelings over this. I appreciate everyone’s perspective, and– maybe for the first time in my life– have seen how it is okay for people to see things differently, and discuss it in a kind manner. I truly hope that when I have disagreed with anyone on this that I have done the same, and that everyone can continue to disagree in a respectful and kind way. 

I wanted to explain my perspective on things, where I stand as of now. I have been emailing with Bea this weekend, and it has helped a lot. I still feel very shaky where she is concerned, and hurt, betrayed, angry, sad. Even with all that, I do get the sense she is still here and not going anywhere. This sucks, and I wish it hadn’t happened, I wish I could erase it all. Or at least, erase knowing what happened. But I can’t do that, and either can Bea. 

The way I see it, I have four choices:

One–I can pretend everything is fine, and continue in therapy as if nothing happened. That is an old response; one I have used often, if I didn’t want to lose the person who hurt my feelings, and it is something I learned in childhood, but it is not healthy. 

Two— I can throw my hands up, run away and never look back. This, too, is an old response. I run from conflict, and I run from tough feelings in relationships. I don’t want to do this anymore. A while ago, I said I wanted to work on understanding relationships and not being so frightened of them. 

Three— I can talk to her, confront her, face it and then leave, having had some closure. This wouldn’t be an unhealthy choice, by any means. But it doesn’t feel right to me, at this moment. 

And finally, there is option number Four— I can confront her, talk it through and hope that things can be repaired. This is where I am at. It feels healthy to me, and as if there is a lot of potential for growth. I have never– honestly never– told someone they have hurt my feelings and then saw it through. Last year, in October, Bea hurt my feelings. I never directly told her, but she knew, by the things I said. She attempted to discuss it with me, and I refused. I completely shut her down. I pretended I wasn’t hurt, and that hurt was buried fairly easily. That is how I have always dealt with conflict and hurt feelings if I still wanted that person in my life. This, now, is an opportunity to do something different. It’s a chance to confront the hurt feelings, the person who hurt them, and allow that person to repair it. And, it’s a chance to do so with a safe person. Because even though I don’t feel like she is really safe right now, in this moment, a part of me recognizes that she hasn’t changed, and somewhere, deep down, I still believe she is safe. 

It’s extremely vulnerable making to do this, and so much harder than I ever would have thought. There are a lot of old feelings coming up, a lot of old fears. I grew up in a household where conflict was avoided at all costs, and if not avoided apologies were accepted no matter what your feelings really were, and the issue never brought up again. The idea that it is okay to bring this up again and again, week after week, in session or email or a phone call, is overwhelming to me. It feels like it can not be true. It’s not something I have experienced, and a big part of me wants to experience being able to talk about the same thing as many times as I need to.  

I know at some point, I am will need to talk about hubby’s words. Right now, I’m too shamed by them and hurt. I’m not sure what to believe about him anymore, and I feel very lost and out to sea without an anchor. I am confused and hurt. The things he wrote are so different from the things he says to me. I don’t know what is the real hubby anymore, or where my marriage really stands. There is obviously work to do there, in my own therapy to work through my feelings about this and maybe in therapy with him, at some point. I just don’t know right now. The only thing I can do right now, is to have perfect Alice run the ship when it comes to my marriage. There is a distance between us, and I’m not sure if it is me, or him, but it makes me very sad. 

I know many of my readers disagree with me, and see things from a different perspective. That is okay, and in my opinion it is a good thing. We need other’s perspectives. It’s part of what allows us to see all sides of an issue and make informed choices. I know many of you would make a different choice than I am, and that’s okay, too. I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice in this situation. 

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11 thoughts on “Choices and perspectives 

  1. Yes Alice, it is your decision made from knowing the many different viewpoints but most importantly base on what you need. My T has always told me that I know what I need. Deep down I believe that and when we do something that goes against our needs it feels “wrong”. You do know what you need and how you feel (even when you can’t admit it or don’t want to). No right and no wrong….breathe….
    sending you love

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I think you are right, when we do something that is against what we need it does feel wrong. It feels right to work this out, or at least to try. Thank you for sending support and love. Xx

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  2. Sirena says:

    I think you have to do what feels right for you, and it does sound very healthy, to hear her out, to allow her to repair this. I also sense that she’s there for you, it’s always been about protecting you, even though she got it wrong. I’m glad you’re not just running away from it and I think there is a lot of golden lessons to be learnt for both of you from this next few weeks/months.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I think it has always been about keeping me safe and protecting me. That is why I can think about repairing this, instead of running. I think there are a lot of lessons to be learned, too. Thank you for being so supportive. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Alice, I am so impressed at how you have taken a bad situation and you are turning it into so much growth. You are amazing!

    I’m also glad that Bea generally is trustworthy, so you had a secure enough base that such a breach didn’t destroy everything you had built between the two of you. There is a huge rupture there and she rightfully will have to work hard to earn your trust back, but all of that work that the two of you have previously done seems to be giving you enough to hold on to that you can experience working through a repair of this magnitude. Good for you!

    It’s a messy, complicated situation, isn’t it? Her connection with your family is more complex than most individual therapists have with their clients’ families. I think that it created a lot of grey that resulted in a bad decision on her part.

    Sending tons of support as you make your way through this messy, yucky time with her. I hope that you can regain that sense of connect and support sooner than you expect. You deserve to have it there for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sending your support. I don’t know if I’m amazing, but thank you. I feel like I have changed with this situation, and not necessarily in a negative way. I think I’m seeing what, exactly it means to have a secure enough base that a breach like this doesn’t destroy everything. I never had that before.

      It really is a messy situation, with her being more involved with my family than most therapists would be. The good parts of that– her ability to know why I react on certain ways to Kat, to know what is really going on in my life and be able to watch for signs of that affecting Kat, ext– is still something I appreciate so much, and feel like has helped more than hurt, if I weigh all the good against this one bad. Of course, she can’t talk to hubby anymore, at least not anytime soon.

      I hope I can feel more connected sooner than later, too. Thank you. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. By allowing a loving other to guide us to places we’ve avoided and feared to go for fear of abandonment and/or rejection, accepting their humanity and their inevitablity to err against us at times and allowing them to make amends and prove to us our trust was not misplaced and our being is worth their every effort to get back on course is how we heal and grow. Eventually, we change the self directed negative onslaught in our heads and recognize and feel our own worth so that we can go forth without our therapists and make these loving relationships outside the therapy room and live the lives we all so richly deserve. You have come a long way Alice. I hope you recognize your strength and courage going forward.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for saying I have come a long way. I feel like I have grown a lot on just a few days, lol. I went from a girl who ran to someone who stays. I went from a girl afraid to state her opinion and say what she needs to someone who did so in a direct and (hopefully) kind manner. I don’t feel especially strong right now, but perhaps that will change. Thank you for all your support. Xx

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