Vacation before and after  

The session before Bea went on vacation was painful. I really don’t remember anything about it, other than Bea noticing right away that I wasn’t present at all, and my telling her (as I hid under my blanket) that it hurt too much to be present right now. She had said the session before that I could take something from her office to use as a transitional object, and I had sort of laughed it off. That last session though, she asked if I wanted to take some thing, and I nodded yes. The little girl really wanted a stuffed animal or something, something comforting so I could feel like Bea was there. The grown up part of me couldn’t even go there. Eventually, Bea and I settled on me taking her favorite pen, the one she keeps in her purse to always have with her. 

While she was gone, I kept a notebook and used her pen to write in it. I wrote a lot about attachment stuff, and tried very hard to make sense of and understand the attachment issues I had been experiencing. I also spent a lot of time filling the pages crying about her leaving, and my fears she wouldn’t come back or my worries that she was not going to be herself when she came back. I wrote that I hated her for making me trust her and then leaving me. It was a very long 8 days. The beginning was harder, it hurt more, but as the week went on, I could feel myself distancing from Bea and not really caring if she came back or not. I shut down those deeper places in myself, and stayed a bit more on the surface. That was almost a welcome relief. Of course, when Thursday rolled around, I was anxious all over again. 

Thursday’s session felt like a bit of a waste. I gave Bea the notebook I had kept while she was away. I saw that she was back. I didn’t feel like we connected, though. I felt very off, and was almost sad that I hadn’t cancelled. Sometimes it feels better to not reach out or show up at all, then to show up and not feel connected to. It felt a lot like Bea and I were in the same book, but on separate pages. I just didn’t feel that emotional connection. She was there, though, and she did show up, and when I was lost and had no words, she talked and I listened. It was really surface feeling, although we did talk a bit about relationships and attachment. I cant fully remember the session to be honest; I was pretty disconnected and fuzzy feeling. It was one definitely a *finding our rhythm after a break* type of session. 
Bea didn’t get a chance to go through and read my notebook, so she took it home to read. 

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14 thoughts on “Vacation before and after  

    • Yes, it’s like this very numb, slow burning anger that is more protective than anything. And it’s hard to push through that! I’m sorry this resonates with you, but thank you for sharing so I’m not so alone. Xx

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    • 💖 these are really the worst sessions. I know Bea needs breaks and vacation just like everyone in the world but I hate it. The little girl is always wanting to scream “Why can’t you just never leave me ever? Or take me with you. It’s not fair! You don’t get to go!” Of course, I don’t say that…..🙃xx

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      • Sirena says:

        See, I lose all my dignity now, and just saythose things lol. I sent Sienna a picture yesterday from the kiera which said “why can’t I come with you?”. #weirdo #awkward

        Liked by 1 person

      • #amazing #brave #admiral
        I wish I could be brave enough to say those things to Bea. Maybe one day. And until I am brave enough, at least I have my bloggy friends like you that keep me from feeling alone with these feelings. Xx

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  1. In reality one seeks a professional to work on issues but what happens is they become a parent replacement, at least Raymond did for me; and I think in the best therapeutic relationships this happens. His leaving kicked up huge abandonment issues.I completely froze on the last meeting before he moved out of the state and stayed frozen a long while after that. It will be OK and you’ll get back to the work.

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    • Yes, that’s it exactly, as much as I hate to admit it— Bea is a parental figure, a secure base……she’s not “Mom” exactly, although I do model a lot of my parenting off the ways Bea responds to me. She responds in ways I wish my mother would have responded to me. Anyway ……..I hate that Raymond moved and that it was so painful and brings up so much for you. I’m sending hugs, ok? Thank you for being brave enough to share that you believe in the best therapeutic relationships therapists become a secure base, a parent replacement. For me, that’s certainly true. Xx

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