Some things I can’t talk about……..

Trigger warning for talk about sex….

Sex is such a confusing thing to me. And shameful. So very shameful. Logically, I know it’s just a biological drive, nothing shameful there. But emotionally? That’s a different story. I don’t understand why I seek out this thing that terrifies me, disgusts me and hurts me. I don’t understand how I can want to be touched like that. I hate that I feel like half a wife because I don’t typically have sex with my husband. I hate that I am sickened and confused and embarrassed. 

The day we get back from camping passes by in blur. I know I felt bad, overwhelmed. That night, I crawled into bed and snuggled up to hubby. There wasn’t a grown up on board at that moment. Maybe the little girl, maybe a teen part, was running the show. It’s like I could see it happening, but not stop it. At first it was just cuddling, and nuzzling, but then she sat up, and straddled her legs on either side of hubby. She started it. I started it. Kissing, and touching, and she was fine with all of it, until hubby turned his focus more on her, and touching between her legs. One moment, he was hubby and things felt good and she wanted it, and this next moment, it wasn’t hubby anymore, and something bad was going to happen, and I couldn’t handle it. The touching felt nice but like it was too much, too intense and I wanted to squirm my body away, but I couldn’t. And I knew, I just knew, he was going to hurt me after this, because it would be his turn to feel good, and it was going to make me hurt. I started to cry, and scream at him to please don’t hurt me. After that, I don’t know. Hubby stopped, right away, and I hid under my blanky, crying all night. He sat up with me, but I couldn’t talk.  

And now, hubby hasn’t touched me, even to hug me, or hold my hand, or kiss me good morning. I say I hate being touched, but now I feel like he saw exactly how disgusting I am, and he can’t even stand to hug me. I don’t want to be his broken, sick wife. 

I feel like there is more I should say about this. But every time I catch some of the words I want to use, others escape. 

(Also, I’m way super embarrassed about this post, but I honestly can not sit alone with this stuff anymore right now. I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I hate this aspect of myself. Does anyone understand? Am I the only one? How do I cope with this? I’m so lost.)

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8 thoughts on “Some things I can’t talk about……..

  1. Alice-
    Over the past 3.5 yrs this issue has come up more than once. I wish it were a one time fixes all kinda thing, however it isn’t. I have EXACTLY what you are feeling now and had the same worries about my husband – feeling as though I freak him out and he’ll have had enough. I told my therapist about it and she told me it was very common among survivors and it takes time to own our sexuality in a healthy way. She also recommended “A Ghost in the Bedroom” for my husband to read. It’s a book that speaks to spouses of (incest) survivors. It helped him understand the shifting tides. Maybe read it for yourself first and see if you think it will help you to help him~which, ultimately, helps you!

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    • I wanted to make sure I conveyed – You are not the only one. It is so very common and I completely understand and know how you feel. Bea will understand too and will help you normalize it which will lessen the shame, guilt et al. Give her both these posts to read. I know it’s not easy to do, however, remember you’ve already survived the worst. You will feel so much better sharing this with her. I promise.

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  2. I wanted to make sure I conveyed – You are not the only one. It is so very common and I completely understand and know how you feel. Bea will understand too and will help you normalize it which will lessen the shame, guilt et al. Give her both these posts to read. I know it’s not easy to do, however, remember you’ve already survived the worst. You will feel so much better sharing this with her. I promise.

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  3. Tell him that for now you need to be in control. And that when you feel it, you will initiate it and that you don’t want him touching you in the parts you don’t want touched. My guess is that if you proceed with ‘safe rules’ you both will like it.

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  4. Nope, not alone. I’ve experienced my own version of pretty much everything you wrote about. Sexualized parts taking over. Full out freak outs during sex. Being both drawn to and repulsed by sexuality. Scaring the socks off of hubby and him not knowing the “right” way to act afterwards. It’s all so hard.

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  5. DV says:

    I think it’s important to try and discuss this with your husband to whatever extent you are able. If he has some understanding of your needs and feels that this is something you are dealing with together I think it will help him be more willing to accept the necessary compromises, especially as this is probably going to be a long slow process.

    Liked by 1 person

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