It’s the morning of the wedding. I’m okay. I got through dinner last night– HE wasn’t at dinner– though there were a lot of tears over my Grandpa not being there and it not being fair and just missing him. My brother has been crying over missing Grabdpa, too. I did a silly thing and bought the hard candies Grabdpa always carried. I thought if I carried one in my purse, and my brother could have one for his pocket, and it would be like carrying a tiny memory of Grandpa with us today. But maybe that is too sad to tell my brother.
I emailed with Bea last night, and she was there and herself. She told me on Wednesday (which I have a post almost done) I could text her this weekend, that I’m not alone and that nothing is a secret anymore, that she knows the “secret” and so I’m not alone. She said if I feel not real or if I feel trapped and little, all alone and like no one knows and no one can help, to text her and she will remind me otherwise.
I wanted to thank everyone for you comments and how supportive and kind you all are. Words mean a lot to me, and having these things to read as I’ve felt anxious and sick and worse than that over the wedding, it’s helped and it has meant a lot. So thank you all.
I’m off to hair and makeup soon. I’m in the land of country clubs and designer labels and perfection. Which isn’t where I usually live any longer. It’s not me. I think that just adds to the unreal feeling. But guess what I did? Not only is my dress pink, my shoes are just regular, not designer, nothing special shoes in the regard. But they are fabulous shoes. Maybe I’ll take a picture of my feet later. Anyway. It’s just another little act of rebellion. Of me being me. It makes me smile. 🙂