The little girl 

On Wednesday, we talk for a few minutes about the little girl. She has been feeling so sad and so disconnected from Bea. I tell Bea that I’m not even sure what to do with her, because she is sad and lonely, but I don’t really want to deal with her. I wrote to Bea in my notebook:

It feels like the healthier I get, the farther away the little girl goes. It’s as if I’ve shipped her off to boarding school or something so I don’t have to deal with her. But we. It’s know that never works, so I want to talk about this far away feeling she has. It’s almost like she can’t find a way to come back and be here, and she hates feeling so far away fro you.”   

Bea reads and I cover my face. “We have been dealing with very grown up things,” she says. “We haven’t spoken directly to the little girl since I came back. And that can’t feel good. She isn’t forgotten, and she isn’t unwanted. She just needs to be patient sometimes. But I am always here for her. And I am really back.” 

I nod my head because words are hard to access right now. 

Bea continued reading. The little girl had written that things felt bad with Bea and she really needed to fix things, and that she knew how to fix it. She wrote that if she shared a memory with her grandparents that could be used for the SP exercise, then maybe Bea wouldn’t be upset and they would be on the same side again. 

“Are there parts that want to share this memory and test out an SP session?” She asked me. 

I’m quiet for a long time, feeling ashamed of my neediness and my wrongness. “Well…… it’s…..no…..but the little girl, she wants to fix things. Remember, it was me saying no to you over this exercise that set off the reaction and all of that. So she just wants to share the memory, do the exercise and have things be okay again.” 

“Then no,” Bea said adamantly. “There isn’t anything to fix. I am not mad with the little girl. Or with anyone else. It is okay. We aren’t doing something parts don’t want to do.” 

“Okay.” I whispered. 

Then we talked about SP a little bit, and because I was in a grown up detached headspace, I was able to talk to Bea about it, I even asked some questions. Bea shared that she liked the way SP works with boundaries, and she thought it might be helpful for me. 

She brought her SP book in on Wednesday afternoon and while Kat was in session, I flipped through it and took pictures of worksheets and parts of the book that may be relevant to me. She suggested that me reading and doing worksheets on my own, and then sharing what felt safe might be less triggering. 

{if anyone wants copies of the pictures I took of the SP stuff, let me know. I’m happy to share.}

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8 thoughts on “The little girl 

  1. Sirena says:

    Hi, I’d be interested in seeing the SE stuff. 🙂
    I think being in an adult space is sometimes a good rest but it’s hard to get a balance, how to stay in the safer adult place AND get those child needs met?? Seems impossible.

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  2. Does the little girl ever get time to be with your counselor? Sounds like she’s missing her. (I would enjoy seeing the worksheets also) I don’t have a true grasp on what your counselor is talking about.

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  3. Those wounded little girls, they need a lot don’t they? And they deserve a lot of love and attention and care after everything they have been through. I’m sending love to you and to your little girl.

    I’d also be interested in seeing the worksheets. It’s interesting and helpful to know what tools are out there.

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    • You aren’t a nuisance. Thank you for caring. I’m okay-ish. I’ve been avoiding thinking and feeling a lot, but I’m working on being more present in my life again and allowing feelings to be here. Part of that is writing– which I haven’t been doing but plan on getting back to. Xx Alice

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