I’m only going to see Bea once this week. I’m going on vacation, and I am going to be gone the whole week, so I wasn’t able to schedule vacation around therapy appointments this time. It’s honestly okay, though. I mean, I have that little sense of missing Bea, and wishing I had therapy a second time this week, but I also know that Bea is just an email, a text, a phone call away. She isn’t gone, and either am I. I told her I might send an email on Wednesday morning “just because” even if everything was fine, and she told me I could absolutely do that.
It’s weird, but I think I might actually be living my life. Or starting to. I haven’t had time to be online, or to watch my favorite TV shows (which is good because TV is a time suck I don’t need!). I have been busy, but it’s not the rushed, frantic, perfection seeking busy-ness of my past. It’s this life happens, things flow from one moment to the next, sort of busy. I feel grounded as a grown up, in this present moment, and I’m okay with being a little messy and not having all the answers, with just being me and being transparent and honest about who I am. I’m not hiding. I feel like I am finally— Finally!!!– starting to build a life and actually LIVE in it.
Kat is at school full days Monday and Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Wednesday is occupational therapy and regular therapy for her so school is a 3 hour day that day, and we get to spend the day together. The other days? I’ve been planning Girl Scout activities, meeting with the other PTSO board members (how cool is it that I am a board member?!?! I’m the secretary.) and gearing up for Valentine’s Day parties, and then March is reading month. The other day, I walked around downtown and visited local businesses, asking for donations that could be used as prizes for the students for reading (ME! I did that! I asked people I didn’t know, for something and I had nothing but my sincere thank you to give in return). A lot of people said yes, too. So that was pretty cool.
I’ve also been going to the pool when Kat is in school. I’ve made three new friends, one who has a 13 year old daughter on the spectrum (which is great for me! I could sooooo use a mentor in the mommy department at times), one who is a guy (so rare for me to feel comfortable enough to talk to men in the pool, let alone consider them a friend and make plans to meet for swim re following week), and one who I just clicked with– and we exchanged numbers and made plans to go out to lunch when I get back from my vacation. I feel like a huge loser, but I don’t have friends. I mean, I had my best friend who can’t be my best friend again, and I have my other *close* friend (not someone I share a lot with, more than most, and our communication tends to be inconsistent), but aside from that I have friends who are acquaintances, always kept at arm’s length, very surface level, no matter how much they let me into their lives. So, now I am making new friends, and I have a chance to change that, but……I’m not sure I know how. I realize this would be a great thing to take to therapy, but I won’t do it. I’m not sure I want to dig into relationships right now (there are other important things to work on in therapy).
I’ve been trying to do a few minutes of yoga in the mornings, and then at night, Kat and I have our bedtime tea, do our yoga and mediate. I also try to journal every night, which is something I want to add to Kat’s routine. This routine, always yoga, is so helpful to me.
I’ve been eating good, too. Well, good for me. I’ve been doing breakfast, lunch and dinner. That’s sort of a big deal. I don’t usually eat more than one meal a day unless I’m planning on purging. And I’ve made sure that I’m getting protein with my meals, which is also unusual.
Things have just been going really good. I’ve been using downtime to read (or listen to audio book while I clean) or journal, or just be in silence for a few minutes. I’ve been able to keep any yuck that Bea and I are working through contained in a suitcase, one that I can set down in my regular life, knowing it is there, sometimes feeling its’ presence, but knowing it can stay packed away because I will unpack it in Bea’s office. Sometimes the contents leak out at night, but during the day, I feel as if I am able to put it away, but it’s not the *put it away, bury it deep, work very hard to forget it exists*, put away. It’s just the going on with real life, put away. You guys, it feels sort of amazing and kind of wonderful. Am I afraid it won’t last? Sure. But this is a new feeling for me, and I like it. I like feeling this way. I wonder if this is what regular people without trauma mostly feel like in their lives?
I’m just trying to live in the moment right now and enjoy where I am in my life. And this week, that means an indoor water park hotel! Hubby had to travel for work, and the week long conference he is attending is being hosted here, the conference organizers put up the attendees and family members (who were invited!!) in family suites for the week. We have a friend’s step daughter dog and house sitting. All is (mostly) right with my world.
Now, for a political note…….
I’ve not been silent! My daughter and I wrote letters to our senators, thanking them for their service, and asking them to remember that all people deserve to be treated equally. Kat even chose to write to Trump. Her letter said: Dear President Trump, please be kind to all people. It is important to remember people might look different but we are the same. Si si nisawa (Google the lion guard and si si nisawa if you don’t have a young child at home!) means we are the same. I am autistic and my brain works different than yours, but at the end of the day, we are the same. I don’t like when you behave like a bully, but I hope you do good things and make good choices for all people.
That’s my daughter, guys!! I mean, how amazing is she? And she is only 6. This kid. She will change the world one day, in more ways than she already has.
I’m planning on calling anyone in Washington who is on the senate HELP committee to implore them to vote no on Betsy Devos, in order to protect the rights of children like my daughter. According to the news this morning, there won’t be a vote for 24 more hours– so Wednesday morning. *Sigh* How did this happen? How did things in this country end up so backwards? I try not to focus on the horrible scary things happening right here, but on the things I can do– like making phone calls. If you want to call, too, Jess, over at Diary of a Mom has phone numbers and a script written out. She’s also just a really good writer. Before I ever started blogging, before I ever even thought about it, I was reading her blog. So check it out. 🙂
11 thoughts on “Living Life ”
Alice I loved reading this post. You really are living your life. I love the suitcase metaphor and I’m going to borrow it. You and Kat’s mindfulness and yoga practice is inspiring to me! I’m glad you are feeling calm and organized and not in the scheduled way. It was so lovely to read. Xx
I’m glad the suitcase metaphor is helpful to you. Things really do feel different these days. Xx
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I LOVED reading this. I know the feeling of where you are in your journey and am so happy you’ve reached it. I know it can be difficult to trust, however, do. It is real and yes, there will be bad days, not so happy days etc…that is normal. The difference now is, we are more present and mindful of our actions, thoughts and feelings and now have resources to help lean into all of it and know we will get through it. You deserve this life and always have. 3years ago you could never have imagined you’d be where you are now and feel what you’re feeling. From what I’m told, it still gets better!
I also love the political you!
Onward to the life you so richly deserve!
It is hard to believe this newfound…not peace, really, because there are still sad feelings and bad dreams and anger and things get messy, but I just have this settled feeling…..and it is hard to believe it is real. You are so right that 3 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to imagine this life. I wouldn’t have even understood what could be. 💖
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You really are living your life. Amazing to read. Remember that ups and downs are still possible and that doesn’t take away the greatness that is right now and that will be again x
Thank you. I like the idea that ups and downs don’t take away from the greatness that is right now. That is so, so true, and something for me to remember. 💟
I am so happy for you!!!
This is so lovely to hear. I am glad you’re getting a bit of a break from all the trauma stuff. It sounds like something has really shifted for you? x
Thanks Sirena. I think something has shifted. What, exactly, I’m not sure…I’m still trying to figure that out. But the break has been good. 💜
I’m behind on posts, so I just read this today. And it made me so happy for you! You deserve this kind of life, full of rich interactions but not hectic, with room for reading, thinking, and just being. It sounds like you have found a balance that is working for you, something that is rare and precious. I’m so glad.