So. I’m freaking out right now. I was so good all day. I mean, I was distracted with IEP stuff, and baking, and cleaning, and Kat and I watched sleeping beauty, because I bought it for myself off iTunes, because it is my favorite Disney movie. But now, it’s night time, and I’ve say in bed the last hour, trying to listen to a book, watch an episode of Gilmore Girls, to fall asleep. But it’s not working. Instead, I’m freaking out. And feeling things I so do not want to be feeling, and seeing things I don’t want to see.
I’d like to write about my last two therapy sessions, except I don’t really remember them. I’d like to write about my weekend away, because it was great. It was so good. But it’s hard to concentrate right now.
I have a doctor appointment in the morning. At 9:15am. Bea offered, again, on Monday, to go with me. We talked about how my fears are very much the little girl, and how that is very reasonable, but very hard. She said the one thought she kept having was you don’t send a 5 year old to a scary doctor appointment by themselves, and that while she knew the grown up me could take care of things, she also knows that doesn’t always feel good, and having someone there who likes the 5 year old and understands can help things feel safer. She asked if I might reconsider asking hubby to go with me. It was an instant “no way!” from me, and she laughed in a nice way, like she was enjoying the fact I was being so adamant, and then she offered to come with me.
The little girl really, really wanted her to come. She wanted Bea to come and hold her hand and talk to the doctor for her and make it all okay. But the teen, she wasn’t having it. The teen thought that was just ridiculous, a crap idea. She sees it as the doctor’s office already thinks she is crazy because of her behavior, so if she brings her therapist with her, it only makes her look more crazy. The grown up…I don’t know what she wants. She doesn’t feel safe, and she really just wants to cancel the appointment and I suppose she has feelings of the little girl and the teen.
I told Bea what I was feeling, all of it, and we sat with that for a bit. And then I said I could always email her. She nodded, and agreed, that yes, I can email after the appointment, or before. I thought about it some more, and came up with an idea. It was really scary to ask. I hate that feeling of vulnerability, the idea that the other person has all the control, that they can say no, that if they say no, I will feel as though they don’t care. But I screwed up the little courage I have, and I asked her if we could text before, during, after the appointment. She smiled, and was enthusiastic about saying yes. I think she thought it was a good idea. She blocked off her calendar during my appointment time. I tried to tell her not to, that if something came up, I understood, but she wasn’t having it.
So. Tomorrow I will go to the doctor. I have one of the first appointments, so it shouldn’t be a long wait. It will just be her, and she wants to talk. If I really can’t talk, I can tell her that, or call Bea and have Bea talk to her. I decided it is okay if she puts that I have PTSD in my chart. I also decided to have her put a note of no male medical staff, doctors or otherwise. It feels very sexist and wrong, but I need to do what I can to ensure I don’t freak out again. And then, the exam. My plan is mostly to text Bea and stay as distracted as I can.