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Morning of….

It’s the morning of the wedding. I’m okay. I got through dinner last night– HE wasn’t at dinner– though there were a lot of tears over my Grandpa not being there and it not being fair and just missing him. My brother has been crying over missing Grabdpa, too. I did a silly thing and bought the hard candies Grabdpa always carried. I thought if I carried one in my purse, and my brother could have one for his pocket, and it would be like carrying a tiny memory of Grandpa with us today. But maybe that is too sad to tell my brother. 

I emailed with Bea last night, and she was there and herself. She told me on Wednesday (which I have a post almost done) I could text her this weekend, that I’m not alone and that nothing is a secret anymore, that she knows the “secret” and so I’m not alone. She said if I feel not real or if I feel trapped and little, all alone and like no one knows and no one can help, to text her and she will remind me otherwise. 

I wanted to thank everyone for you comments and how supportive and kind you all are. Words mean a lot to me, and having these things to read as I’ve felt anxious and sick and worse than that over the wedding, it’s helped and it has meant a lot. So thank you all. 

I’m off to hair and makeup soon. I’m in the land of country clubs and designer labels and perfection. Which isn’t where I usually live any longer. It’s not me. I think that just adds to the unreal feeling. But guess what I did? Not only is my dress  pink, my shoes are just regular, not designer, nothing special shoes in the regard. But they are fabulous shoes. Maybe I’ll take a picture of my feet later. Anyway. It’s just another little act of rebellion. Of me being me. It makes me smile. 🙂 

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24 thoughts on “Morning of….

  1. “I’m in the land of country clubs, designer labels, and perfection”

    Me too. You can do this – and I love your shoes. I think you’re being incredibly strong and remember all the work that got you here doesn’t end if something happens… I think you are incredible.

    Liked by 2 people

      • It is NOT easy, especially for big events (hello my impending wedding) – so I totally get how it feels to go back and forth. I wish you lots of fun dancing times in your shoes that are so totally you 🙂

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      • I so get the wedding stress and the extra stress that all this “land of perfection” adds on. I will say, I remember my wedding day and there are a few sort of stolen moments where I have very clear memories and I believe I felt almost real then– and that was when I still bought into the myth of perfection. So you will be so good at your wedding. You really will. 💟xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sirena says:

    Keep rebelling!! And remember… he can’t hurt you anymore. Try and stay in your adult self, your adult can take care of you! You are a powerful woman warrior and we are all behind you!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Alice! Sending my support too! I think in the land of not-real, your perspective and awareness of how not real it is now, could really serve you well. Almost as if approaching this wedding as watching a cheesy movie unfold – watching all of the actors playing their roles, knowing you aren’t playing a role anymore. You get to be you, they can be who they are, and both can exist. I hope you keep reaching out to Bea, and us on here. I can’t believe the day is here, and that in less than 24 hours you can breathe a little easier.

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    • I read this and laughed so hard coffee came out my nose– my family is such a cliched cheesy movie! Apparently that was not appropriate because my mother shot me that look of death she has……oooops. 😂😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You can do it!!! And remember that you don’t have to do it “perfectly” in order for you to be successful. You especially don’t have to be nice or explain your need to to leave for a bit any more than saying, “Excuse me” maybe adding something about needing to powder your nose, if that makes you feel more comfortable.

    And if you need to just turn around and walk away from that bastard, if he starts to approach you, I’ll be cheering you on.

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  5. I definitely want to see the shoes! And I think your idea about the candies is beautiful. I’m sorry your Grandpa can’t be there – he was obviously so loved.

    It blows my mind that you are brave enough to go to this wedding. I hope he stayed far far away from you.

    Like

    • Thank you for liking my idea with the candies. I shared with my aunts– my grandpa’s sisters, and I think they really liked it.

      I feel like attending the wedding is weak. Because I’m too weak to break my silence, to tell the secret. I don’t know. But thank you. Xx💟

      Like

  6. Lemonbella says:

    I love how you have literally made sure to keep your feet on YOUR ground, that’s such a wonderful self-caring thing. I bet the shoes are awesome

    Like

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