So, my last update was that I was sick and dealing with this nasty ear infection. I ended up back at the doctor on Thursday, and she sent me to the ER. So, hubby and Kat and I went to the ER, where they wanted to admit me and give me IV antibiotics. I had a panic attack over the idea of staying in the hospital, so the ER Doctor decided to have the ENT look at the ear infection. They walked us up– over?? I’m not sure, that hospitals is huge!– to the ENT, and I got the nicest Doctor. She told me to call her Tara, and she was really gentle and kind. She ended up cleaning out my ear (which hurt and made me nauseated), putting this wick in it to keep the canal open so it could drain, and then we talked about what to do. She was understanding of my not wanting to stay overnight in the hospital. She gave me the choice, and I chose to go home, so she gave me a stronger oral antibiotic, some antibiotic ear drops, pain meds, and told me if it was worse on Friday, I had to come right back in to see her. We made an appointment for Tuesday, because she wanted to keep a close eye on the infection. The ear is slowly getting better. It’s still tender, but no longer sore. I’m on my fourth– and hopefully last!– round of antibiotics now. It’s still a bit swollen, and I’ve lost some hearing for the moment, but Tara said she believes when the ear fully heals, my hearing will come back. I hope so.
Aside from that, I have been in a really rough place. The little girl had something she was desperate to let out, and Ms. Perfect was determined to keep it in. It’s been a rough few weeks. The little girl has let this let this truth out before, but each time some part of me shuts it down and buries it away, so I don’t have to deal with it. This time…..it was different. It’s as if the little girl had this truth she needed to tell, and Ms. Perfect couldn’t allow it out, and I was stuck somewhere in the middle, hurt and scared and alone because Ms. Perfect wouldn’t allow words to come out, and the little girl was bombarding me with feelings and thoughts and images and it was this awful, chaotic, internal mess. Everything felt very raw and vulnerable and scared and hurt for a long time.
On Wednesday, the little girl let out the secret, she told this painful truth —to Bea —that needed telling. And everything, everything is scary and sad and not okay feeling. I don’t want any of this. I’m not sure which way is up right now. I am lost. But, Bea has been here, really really been here. For the first time, I actually believe that I have an effect on her, that I matter and that she cares, in a human to human way, not just in a *this is my job* way. It’s not really that I’ve emailed or talked to her everyday this week, it’s more that the way she has responded. She really understood and articulated some things to me this week that let me know she got it on this deep level. She hasn’t hidden emotion from me, and she’s been very, very transparent, but still solid and safe. She hasn’t been annoyed at my needing her, she isn’t behaving as if it’s a burden or something I shouldn’t need (not that she ever has)……it’s almost like because I have been so honest with her about just how hard it is to reach out, how huge those fears of rejection and abandonment are, she has been preempting me this week, by offering email or a phone call (those things are always on the table, she does not restrict out of session contact, but I’ve had a hard time emailing and reaching out for a while now), by making sure I know it’s okay, and that she won’t be upset and that she will respond/answer/call me back. So, I have emailed, and Thursday night I called her, and today we had a conversation via text message. I’ve had some form of contact with her everyday this week, and I’m trying to let that be okay. I’m so destabilized right now, the ground beneath my feet doesn’t feel solid.
I have still been writing, I just haven’t posted. I think I might be ready to post my posts from November. I’m feeling really vulnerable and afraid, and unsure of myself. So we’ll see.
I also wanted to say, I read all the comments on my last post, when they were written and they meant so much to me. Being sick and feeling so trapped and lost in flashbacks was really hard. You guys helped so much. Thank you.