Crying in my car 

I’m having a bit of a meltdown right now and could use…. I don’t know. Support? I think Bea is annoyed/mad/something not good with me. Ms. Perfect has been running the ship, and the little girl  has been having meltdowns at night, but mostly everything has been locked up tight— no feelings, no thinking about me/my stuff, no internal goings on. Just outward focus on perfection and being “fine.” And quite honestly, I think Bea believes it. She seems to think the black hole of pain and horror I fell into a few weeks ago is just…..gone. Today she was talking about doing a sensorimotor psychotherapy (SP) exercise— one that focused on a positive memory. It was to be a way to build resources AND allow me to experience an SP session (I have been against SP forever. I hate it; it scares me and Bea feels shrinky when she tries to be SP) without needing a trauma memory. I dissociated to sort of far away as she talked about this and Ms. Perfect refused to talk. She only wanted to get up and quit or run away. I refused to quit. It was a mess. And Bea was frustrated that I wouldn’t talk. She ended with telling me that maybe if I had ideas of how to move forward in therapy, or if I just want to work in the way we always have with the whole memory, I could email her or bring a list to session on Monday. She said it’s like with a little kid– you cook the food and offer it, but can’t make them eat; it’s the same with me– she is offering ideas/ options, but she can’t make me do any of them. 

I left her office in my “I’m fine– here but not here” state. Which used to be normal for me, so it’s okay. But then I went to get gas, and parked on the wrong side. Then I went through the coffee drive through and missed the ordering speaker, tried to back up and almost hit someone. II’m too out of it, I can’t do anything right, I can’t even order coffee right. So then i burst into tears, drove to the nearest park and am having a melt down. I tried to tell Bea that it’s not all okay. But all I could do was tell her i’m fine, and when she said it doesn’t have to be, I said that it does have to be fine, it always has to be fine and as long as no thinking and no feeling, it’s fine. 
But I’m not fine. I’m not. Trigger warning 

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everytime feelings bubble up, or thoughts come, I’ve stuffed my face and thrown up, or cut. I’m not fine. I’m only functioning because Ms. Perfect has been in charge and she will do whatever it takes to be okay. 
I’m scared guys. I’m scared I can’t do this. I’m scared I can’t get it under control. I’m scared because I’m more not okay than I’ve been in a long time, and I’m alone. My best friend stopped being my friend a year ago. My other best friend, well, we don’t talk about that stuff. Hubby quit couples therapy, so there is no hope in becoming close enough to share the tough stuff with him. And Bea was fooled by Ms. Perfect and is annoyed/frustrated/mad at me for being “stuck” for talking about nothing, for refusing to do any work. I’m all alone. 

 

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13 thoughts on “Crying in my car 

  1. Well, sending support Alice. Sorry you are in such a rough spot. Not sure if it helps, but you are not alone as I too feel in a bit of a crisis about therapy as well as my own issues. Could we switch Ts? My T never tries any emotion regulation or any new techniques. You would have no issues with him in that regard. And for my part, I’d like it if he cared enough to take more training or learn some new methods, though I can see for you this is very awful. So can we switch?

    I wonder if you can discuss the fact that you are Ms Perfect with Bea as it’s happening. I suspect you need better ways to move from one state to another. I do anyway. Ms Perfect has served you well in some ways, because it is a good thing for our lives to work. I don’t think she is the enemy, just that she’s popping up in the wrong situations.

    And lastly, it sounds a bit contradictory that Bea both doesn’t notice that you are stuck in Ms Perfect, and that she is frustrated with you for not speaking and working hard in therapy. Hm…. Can you take her up on her offer to go back to her old way of working? You could always change your mind later.

    Thinking of you.

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    • Thanks Ellen. We can switch T’s anytime. 🙂 I do wish your T would give you more of the stuff you want, and I know I would be sad if Bea didn’t do those things all the time.

      Maybe. Maybe I can email Bea and tell her it’s been Ms. Perfect coming to therapy and that I’m at a loss of how to do anything.

      You are right, it is contradictory. I think I mean that Bea is frustrated because she thinks that I’m okay, and then refusing to move forward. Idk. I feel like I’m being very difficult and this is the first time a grown up part of me– not the little girl– felt like Bea was frustrated. I suspect that means she truly might be feeling frustrated and it’s not just in my head.

      I could take her up on her offer to go back to the old way, except it felt like she threw that out there as a “Hail Mary” to get me to respond to anything she was saying, not that she really wants to go back to that way.
      💟

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      • I think if you were not talking at all in your session, it stands to reason she might be a bit frustrated. But I think she’s a professional, and she would let go of that feeling very quickly. Maybe she would be very curious as to what was really going on for you. The thing that strikes me here is the mind reading aspects – because this is what I do also. I have found on checking things out that things are not really exactly as I’d imagined. So I’d say can you ask Bea first, if she really was frustrated, and second, how she feels about her offer to go back to the old way? Maybe voice your fears about what she is feeling?
        Right now, I would seriously trade in Ron for Bea. I do know the terror and the frustration. Hope you did make it out of your car and no longer need to be crying as hard.

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  2. Oh Alice, this sounds so incredibly painful and difficult. I hear the deep fears around Bea and the therapy, and changes, and just not knowing if she is really there or ever was there. Also hearing how out of control things feel, your behavior and emotions, and not having any support in place or people you can really tell how truly awful and scary things feel right now.
    I hear you, and I care so much for your pain and fear right now. Sending all the support and love I can. xx

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  3. Hi Alice. What you said about little kids and food – “you cook the food and offer it, but can’t make them eat; it’s the same with me – she is offering ideas/ options, but she can’t make me do any of them.” – reminds me of my last session where I felt completely overwhelmed and unable to make an adult decision, and I wanted someone else to take over and choose, but I would still only have been happy if if was the *right* choice, the one I wanted underneath it all. It made me think also of what do you do when children are like that with food? Forcing them to eat doesn’t work, letting them go hungry doesn’t work, and neither does pushing them to make a suggestion as to what to eat, if they are so upset/ overwhelmed that they are incapable of knowing what they want. About the only thing that does work is just sitting with the child and kind of being ok with that, or maybe eating a bite or two yourself to show that the food you’ve offered really isn’t that bad. I don’t think it’s likely that Bea is genuinely mad at you or even frustrated in a big way – she seems way too grounded for that – but perhaps she is unaware of what is going on for you and needs more information. I hope you can describe for her what is happening so she can help. Thinking of you xx.

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  4. What Bea said, about offering the food but not being able to make you eat it – that would have felt very abandoning to me. Like “Oh well, I’ve done everything I can, you do what you want”. I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way at all, but I really feel how hurtful that could/would have been. Because you need her there with you, especially right now.

    You don’t have to hold all of the scared by yourself. It’s too big right now. Can you tell Bea what’s happening so she can help you carry it? And keep talking to us about it?

    Thank you for giving us the opportunity to support you.

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  5. Sirena says:

    Here supporting you. New things scare me and I hate when they push new stuff on us! It sounds like you just need things to stay the same for a little while? I don’t think Bea is fooled by the miss perfect act for one minute. If anything her frustration is not being able to reach you, to get behind the “everything is fine”. She’s there for you, waiting until you feel ready. This will pass.

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  6. I wanted to stop by and say I care – and I hear how upsetting this is for you. One thing that helps me not feel so alone is emailing with people. If you ever want to, my door is open. ❤️

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