Some things I can’t talk about……..

Trigger warning for talk about sex….

Sex is such a confusing thing to me. And shameful. So very shameful. Logically, I know it’s just a biological drive, nothing shameful there. But emotionally? That’s a different story. I don’t understand why I seek out this thing that terrifies me, disgusts me and hurts me. I don’t understand how I can want to be touched like that. I hate that I feel like half a wife because I don’t typically have sex with my husband. I hate that I am sickened and confused and embarrassed. 

The day we get back from camping passes by in blur. I know I felt bad, overwhelmed. That night, I crawled into bed and snuggled up to hubby. There wasn’t a grown up on board at that moment. Maybe the little girl, maybe a teen part, was running the show. It’s like I could see it happening, but not stop it. At first it was just cuddling, and nuzzling, but then she sat up, and straddled her legs on either side of hubby. She started it. I started it. Kissing, and touching, and she was fine with all of it, until hubby turned his focus more on her, and touching between her legs. One moment, he was hubby and things felt good and she wanted it, and this next moment, it wasn’t hubby anymore, and something bad was going to happen, and I couldn’t handle it. The touching felt nice but like it was too much, too intense and I wanted to squirm my body away, but I couldn’t. And I knew, I just knew, he was going to hurt me after this, because it would be his turn to feel good, and it was going to make me hurt. I started to cry, and scream at him to please don’t hurt me. After that, I don’t know. Hubby stopped, right away, and I hid under my blanky, crying all night. He sat up with me, but I couldn’t talk.  

And now, hubby hasn’t touched me, even to hug me, or hold my hand, or kiss me good morning. I say I hate being touched, but now I feel like he saw exactly how disgusting I am, and he can’t even stand to hug me. I don’t want to be his broken, sick wife. 

I feel like there is more I should say about this. But every time I catch some of the words I want to use, others escape. 

(Also, I’m way super embarrassed about this post, but I honestly can not sit alone with this stuff anymore right now. I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I hate this aspect of myself. Does anyone understand? Am I the only one? How do I cope with this? I’m so lost.)

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20 thoughts on “Some things I can’t talk about……..

  1. Alice-
    Over the past 3.5 yrs this issue has come up more than once. I wish it were a one time fixes all kinda thing, however it isn’t. I have EXACTLY what you are feeling now and had the same worries about my husband – feeling as though I freak him out and he’ll have had enough. I told my therapist about it and she told me it was very common among survivors and it takes time to own our sexuality in a healthy way. She also recommended “A Ghost in the Bedroom” for my husband to read. It’s a book that speaks to spouses of (incest) survivors. It helped him understand the shifting tides. Maybe read it for yourself first and see if you think it will help you to help him~which, ultimately, helps you!

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    • I wanted to make sure I conveyed – You are not the only one. It is so very common and I completely understand and know how you feel. Bea will understand too and will help you normalize it which will lessen the shame, guilt et al. Give her both these posts to read. I know it’s not easy to do, however, remember you’ve already survived the worst. You will feel so much better sharing this with her. I promise.

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      • Thank you for both of your comments. It is really hard feeling like I scared and disgusted hubby. And I feel so guilty for ruining, well you know. We don’t talk about my past. He can be so kind and open and supportive one day and then not be present at all the next day, and I can’t really talk to him because of that inconsistency. But in a way, reacting like that, him seeing me like that, it’s like he not only knows about my past, he SAW it. I don’t know. I’ll look for that book. I just don’t know if I can tell Bea. She’s gone again until Thursday anyway.

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  2. I wanted to make sure I conveyed – You are not the only one. It is so very common and I completely understand and know how you feel. Bea will understand too and will help you normalize it which will lessen the shame, guilt et al. Give her both these posts to read. I know it’s not easy to do, however, remember you’ve already survived the worst. You will feel so much better sharing this with her. I promise.

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  3. Tell him that for now you need to be in control. And that when you feel it, you will initiate it and that you don’t want him touching you in the parts you don’t want touched. My guess is that if you proceed with ‘safe rules’ you both will like it.

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    • I don’t know why, but this advice felt like *big sister/mom* advice, and it was just comforting to have that feeling. I think it will be awhile before I reach out like that again. I’m scared and don’t want to freak out again and I don’t know if I can talk to hubby about it. I realize that I should be able to, but I like to pretend that s_ _ doesn’t actually exist. 🙈 I think, too, there is a part of me who is afraid hubby will be very angry with me for making rules or setting limits. In my head I mostly know this is not true, but some part of me feels so strongly about this, it’s over ruling all else. This is good advice for when I can find a way to talk about it with him, so I’m going to save it for when that happens. Xx

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      • Yeah, it’s good advice, but none I could ever follow. Talk about something that I didn’t understand myself? Just a confusion of awful feelings that to this day I cannot talk about.

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  4. Nope, not alone. I’ve experienced my own version of pretty much everything you wrote about. Sexualized parts taking over. Full out freak outs during sex. Being both drawn to and repulsed by sexuality. Scaring the socks off of hubby and him not knowing the “right” way to act afterwards. It’s all so hard.

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    • Thank you for sharing this. It is really hard. Being drawn to and repulsed by it, that’s a good way to explain it, because that’s exactly it. Right now it all feels like a giant mess I want to avoid. Most of my parts like to pretend that
      s_ _ isn’t a real thing, that we are like Barbie dolls down there, no parts, nothing. But there’s the part that wants that sort of interaction and it’s very confusing to me. Does it ever get better? Xx

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  5. DV says:

    I think it’s important to try and discuss this with your husband to whatever extent you are able. If he has some understanding of your needs and feels that this is something you are dealing with together I think it will help him be more willing to accept the necessary compromises, especially as this is probably going to be a long slow process.

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    • I know you are right, that talking about it with him would be the mature adult thing to do, and that having him be my partner in dealing with all this would be helpful for him. I just don’t think I can do it. Hubby can be amazing and supportive and kind and really be there, but then the next day he will be all surface and not at all present. His inconsistency makes it hard to really trust him. He knows my past (I brought him to therapy and Bea told him for me when I froze and couldn’t talk or face him) but it’s not something we talk about. I’ve sent him to see Bea from time to time and had her explain things to him, and I tried to get him to go to couples therapy but after a few sessions he cancelled and was just done. He has his own stuff to work out, and I am honestly not sure if he ever will. Maybe — if I can even manage to talk to Bea about this— she could help me write him a letter. I don’t know. There is a lot of embarrassment and shame around all of this, even just the word s_ _. I feel dirty for even wanting to be able to fix this part of my life. Like wanting anything having to do with it is wrong. I think I went off on a tangent. 🙃 Anyway, thank you. Xx

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  6. Alice, my first thought is that you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. That you even initiated being intimate with your hubby is huge. Really, it is such progress! But with progress also comes fear. And I think that little girl just got so scared and she was doing something wrong or something bad and she shouldn’t have started it and it shouldn’t feel good but it did and ughhhh…..it’s okay. So she freaked out and you freaked out and obviously hubby freaked out. It’s in the past and now you simply tell yourself and the little girl that it’s okay. You were both scared but now you’re safe. Trying new things is very scary and sometimes we get triggered but it’s just an old story we’ve been telling ourselves. Find your compassion and it’s going to be okay. Second thought is also related to the progress your making and that you are not as disassociative as you used to be. Before you would have freaked out but only in your mind and kept going without saying a word. Trapped in silent fear. Just lying there silently frozen as you’re hubby did his thing. But you didn’t. You can’t anymore because you’re more present than you know. You are getting better, it’s just an utterly painful process at time. It’s going to be okay and you are so not alone! Love you ❤

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    • It is progress, that’s true. I think you are right that I’m more present than I used to be. I’ve noticed it in other situations, where I can’t just go away and let Ms. Perfect take over. I think some of the problem is that the grown up really has no ideas about what s_ _ is to her and her feelings around it. It’s almost like the little girl’s feelings around that have been my beliefs– it’s wrong, it’s bad, it’s dirty, you’re a slut and disgusting if it feels good and you like it. It’s like something is starting to shift, very slowly, because part of me is wanting to have that sort of relationship with hubby, but as soon as that desire comes up, so do all the little girl feelings about it. It’s all really confusing. I hope you are right that it’s going to be okay. Xx

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