I wake just before 3am. I’m covered in sweat, my heart is pounding, I can’t breathe and I’m trapped. I can’t seem to move my legs, or sit up in bed, something is pulling at my legs, twisting around and I can’t escape. My body feels as if every nerve is over exposed, and my emotions are raw and seem to be draining out of me, making my feelings apparent to anyone who enters my breathing space. Eventually I realize I can move, that it’s just my sheets, tangled from all the tossing and turning I’ve done. Even after I realize that, I’m too agitated to stay in bed. I get up, but can’t focus on anything. I can’t think to clean, or pack my bag and lunch for the day, I can’t think to organize more summer school work or activities for Kat.
I can’t seem to go far away to defend myself and everything I’m feeling is too much. Bea would say that I had swung from hypoaroused to hyperaroused. In the past, when I got like this, my answer was also self-injurious behaviors. Instead of going right to cutting, I grab my phone and headphones and pull up an audio book. I put Hagrid’s leash on him and go for a walk.
I have to keep pausing and rewinding my book, so I finally just stop playing it and enjoy my neighborhood in the early morning. Lots of people in this neighborhood and the one next to mine are into gardening, so there are lots of gorgeous flowers to look at. Several people have morning glories planted and they are beautiful. One road runs alongside the canal, and I watch swans swim back and forth. Another road runs along side the lake and I enjoy being near the water. It’s blue and sparkling in the early morning sun. After my walk, I stop and the beach and sit on a swing at the playground and meditate as I watch the waves.