Okay. Part one left us with me needing naps because I’m not sleeping well at night. There have been a lot of nightmares since the wedding. I was dealing reasonably well during the day (although the name of the game was constant distraction), but the dreams have been haunting my nights. The hardest part for me is that these dreams haven’t been specific to one memory, they are more of the crazy, mixed up, not real stuff, variety of dreams. Those are somewhat harder for me to deal with, because there doesn’t seem to be anything to process, just this crazy nonsense and really bad feelings. Bea believes otherwise, and has suggested we talk about reoccurring dream.
Therapy has been weird. Bea is fine, she’s herself, I’m just in this weird, locked down headspace, and I’m afraid to talk and open up more. I’m super numb and not even aware of how I feel moment to moment but at the same time I’m being bombarded by nightmares and flashbacks and overwhelmed feelings. It’s hard. My crazy hurt teen part and the little girl part have been really on the lookout for signs Bea hates them or wants them gone. Maybe two weeks ago, when Bea said we should come up with a plan of what we are working on, I freaked. I thought she was mad I had been wasting time, or she was wanting a plan so she could work towards getting rid of me. It turns out, in her mind that wasn’t the case at all, she tends to have a sort of direction we are working but had wanted to make things be more collaborative— on top of which, with me being shut down Alice for the last 3 months, Bea really didn’t have a lot to go on. So I wrote her the email I posted “where I’m at, or some thinglike that”.
That email brought up a lot of stuff, from anger vs rage, to how I was feeling after the wedding because we didn’t really process that, to hubby and couples therapy (which we have had two sessions now, and I need to post about that, too!), feeling like no one gets it (old feelings that come up every fall), and this idea that my mother didn’t give me much space to exist– I was either the perfect daughter or the daughter who was ruining everything. We’ve had some conversations around those things, and emailed as well. Bea missed one Monday because she went up north for a quick trip, and one session was spent on my birthday. So we haven’t had a lot of time to really talk or process much of anything. I’m feeling really disconnected from therapy right now, but I see her tomorrow so that will be good.
As for my birthday, I went back to my parents’ house to celebrate. It’s the first time I’ve been back since the last time I celebrated with my Grandpa. That last birthday was 3 years ago. it was hard, being back. Hubby knew it would be hard, and had insisted my parents keep things low key, and just them and me, hubby and Kat. It was nice, but sad. I miss the days I loved my birthday, the days where I believed everyone should celebrate for a week and have cake for breakfast everyday. I miss the days where my birthday was a party, and an event— not because I was having a huge party, but because it was a fun day, a fun week. My grandpa always said I was his birthday present, and the best present he could have been given. I think my birthday was always so full of good feelings because I believed him when he would say that, and I. That moment, for that day, I could feel that about myself– I was important and mattered enough to be the best present. Now…..I just feel sad and lonely on my birthday. I’m lonely because Grandpa is gone. I cried on the weekend, and I told my family it was hard to be back in October and that I missed grandpa, and was sad. I didn’t hide my tears or fake happiness. So that was good. And hubby was supportive and more present than he typically has been, so that was good, too.
Too be continued……