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Connection 

I really liked Andi’s idea of putting special words spoken or written by her therapist on the lock screen of her phone to maintain a connection and remember the words. So, I copied her idea. It might be odd, but it’s given me a lot of comfort to read her words throughout my day. It’s made me feel less alone. It’s uncomfortable to admit to needing Bea, to using her words like a security blanket. But there it is. I’m trying something new- no more hiding me. 

I’m also very afraid I’m going to forget, decide to pretend away all of this, and I’ll forget that I didn’t have any control, that I didn’t do this, that he was wrong. So Bea’s words have meant so much to me these past few  days. 

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12 thoughts on “Connection 

  1. Just checking to see how you are doing 🙂 I know I have been terrible at blogging but you are one of the first I like to check on. Sounds like you and Bea have been doing some intense work. The blanket and cellphone message are really great ideas. Take care x

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  2. It’s very wise to take the key message from an intense therapy session and keep it in front of you like that. I hope it brings you comfort. Maybe you can even imagine her saying that in her voice?

    And three cheers for No More Hiding Me.

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      • Isn’t it hard? I hadn’t even realized until very recently that I was still minimizing things to E. Partly to spare her, I think, and partly because whenever she did see through my facade and commented on how bad it truly was, I felt so cared for. I think I want deep care and concern without having to ask for it. Showing myself and identifying my needs is an acknowledgement that I’m not going to get that kind of care. Also, of course, it was not safe and allowable to show my true feelings, and there is always the fear that E will be repulsed, even though she hasn’t run away so far. I don’t know if this is how you experience it, but I certainly know about the fear. I think you are so brave.

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      • It is hard! Showing true feelings, especially when i believes they go against what Bea wants or thinks is really hard. So far it’s been okay, Bea hasn’t gotten upset, but I suppose I’m still uncertain about trusting that. I also think care and concern make me uncomfortable– because the narrative in my head says that needing or causing those things to happen means I am being *too much*, *needy* and not being a *good girl*. 💟

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