Catch up

This hasn’t been a super easy time for me, with my brothers wedding coming up……so, I’m trying to catch up..I have been reading posts and thinking of everyone. Xx๐Ÿ’Ÿ

Last Wednesday. I barely remember last Wednesday. What I do remember is being really shut down and only able to give Bea this crazy long journal thing I had written. She read it, and tried to respond, but I just couldn’t even connect. Everytime she tried to comment on something I had written, I could not even remember feeling those feelings. She was angry that couples shrink #1 had shut me down and not allowed me to talk. She had to take a minute, to just breathe. In all this time, out of all the horrible things I have told her, she has never needed a break. She told me, “I’m just really mad right now. Of course, she can practice therapy anyway she likes, but she really had no right to tell you that you weren’t as healed as you think you are, and maybe for her good therapy only happened face to face, that is very old school, and that is fine, but that is not how you work, it is not where you are at. I’m just feel very protective of my client right now. I want to call her and tell her she really hurt you, and tell her how hard it was for you to make that phone call and that it was not okay for her to take away your voice!” Bea was so very, very much on my side over the whole thing. It was really awesome. She still wanted me to call and talk to couples shrink #2; she did agree with me when I said it would feel even harder now, and she said I could remember that if I felt couples shrink #2 was willing to listen and I liked her, but I could not get the words out, then Bea would call and talk to her for me– she would be my backup. I agreed to this plan, and after I left her office, I called and left a message for shrink #2.

Monday. Another decidedly not present session with Bea. I started off by talking about the Kat and school and who knows what nonsense, as I often do. 

Bea wasn’t having it that day. “Alice. I want us to talk about you. We need to process whatever needs processing. I know stuff is coming up.” 

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked her, sounding all teacher like and in control. 

“I don’t have an agenda. I want to start where ever you are at. That’s where we start. I’m going to be quiet for a few moments and see if anything comes up for you.” Bea almost always warns me when she is being quiet like that because long stretches of silence freak me out and make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. So the warning is helpful. 

“I….nothing really. We went shopping for hubby’s shirt and tie for the wedding. He didn’t have one to go with my dress.” I told her. I remember feeling annoyed and like I wanted to leave, just get up and walk out because therapy was really a waste of my time. 

“So you chose a dress?” 

“Yeah, do you want to see it?” And of course Bea had said yes, so I got my phone out and pulled up a picture of my dress. As I did that, we talked about how my mom and I had been sending pictures back and forth daily for weeks, of dresses. The thing is, I’m not in the wedding, but my mother is insisting that hubby, Kat and I blend with the wedding colors for the pictures. The wedding colors are navy and grey. Two colors I am not fond of. But it’s not my wedding. So, my mom and I send pictures back and forth for weeks. I’d send her navy and grey dresses she would find things wrong with them. Then, she’d become frustrated and tell me to choose “whatever suited my style.” And, well, I ended up doing just that. I chose what suited my style. We will blend very nicely with the wedding colors, and we won’t be mistaken for part of the wedding party. And I will be me. 

I held out my phone, and Bea took it. She looked at the dress and smiled. “I love it. It’s beautiful! It’s perfect! And it’s pink! It’s so you! Does your mom know you chose a pink dress?” 

I answer, something snarky coming out of my mouth. But basically, yeah she knows. I sent her a year with a picture of the dress. She has chosen not to respond. Bea doesn’t give up though, she is just too happy over this dress. “Really, Alice. I feel like this whole wedding has felt out of your control, and this dress is you, having a voice, being you.” 

I smiled at that, because maybe it was true. The pink dress is me being me. 

********TRIGGER WARNING************

I don’t even know what for really, just like for everything and for feeling really bad, and for bad coping skills and maybe talking about the abuse and just feeling awful in general. This is just a shortened version of the really long journal thing I have to Bea to read in session, and then she had asked me to email it to her because she wanted to write to me since I wasn’t very present at all. Bea has read all of this, we discussed it in session and she emailed me to,discuss it further. So nobody needs to be worried. 
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It’s fall, and I’m in this “everyone hates me, all I do is screw up. No one gets it, I’m all alone, I’m the worst person on the world” feelings. I’m not sure it’s just fall that is triggering these feelings, although I know from past experience that it has been in the fall that I feel very alone and like no one is getting me. The last two falls have seen me do this with Bea, no matter what she says or does, I feel like she doesn’t t get it, like she’s not here, like she doesn’t care. I am determined to figure out what set off this reaction this time. And I’m also sitting here crying and feeling like a drama queen. Like I’m making this big deal out of nothing and acting like a crazy person. Because all the things that I can think of, the stuff I can pinpoint, is well, small. It’s nothing to be upset about. What is wrong with me? Why do I act like this? 

First, let’s start with therapy. I have somehow taken things she has said since she got back from this last trip, and twisted those things to mean….I don’t know, a basic message of she does not really want to deal with me. But then, maybe I didn’t twist them. Maybe that is what she meant. I don’t know. The grounded, healthy, grown up part of me says it is things I have twisted. The little girl part, the teenager, and that very protective part, they all say no, didn’t twist anything, she meant this. My head is spinning and I can’t think straight and everything is confused

Then there is the coupes therapist who did not call back and has now sent me to this freakout of she hates me, she thinks I’m annoying, needy and crazy and now she has not called back so if we don’t connect tomorrow or Tuesday then I’m screwed because the appointment is Wednesday, and I really was planning to tell hubby about the appointments tomorrow, but now I can’t because I’m not even sure she is safe and okay because she never called me back. And of course all the fears around the idea that she think I’m the crazy one and I can not be that raw in front of hubby and couples therapy is going to emotionally kill me and the only way I thought I might survive was if Bea was in my corner but she feels really really gone all of a sudden. 

And maybe I am crazy because on Wednesday when I left I felt okay and supported and like she got it, and now, just over 24 hours later, I feel like she does not get it, wants me to go far far away and like I am just all alone. 

Okay, hubby. Hubby has sent me into this massive crazy loop of feelings. 

—-I don’t think I can hold this feeling of being not in control and when I think about it or really it all just hits me, even if I don’t want to think about it. I’m just hit with too many feelings and images and body feelings all 3 mixed up together and it’s terrifying because it’s through this sort of view of lens of having no control,and no one to help and being all alone and not safe and really truly there was no one to tell. 

—-the wedding is in 16 days. I have 3 therapy sessions left. I can’t do this. There is too much. 

—I feel very scared and very alone and very not okay right now. I had said I felt like I was on this ledge and it wouldn’t take much to knock me off if. I fell off the ledge earlier today. 

— is this that feeling I think I identified last fall as always in the fall, I feel like I am alone and no one gets it and no one is really there and if they really knew me then they would leave? Is this that like seasonal reoccurring for feelings as memories? 

I can’t do this. Any of this. Therapy is ruining everything. I can’t do this. I can’t deal with my own freakouts around stupid nonsense, why do I expect Bea to? Oh my god, I am so stupid and needy and stupid and annoying and ugh

I can’t do this. I can’t do to that wedding. No. I can’t see him. Because if he smiles at me or acts like things are okay, I am going to smile back and inside I will hate myself and want to die. And if he does not acknowledge me I will feel like he doesn’t care. Except he doesn’t care. I already know this. I figured that out because everything is flipped. And that makes me want to curl into a ball and die. And the fact I feel like that about him, also makes me want to die. 

Why is it that as soon as I feel safe enough to really trust that Bea is here and will come back and won’t just get rid of me because I’m mad or have some thing disgusting awful thing to share, and so I put out these really vulnerable feelings and she just ignores them? It’s this pattern with me. It always happens. I feel a little safe, put out some big scary something and then no acknowledgement at all. Because I’m too needy and too much of a drama queen and I need too much and i just drain people until they have nothing left, because I am too much. So I should not be surprised. I kept telling Bea she would leave and get rid of me and she would quit one day because I need too much. Kay quit me. If my anyway friend, the person who was like a sister to me, quit me, then what does that say about me? And if my parents knew the real me, they would quit me for sure. Because oh my god, I’m such a freaking mess. They would hate it, I would be such a failure in their eyes. And hubby doesn’t really want to be present with me or learn to be so he can help me contain this mess that is my head, he has had two years and has done nothing. and he just wants me fixed anyway, and I screw up everything with Kat and am probably damaging her and it’s probably my fault she has autism, either the eating disorders, or the infertility drugs, or the fact I was not even connected to my body even a little bit for like the first 4 years of her life or the way I space out and am just not here, or how I yell at her as if I am just another child and it’s all unpredictable and not okay and that damages kids, people say so everyday. 

I’m so sorry I can’t be enough. I’m really, really sorry. I try and try and just can’t be even almost good enough. Hubby deserves a normal wife. One that doesn’t ask for more than he can give and who is just happy with him saying I love you and who can be touched and hugged and hold hands and kiss. He deserves normal. He got stuck with me. Kat deserves a mom who is always consistent and who behaves like a mom and not a child and who doesn’t yell and who always makes space for her feelings and who validates her and who is calm and who is present and here and not hiding and just trying to get through the day. My parents deserved a daughter who was so much better than me. I should have gone to college, done what they wanted, not flunked out the first time, been a good daughter. I should behave the way they need me too, instead of pushing them and being snarky. I’m just so sorry. 

I’m staring at a bottle of sleeping pills. I’m wondering if it’s enough. I’m afraid to die, mostly because I believe I’m going to hell. But I don’t want to be here either. This all hurts too much, I just want to disappear and go away, and I almost don’t care what the consequences for disappearing are. 

I should write that I’m okay, that I’ll always be okay that everything is okay. But really? I’m not feeling okay. I’m not feeling okay at all. I’m fact everything in my whole life feels very, very not okay. And I am so tired of being okay and being fine even when I’m not okay and nothing is fine

Alice,

I would love to really address this writing in detail–part of me would love to spend all day on it, but another part realizes that I would compromise my own needs by doing that–so I just want to address two things that felt really important.

One is that a few times recently you’ve mentioned the urge to die, as in taking pills. I haven’t been ignoring that, just so you know. I understand the level of emotional pain that goes into feeling that way. I also know that with trauma we can have parts planning our death while other parts can be planning what to make for dinner. It’s bizarre that way! But that doesn’t mean we don’t take the parts that want to die seriously. They are in extreme pain. Be sure to remember that if the urges are getting too serious you need to seek help. Either talking to someone like Reagan or Hubby, or to me of course. Also knowing that you should go to the ER if you can’t keep yourself safe. It’s important that you keep bringing up these feelings.

The other thing is the complexity of the Kenny/wedding situation. Somehow you have to suspend judgement of yourself for any thoughts/wishes/feelings you might have. Realize that all your parts are activated by this and it’s very complex. If you can tap into the observer part and just monitor yourself without judgement that would be the best possible scenario.
Make sense?

I know that fall is your tough season, or at least it has been since we’ve been working together. We’ll get through it! 

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18 thoughts on “Catch up

  1. This.shaking says:

    Feeling your pain and confusion, Alice. None of this is your fault. I want to hold you in my arms and repeat this over and over: “None of this is your fault.”
    I am glad you are sharing all this with Bea. Please do let her know when you feel like hurting yourself. Please stay safe. I will stay with you. TS

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      • This.shaking says:

        Wow! You do NOT stink, Alice. (I say things like that out in the world- I think I learned how to talk and “behave” like a “normal” person by watching others – and apologizing profusely and denigrating myself [because I tend to use big words :-)] but here, in Bloggy Friends world, you and I don’t need to do that! )
        Glad you got through all this and very glad the hugs and support helped. Cheers! TS

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  2. Sorry things are so rough Alice. And the wedding.. I am still so sorry you have to be there, with him there. And face it, in real life. That is a terrible reality and I wish it weren’t so.
    I love that you bought a pink dress. I am glad you wrote to Bea. And I will be thinking of you. And it is your birthday soon, too. I remember from last year. And the anniversary stuff in October, a lot going on for you right now. The death thoughts make a lot of sense to me, given everything going on. And it means there is a lot of unbearable pain. I like what Bea said about it, one part can be thinking death, another part planning dinner. That is exactly how I feel, and I thought I was just crazy. But maybe not. So thanks for sharing her response.

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  3. I will be so grateful for you when this wedding is finally behind you! I so hope that he gets a terrible case of the stomach flu that day and spends it worshiping the porcelain bowl instead of causing you so much stress.

    It is so freaking unfair that the abusers tend to skate along while their victims are left dealing with the damage, trying to avoid the abuser. If the abuser had a shred of decency, they would be too ashamed to show their face around their victims.

    Sending as many soothing thought of support as possible!

    Oh, and as for the death thoughts, I agree with Bea. In my experience, once I started to share those thoughts with MB and those parts had a chance to feel seen, heard, empathized with, and cared for, it became earlier to separate out “this is old response to feeling so much pain to this topic and feeling like there was no other escape” from “currently I feel shitty, but I do remember that the feelings eventually abate if I keep track of the fact that I’m not currently trapped in an abusive situation”. Just this week, I was aware of a part desperately wanting for the stresses and pain that I am dealing with to be over with. As I have learned with MB, I acknowledged the validity of that desire, but also balanced it with remembering how earlier in the day I had noticed moments of happiness. It helped me to move through those feelings rather than getting bogged down in them.

    Soon the wedding will be done and over with! And I’m glad that you bought a dress that allows you to feel like you. That is so important!

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  4. I am glad that you are able to share how you are going, even though it sounds like you are having a miserable time and I’m sorry you are in such pain.

    I’ve been talking about the whole issue of suicidal thoughts and behaviour with my therapist over the last couple of weeks and the same sort of comments came up, particularly that having those thoughts without actually wanting to die, using them as a way of feeling in control or coping is very common in trauma and it is a bit different from the suicidal thoughts associated just with depression. Having a therapist who can recognise that and keep things in perspective without over-reacting but still help maintain safety is very valuable. Bea sounds awesome.

    I can also relate to the worry that I have damaged my daughter with my early parenting and poor attachment to her. I know it is more of an issue for you because of Kat’s autism but from what I have read on your blog you are doing a brilliant job, far better than I ever managed. The fact that you have recruited all sorts of other people to help with Kat so it’s not all down to you is very positive as well.

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    • Suicidal parts/thoughts are scary– but it makes sense that they would be a way to be in control.

      I’m sorry you can relate to the worry of damaging your daughter. It’s just so hard. Thank You for saying I’ve been doing a good job and the reminder that it’s not all on me either. ๐Ÿ™‚xx

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  5. So sorry you are in so much pain, please keep reaching out. In regards to Kat, being a parent is the hardest job in the world and you sound, like an incredible mum because you are aware of so much. We are none of us human. Sending you love and light

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  6. Oh Alice, you judge yourself so harshly! I would like to tell your critical voice to let up a little bit. It’s good to be thoughtful about how we parent, but you are a very good mom to Kat. I’ve seen it again and again in your posts. You are so loving and understanding. You look for ways to help her with her autism (my son didn’t even get diagnosed until he was nine! I knew something was up, but I didn’t know about autism. Anyway, that’s another story.) Most of all, you are PROTECTIVE of Kat. How I wish we’d had someone aware and protective of us. Imagine how sweet that would have been!

    I’m sorry you are having a hard time. The wedding sounds like such stress! I love that you got a pink dress–it will work with blue and grey, but it’s also a little rebellion. It’s you showing who you are and not allowing that to be defined by someone else. That’s beautiful. Sending you love and care, xxoo.

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    • Thank you Q. I know you get the struggle of autism and how that on top of our own PTSD can be so hard.

      Thanks for loving my little acts of rebellion– I’m crediting those to the snarky teen. ๐Ÿ™‚

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