Everything is fine and I am numb and gone, gone, gone 

I’m unsure as to what happened today. Bea said or did something and she triggered the perfect part to take over. Ms. Perfect has written an email for Bea. It’s taking everything in me not to send it and quit. I’m posting the email below, hoping that maybe someone can help me know what to do. I’m numb and experiencing some depersonalization and derealization but all the emotion of the last month finally sent me to that in a bubble place. 

Dear Bea, 
I’m fine now. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, and I have it all under control. I need to make a plan, set a schedule, but everything is very much okay. You don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t be so needy anymore, I don’t need you now. I realize that last week was a lot; I was really needy and it had to be very obnoxious. I’m sorry about that. I won’t bother you again. I realize it was wrong of me to put you in a position of having to be the sole support. It is not fair to put that all on you. I understand where you are coming from, wanting me to tell others and get support from them. It is out of the question to tell anyone in my family, or to tell my husband. The family won’t believe me, and the one person who might, it is not fair to put them in that position. It is not a choice I am making, it is simply a fact, the way things are. I didn’t set up the rules or how they work, but I do follow them. One of the rules is that no one talks about serious things, emotions, or deep things. I don’t need or want them to know, anyway. I’m fine on my own. I do not need a support system, because I am not a victim and there is nothing wrong. I’m done digging around the past. It’s all locked back up, and I’m okay again. 

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17 thoughts on “Everything is fine and I am numb and gone, gone, gone 

  1. I think it’s important to honour all parts of ourselves, because they are all trying to help. Maybe Ms Perfect is trying to communicate that things have become too much, and it’s time to back off for a while? Even pretend things are fine for a bit, when they aren’t? Because some parts of things are OK, even if everything isn’t.

    I think it’s fine to back off for rest periods to recoup. You don’t need to quit therapy or completely believe the denial in order to just take things more gently…

    I totally get your reluctance to be more open with your family. My family is like this also – they never discuss anything real. Not even going to past traumas – they don’t discuss any problems ever. So my T also thinks I should be more open with them, but I don’t see the benefit to me. They just deny and make me feel worse.

    Hope this helps. Hope the derealization stuff dissipates soon.

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    • Maybe it is time for a break. I only know I don’t want the bubble popped right now. I’d like to stay numb. Some parts of things are okay, that is true.

      I feel like quitting…..maybe because being so needy last week and the first thing she suggests this week is telling the secret so I have more support, it is setting off alarm bells. And I MUST leave her before she leaves me.

      I thought you might get the family stuff. I wonder if it is hard for therapist to understand that level of fake/staying on the surface that some families maintain at all costs. I think it’s hard because it’s obvious they love me, it’s not that they are not there on purpose, they are just doing the best they are capable of. I don’t know. I’m sorry you get this, but it is very validating to me to know I’m not the only one this happens to. 💟

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What about sending the email, telling Bea who it is from but instead of quitting maybe asking her what the options are now. Taking a break from digging deeply into the past could be an option. Sounds like Ms. Perfect does want to be heard. Maybe she could meet with Bea?

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  3. I don’t see that she thinks you ought to talk about the traumas you suffered because she feels you are too much for her, but to gain assistance from someone else besides her for your benefit.

    The attacks you suffered were as traumatic as a truck rolling over you and everyone would know and help. The man who injured you would just love for you to continue to keep all that trauma enclosed within yourself, but Bea doesn’t want you to, nor do I.
    You were alone then feeling as if there was no one to tell because the attacker made you feel that way. You are not alone now. You have Bea. I understand the risk of reaching out to another. So I won’t pressure you to, but is there one person you would want comfort and help from? That would be a start. I remember telling my friend Mary, just blurting out the very worst, even the part when Chet gave me crabs. I was like a pressure cooker. Her clear blue eyes and love for me never wavered.

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  4. Hi Alice, this sounds really hard. I’m sending my support. I think that you’ll know when/if it feels safe to reach out. And popping a bubble for the sake of doing it, isn’t wise when you’re feeling a need to protect yourself. The defense mechanisms developed and are maintained for good reason. I trust your wisdom.

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    • Thanks Rachel. Hearing that I can be trusted even if it’s that I don’t want the bubble popped right now. I know last time Bea popped the bubble it was after weeks and weeks and those negative coping skills were getting out of control. So I get why she did it. But I don’t want her to do it again. 🙁

      Liked by 1 person

      • I get why she would do that, and maybe she will again if she thinks it is needed. But I trust you, and I do want her to find a way to help YOU pop the bubble yourself, so it feels safer and like you have a sense of agency about it.

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  5. Hi, Ms Perfect. I think I know kind of how you feel – I would never ever tell my family personal things either, and if my therapist suggested it I would want to back away from her too.

    I think you’re really smart and strong and capable. You’ve helped keep everything going no matter how bad things get for Alice. And I know you’re smart enough to know that Bea will know everything isn’t suddenly okay. Do you think it would be okay to just tell her that you want to stay in the bubble for now? It’s okay to not want to be vulnerable with her right now.

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    • Hi Rea. I’m sorry you can’t talk to your family either. It is hard, isn’t it?

      Thank you for calling me capable. I do manage to keep things going, no matter what. I do know Bea will probably realize that things aren’t suddenly okay. Or I thought she would. But I don’t think she did. I went to session on Wednesday, told her things were fine, and she said that things seemed better, like I was in a healthier place. So maybe I can still fool her. I’m very good at pretending and being okay and fooling everyone.

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