Email of random thoughts  

I emailed with Bea again this week. We discussed a lot of things via email that carried over to Thursday’s session. Please take care when reading this, as I did write about sex, self harm, and some abuse details. Xx💟

I was worried when you said something on Monday about finding a way to track or check to see if I’m making progress. …………….. She is worried that you don’t think I’ve changed at all, or gotten any better because it’s all too small. I don’t know.

No, no, not any of that! I think there’s been a lot of change, and the window is getting bigger!  

Thank you–I’m glad it’s not any of that. I feel like a lot has changed. I should probably make a list of what feels different, on what I think has changed and we should look at it. It’s a good thing, and you should know that I do feel like things are better. I just worry that you are going to be irritated at some point because it takes me so long to do or change anything. I mean part of me knows that isn’t true, that it is okay. But part of me worries. 

I think for me it’s just needing feedback about whether or not something we’ve done is effective. I thought last Thursday’s session was real good, that much was integrated and you were in the window, but I was looking for confirmation of that from afterward to know if it really was effective.
It was good. The little girl felt very seen and listened to after the emails we sent last week and then Thursday’s session, and everything feels more….I don’t know the right word. She feel less disconnected than she did, less alone. She feels like maybe you really do want to listen to her, and like maybe– maybe– the sensorimotor stuff might be okay, and like working on resources by coloring is okay. She’s okay with coloring now. She doesn’t know about the game you were talking about, but she doesn’t feel so afraid that you are going to be angry if she says no, or upset if she tries and isn’t okay with it after all. 

Coloring on Monday while we talked was good. I know I didn’t end up saying the thing I was thinking about, but it was good. I was really far away, but then when I was coloring and sort of focusing on coloring in the flowers with yellow, I actually did start to feel more here. So it does give me some control. I’m just not sure….it doesn’t feel comfortable to me yet, I guess. Maybe because it’s hard to focus on anything when I’m that far away, and it feels almost intrusive to try to focus on something outside of the far away. But it just is new and strange and I’m not sure about it. And a part of me is afraid that telling you this is a bad idea because you will think we can add things to coloring now, and I’m not ready for that yet. But I’m getting more comfortable with intentionally being more here. It’s just in very tiny little bits at a time. 

If you had told me you hid in the closet, cut a bunch, and had more nightmares I would have reconsidered what we had done! If we can collaborate about what seems to work and what doesn’t that seems like an ideal plan.
Okay. That makes sense. I can always tell you (or give you my notebook) how things were after we talk. I probably wouldn’t come right out and tell you that I cut a bunch, though. You’d have to just ask. I still feel like my not so great coping methods are bad and I’m going to be in trouble or something. I don’t know. But I didn’t cut on Thursday, or on the weekend. And I didn’t hide. I was sad, but that was really it. I did have a nightmare Friday night, but it wasn’t exactly the same as it was before. It was more the actual…..what happened……and the after wasn’t as…..I don’t know……it wasn’t as frightening or panic making or something…Because usually, in my dream, there’s the after, and I’m so scared that something is really, really wrong with me, that I’m really sick or maybe even dying because of the bleeding. But it wasn’t as terrifying in my dream now. And I don’t feel the same panic I used to when I would think about it. It’s more….I don’t know, removed from me or something. Like, I know I was scared, and I remember being so afraid to fall asleep because I was scared I might not wake up, but it feels more like I remember how it felt to be scared, not like I’m actually scared because of the bleeding right now in this moment. Does that make sense? I’m not so sure how to explain it. But it feels different. 
I was thinking about what I said on Monday, about maybe one day wanting to talk about what actually happened, and not just talk around it. I’m not ready to do that right now, but a part of me just doesn’t want to be afraid to talk about all of it anymore. The thing is, though, right now, I am afraid. I’m afraid to really face it, because even if I’m reliving it in my dreams and memories, and flashbacks, talking about it is different. I get afraid of feeling the way I do after I wake from a dream, or when something send me into a tailspin in the middle of my day. I’m afraid of the words, too. You can’t really talk about what actually happened without using….i don’t know, I guess, for lack of a better description, the “sex words”. That alone makes me want to cringe, to go throw up. I just…ugh. The words themselves are triggering and make me feel disgusting. How can I explain what happened, tell you what happened, what happens in my nightmare, what he did, what I did, what I feel, what i think, when it’s disgusting? When I’m disgusting? Because then you will think I’m disgusting and revolting and wrong. It feels wrong to take these sickening memories and put them into someone else’s head. And if I ever manage to get over my issue with the words and talk at all about the actual…well, then how will you ever not see me as repulsive and gross and perverted? Because what kind of person has these images, these feelings in her head? Ugh. I honestly just want to go throw up now.

I would imagine that there are probably repulsive, gross, and perverted things in most people’s heads. It’s probably fair to say that most of us censor those things and don’t like them.

Okay, I get that most everyone censors things….I mean, it’s not like people just talk about sex in everyday conversation. Well, I do have friends who are pretty open about that stuff, but they learned a long time ago that I don’t have conversations and get really uncomfortable if they bring that stuff up. So, it’s not even conversation that comes up in my friendships. Or my marriage. I hated that part of getting married…the only thing I hated about getting married……the whole honeymoon, you are getting married, let’s go shopping for wedding night things, ext, ext. Oh my gosh I found it all embarrassing and awful. I don’t know. 

I think you have to try not to pass judgement on yourself for these things happening and being in your head.  

It’s just not that easy. I hate the things in my head. If I could magically erase them, I would. Its awful. Really, too see and feel…ugh. I’m going to be sick. 

As we’ve talked about before, sex is a really complicated thing even without abuse thrown in. I think most people who’ve been abused want it to go away, but have a strange relationship with it at the same time.  

Strange…..I wouldn’t say strange. Confusing, messy, awful, a jumbled revolting mess. I just want it all to go away. 

Maybe it’s about learning to tolerate it without being so triggered? In that way talking about it and saying the words might help. 

I don’t know if I can. I really don’t. I have memories of things that happened, and it’s like the girl in them doesn’t have words, because she doesn’t know….any words she has are words he used. But now, I’m an adult, so I do know the words, or can figure out words to explain what is happening in the flashbacks and memories and dreams. But I can’t say them, write them, think them. It’s this instant sick feeling, and seeing it in my head and going as far away as I can. And then I’m overwhelmed and want to hide and throw up and cut. 

On Thursday, I felt like I really just want hubby  to hug me, to hold me. Well, maybe it was more the little girl part that was wanting a hug. She was feeling so sad. I don’t usually have this desire to reach out like that, especially when I’m dealing with nightmares and memories. But I did feel like I wanted to. I couldn’t though, because I was beyond terrified that it would turn into something more

If you could just get the hugs…. I wish you could express that need to him. It is the place to start.

I know I should just tell him. But it feels so complicated. I’m so afraid that he wants more, and I’m afraid to say I don’t because he might get mad or hurt or something and leave. I don’t think the little girl trusts him. And, I mess it up because sometimes that part of me just wants a hug, but as soon as hubby is holding me, there is a part of me that thinks I have to instigate something before he does, or before he gets upset, or I need to instigate something so that he will still love me. I hate that part, and the little girl does not trust that part at all. So….i don’t know. But it’s not all hubby. It’s my messed up head. And hugs aren’t safe. But I think hubby is reaching his limit of me being distant and gone and not touching or hugging at all. I think he is jealous or mad or upset or I don’t know what that I will snuggle with Hagrid at night in bed, and not with hubby. But Hagrid is safe. It sounds so impossibly stupid, but I know Hagrid is just going to snuggle and be there. hubby….I don’t know what he will do. Or what I will do. So I can’t. And hubby will put his hand on my shoulder, or rub my back, or whatever — even if it’s the middle of the day, not at night, I feel like this frozen statue person, stuck inside myself not daring to breathe just waiting, wishing, hoping he will stop touching me, but unable to say anything about it. 


I wrote this a long time ago. When we first were discussing sex, and Ryan, and my feelings. I’m pretty sure that I never actually emailed it or gave it to you because well, i don’t know why exactly maybe because it seemed like too much to tell you. But I think it’s okay now. And my feelings haven’t changed. 

You said—–“I’m sure the sexuality piece is confusing and will take time to work through. I think it’s kind of like the eating in some way–both involve appetites, and how much or how little, and all sorts of feelings that really aren’t part of the actual human drive for either. I really think the most helpful “secure base” definition about what is “normal” in terms of sex is when people say “anything between two consenting adults is okay.” I think repeating that definition when you’re wondering if something is “normal” is really helpful.”

I think I’m not even talking about the act of sex when I say I don’t know what is normal. I think I mean the feelings, or thoughts, or beliefs about sex. I don’t know how to explain this without being way more open than I really am. Ugh. And I don’t know how to order this, or make it make sense, so it’s just going to be messy. 
I think the basic fact is, in my mind, sex is bad. Liking sex, wanting sex, having sex is bad, dirty, wrong. So if I initiate things with hubby, it’s dirty and wrong. If I go along with him, it’s bad. Even though I’m consenting, I really don’t want to. I hate myself for not saying no, or for initiating something I never should have.  
I can’t say no. Like, I physically can not make myself say no to sex, even when I want to. If hubby tries to start things, and inside I’m screaming that I don’t want this, I can’t tell him no. All I can do is go along, and go away. I’ve never said no. After the boyfriend, I slept around. I acted like a slut. But the thing is, even though I consented, there were times when I would have said no, but I just couldn’t. I never told the boyfriend no, either. I want to be able to say no. And realistically, I should be able to tell my husband no. hubby is a safe person. So why can’t I tell him no? 
After…um, I don’t know how to say this….when it’s over, I always feel like crying. I feel like a very bad thing just happened, like I messed up, like I’m not okay. I feel like showering. And not being touched at all. A lot of times, I cut. 
Sex is something I go along with for hubby, because I’m afraid if I don’t, he won’t be happy. I’m afraid he won’t love me. And I can’t say no. It’s something to get over with, to make it through. To just survive. 
Ugh. I don’t know that this is ever getting shared. But I don’t know how to resolve any of this. Or make it better. I just wish that sex wasn’t a thing, that it could magically disappear. I hate it. I feel dirty and gross and like slut. I wish I could never ever have to have sex again. Ever. I want nothing to do with it. There is a reason I read books written for teenagers and refuse to watch certain shows or movies. I leave the room of there is even a hint of a sex scene. It makes me sick and shameful feeling. I just can’t deal with it. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜The next group of emails on this topic went like this…….💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

I was going going to write back, but even logistically it seemed too complicated! Would it be okay if we went over this on Thursday–you don’t have to talk about sex at all–there are more general things I want to say?

I think healing the sexual part of yourself has to be a slow process that kind of parallels healing the trauma. It seems like you have to start with touch that doesn’t lead to sex, so you would have to be able to have open communication with hubby about that.
There is a lot to talk about here–important things covering a lot of areas, not just sex. But if and when you feel like you want to talk about any of the sex stuff we can.

We can go over it on Thursday, that is okay. I have to tell you that it makes me nervous, though. I usually write the things I want to talk about but am too afraid to just say or talk about face to face. But you can talk about all of it, I just can’t promise to talk back (maybe I will use that whiteboard……). 

And, I just need to double check that everything is okay; that I just brought up too much to reply to by writing and it feels easier to you to discuss it in person. Is that right? It’s not that I wrote something wrong or whatever. Right? 💜{💜[***I was feeling really proud of myself, because I would not usually allow these worries to be voiced. But since the big rupture, when the little girl didn’t feel listened to, or like she could talk, I’m trying to allow her space to speak and sometimes that means asking questions the grown up me finds silly***💜]💜}

Everything is okay! I just felt like there were a lot of things that needed a lot of words–too much to write. You did not bring up anything “wrong”–in fact you brought up great stuff! 💜{💜[***And with that response, the little girl was reassured, and I was able to get some sleep***]💜}💜


8 thoughts on “Email of random thoughts  

  1. The complicated sex stuff, that it is dirty, or rather that I am dirty, even if I consent, I really get that. Even though I also like it. Which much really prove I am dirty, right? So very messy.

    You have come such a long way in your ability to talk about things. That trust and connection you have with Bea is beautiful.


    • That’s exactly it. You do get it. I wish it weren’t so complicated. And I’m not even sure I’m in a place where I want to work on it. Except, I’m tired of my marriage being this mess, and I think it starts with this. I don’t know. But thank you for letting me know I’m not alone and someone out there gets it. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • E. loaned me a book, Sexual Healing, or something like that. I kept it a few weeks and returned it without reading more than a page or so. It felt too “hot,” and I didn’t feel ready to take it on. I sense it will be one of the last things I am ready to tackle. I am grateful that my husband has said, “whenever you are ready” and hasn’t pushed.

        Are you able to tell your husband that you are struggling with this and can’t really talk about it now? Even just that much?


      • I’m not sure I can handle a book. Bea did suggest finding a book, but I don’t know if I can read about sex. Ugh.

        We talked today about writing a letter to hubby, together. I’m still not okay with him and Bea talking or being around each other. But we talked about me writing a letter explaining what I could, and Bea adding in some education. She really wants to make sure he gets that I’m not crazy, that all of this is so, so normal. I feel like she finally believes me that he just can’t get it, and that he always thinks I’m crazy. I’m really glad you have been able to talk to your husband enough to have him understand it will take time. Xx


      • He really does get that it takes time, and that’s okay for him. What he doesn’t get is how crazy I can feel and how I can want to self-destruct. He’s just very emotionally healthy and can’t really imagine what that feels like. (And I’m glad for him that he can’t.)

        Re: any kind of sexual healing. Sometimes I think it will be one of the last topics I tackle. And something I think it will be something I just won’t be able to fix in my lifetime. But you! You are younger than me and doing lots of brave things already, so I feel sure you can get to a place of having sex that feels right and meaningful, even if it takes a while.


      • I think you will get there, in terms of tackling this. You’ve done so much sleazy this year!

        As for me, I can’t imagine what it would look like to be in a place where sex feels right and meaningful and not dirty and gross. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m really ready to tackle this, but I guess I feel like I’m at place in my marriage where some of it must be looked at and talked about.


  2. I am so proud of you/impressed you were able to ask her if she didn’t want to talk about it over email because she was upset – I would have had the exact same response. These are such delicate matters, so sensitive and tender. I’m so glad you are opening up, even if it is really hard.


    • It is really hard. But I’m trying something new– instead of the adult part judging my worries as stupid, I’m trying to just let the little girl ask, and voice those worries. It’s hard, but I think it will help in the long run. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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