I have no one

I leave therapy, and feel like crying. I want to curl up in bed and sob for days. I’m so, so sad, but I can’t allow myself to feel right now. I make it through the rest of my afternoon, and then, while Kat is occupied with ABA, I crawl into bed. I pull my blankets over my head, and bury my face in my pillow to muffle the sound of my cries. 

I’ve felt alone and abandoned all week. Bea coming back was supposed to make everything better. Not better because I expect her to fix everything, but because I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I hadn’t wanted to talk, but I had thought…..I needed her to push and ask me how things really are and want to listen. I don’t want the bubble popped, but maybe I wanted to let her into the bubble with me, to let her see what the bubble is hiding. 

And while she is back from her trip, she still isn’t here. I’m devastated. It was like sitting in a room with my mother, being a teen….I felt like it was no different than the times I’d attempted suicide and my mom had talked about weather and church activities, planned a birthday party for me. My mother was so emotionally closed off and not able to be open at all, even during those times I really needed her to be. The thing is, with my mom, I was never surprised. Hurt, yes, but not surprised. I’m not even sure that she was even aware that she was so emotionally closed off back then. But Bea? Bea has never been closed off like that. I’ve shut her out, closed myself off from her, but she has never been like that towards me. I didn’t expect this. Not really. I worry about it happening, I fear that she will one day be done with me, but I never really expected that she would be shut down like this. And she knows how to not be closed off, she is capable of being emotionally open. That makes this hurt even worse. With my mom, I feel like ‘why couldn’t she be what I needed, what was so bad about me that she couldn’t leave be me enough to be what I needed?’ But with Bea, I feel like I have done something to cause this, like she was once able to accept me, be open for me, and I have screwed up and was too honest about my feelings and the mess in my head and so she now has to close herself off from me. When she suggested she was maybe protecting herself, all I could think was that she had to protect herself from how disgusting I am. I mean, why wouldn’t she want to protect herself from the pain and hurt and crazy and disgusting mess that I am? Who could blame her? 

It feels like I might never stop crying, but when my sobs calm down, I write a letter to Bea with tears still streaming down my face. I tell her that I am sad, and that I needed her to be Bea today. I tell her I think she is protecting herself from the grossness that is me. I tell her I’m hurt that she isn’t really here, and that I feel stupid for how I feel, and for even writing to her but that I think not addressing this type of stuff is what made the little girl feel like Bea wanted her to go away and that she wasn’t allowed to talk. 

I NEEDED you to be YOU today. I think I spent most of the weekend and week thinking that it would be okay because I’d come to therapy and tell you how I felt, and that I was freaking out, and having a mini breakdown, and that your emails made you seem farther away, and I was sad and scared and feeling like I was so alone and everyone left me. And even though I didn’t want to pop the bubble, I sorta wanted to talk to you, or at least give you my writing. But I couldn’t do anything today, after I felt like you weren’t on my side about the school stuff. And then it just got harder to bring anything up. You said you had a wall up, and maybe you were protecting yourself. I get it, the grown up me gets how hard it is to come back from vacation, and can see that you were acknowledging things felt weird and that it is okay and we will get back to normal on monday and it would be okay, and I know you are human and make mistakes and can’t be on all the time and that you aren’t going to always get it right, and that those things can be okay, because it means I can learn to work through this crappy scary relationship stuff. So, grown up me is okay. Unfortunately grown up me is not running the ship right now. And the rest of me, I already felt shut down from how yucky and triggered I had felt, and scared and mad and not okay, and then everything today just was wrong and off and I felt like maybe you had a wall up to protect yourself from how crazy and disgusting I am and you weren’t there. And I really, really needed you to be there. And I really, really don’t feel better, I just seem better on the outside. And I’m really, really not okay.

Bea wrote back. 

I’m SO sorry for me not being okay today. It was nothing about you, and I was very aware of what you needed from me and how you needed me to be, but I just couldn’t do it:( Please rest assured that it was not anything related to you! I know me not being okay triggered the little girl to not feel safe–no secure base. We all experience this at times as parents when we just can’t function emotionally as a secure base for our kids, and that was exactly what this was like for me this morning. Again, I’m SO sorry:(. Cognitively I’m very aware of how terrible that was for you–and I was aware this morning as well, but I just couldn’t unprotect myself. This was me being very human, unfortunately……

Her email didn’t feel okay. Maybe it usually would, but I am so closed off from her and afraid and she doesn’t feel safe right now. Nothing feels safe. I don’t understand why she couldn’t be how I needed her to be, why she couldn’t be herself. I’m hurt. And confused. I’m meant to pretend I’m not hurt, that her email made it all better, because I need her. I don’t know what the protocol is for being mad and hurt at the one person you need to support and help you and telling them how you are truly feeling. Normally, I would call Kay. I would cry and ask her what to do. Because she always has the answers. But I’m alone. I don’t have Kay, and I don’t have Bea. I have no one. 

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “I have no one

  1. Oh wow. I can always relate to your words and thoughts but these posts are closer to my heart than usual. I am hoping that this period passes by quickly and Bea returns to you in whole so you can anchor again. Xo

    Like

  2. I want you to know that there is no timeframe for “getting over” this, and you don’t have to pretend you’re not hurt. Your feelings are valid and even though it’s good that she recognises what happened and has apologised, that doesn’t change the fact that it happened and the impact it’s had on you. I promise you are not crazy or disgusting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Rea. It’s nice to be reminded there is no timetable to get over this. It is good age acknowledged what was happening and apologized but it doesn’t change what happened. It feels like such a mess right now.

      Like

  3. I want to second what Rea said. You can still be angry and hurt about Bea not being available and it won’t keep her from coming back. Your forgiving her isn’t a precondition for her getting back to normal. It’s an excellent thing that she was able to acknowledge and apologize for her not being fully available, but she will understand that her doing so is better than her denying or ignoring the problem, but it doesn’t erase the problem. I believe that she will understand that a real repair can’t happen until your relationship is normalized again. That can’t happen until she can function normally within the relationship.

    I’m so sorry that you have to go for even longer feeling all alone.

    Like

    • Thanks Cat. It’s hard to believe that being hurt and angry won’t stop her from coming back. I’m not sure if this can be repaired. I’m not leaving yet, but it just feels like so many BIG ruptures have happened, I’m not sure how I can trust her again. 🙁 I don’t know.

      Like

  4. Sirena says:

    I know Bea will be back to normal soon. But I think it is so scary that she couldn’t herself access that openness required to attune to you. I would have freaked out too. Even reading her reply I was like ewww i don’t like it. I’m sorry she’s been like that, how horrible for you. I am positive though that this will pass. x

    Like

    • Thank you for not liking her reply. It really is scary that she couldn’t be herself. I want to not care, but it hurts. I hope you are right and it will pass. I’m just not sure I can let it go.

      Like

  5. I agree with Sirena; I didn’t like Bea’s email at all. I didn’t like that she couldn’t unprotect herself. That is her job. It is NOT like being a parent who sometimes can’t be fully present emotionally. Being is parent is 24/7 and so of course there are off times. Being a therapist for someone is an hour or a few hours a week that she is getting paid for. I feel like she needed to be there for you. If she was feeling it at the time, she needed to do it or at least make moves in that direction. Maybe I’m being harsh. I know they are not perfect. But for her to say she sat there and knew you needed more and not try to give it to you, that makes me mad.

    Ew, I did it again, I turned my comment into something about me and my anger, instead of about you. I apologize. I do think that Bea will be her old self again the next time you see her. And you can be mad and hurt for as long as you need to feel that way. It is absolutely okay to feel what you feel.

    Take care of yourself, Alice. Your needs are important — you are important!

    Like

    • It’s okay you let out your anger over this on my behalf. It helps me feel less crazy, less horrible for being upset.

      I think she did try to unprotect herself, tried to give me what she knew I needed. I remember her telling me about a time she was upset with the school as a parent, and she tried to connect that way, but it was after she seemed so not on my side over the school stuff, and I was so shut down I couldn’t even really hear her. Which is why I think the disconnect weird wrong feeling was both of us. Because maybe if I hadn’t been so shut down, and had been able to reach back when she tried to reach out….I don’t know. But things could have gone differently, and she had extra time so there was time to try to fix it. I don’t know. Now it’s a huge mess and I’m afraid it can’t be fixed.

      Thank you for saying me and my needs are important. 💟

      Like

  6. Hi Alice, this makes me feel really sad for you. If I place myself in your position, I would feel emotionally annihilated. So, I’m just really wishing this hadn’t happened, with all else that has happened this year. Bea is clearly having something happening in her personal life, for her to be responding in this way. It isn’t for lack of care, perhaps lack of adequate self-care but not care for you. She couldn’t do what you needed and that is a very valid reason to feel so not okay. She let you down. I hope the repair happens quickly to put your heart to ease. xx

    Like

    • Rachel, thank you for getting how this feels. It feels very validating to have you recognize that this is really horrible partly because of all that has happened this year. I don’t want to really admit she let me down and I’m hurt. And I’m afraid that we can’t fix this. I’m terrified this is the beginning of the end.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly, you’ve had several really big ruptures and haven’t fully recovered, it is like continually picking at a scab so the wound can’t heal. You haven’t had that time to really let those wounds heal, before further agitating. I really and truly believe it will be okay, that this is not the beginning of the end. That Bea was not there for you and it felt awful, and it is not going to be a common occurrence. She is human and failed you, but I don’t think that means you can’t count on her. I know it is hard to believe that right now, and it is okay to not believe it.

        Like

      • Yes. That’s it, it is like a scab that hadn’t had time to fully heal. You said it perfectly. Part of me believes that this won’t become the norm, that things will be okay, maybe better for working it out. But….other parts, not so much. Thanks for telling those parts it’s okay to not believe.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I found her response so honest.
    One session when you felt her presence elsewhere seems forgivable. The thing I like is that you told her how you felt. That is progress. Miraculous if it were me. And she got back to you, admitting it. Who does that? Most people make excuses. She didn’t. She gives so much to you from what I read. Try to cut her some slack. She is there for you and it has to be up to you to let her off the hook and go on. It’s OK.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is progress, isn’t it? I never would have told her how I felt sad and hurt and worried before. I would have let miss perfect just go on pretending. And Bea is honest. It’s hard, because the grown up me agrees with you, and can say that Bea is honest and that I believe she tells the truth– I can even remember once, when it took her a while to admit that she was doing something, and when she did, she even that led the truth that she just didn’t want to admit it, lol. She doesn’t tend to make excuses, she is transparent. Which is why I trusted her to begin with. The little girl and teen part are scared and mad and confused and afraid that she will lie, and say she is better when she isn’t, because I told her and she knew, how much it hurt me that she wasn’t there….and how will I ever know if she really is or isn’t okay? All these trust issues were already at the surface, and now they are just compounded. I don’t know.

      Like

      • That all makes perfect sense. All those questions, feelings and the mistrust. The Alice in charge took care of the issue. Kudos!
        No one really garners my trust completely. That’s just the way it is. My guess is you will find her very present. But will she wander again sometime? Perhaps because, well, you know, she is after all human and imperfect. The thing is that it is unusual and not repetitive. That would concern me.

        Like

  8. Do you feel that maybe this is a reenactment of when your mother was hospitalized when you were assaulted by Kenny and when she came back you felt she couldn’t be there for you? That’s what we do in therapy; we project our anger, hurt etc…onto our therapists and that’s how we heal. Not saying Bea has no fault, however, your reaction/feelings may have old hurts attached to them.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s