So, he wrote back. And it’s not bad. Not earth shattering, everything I ever wanted to hear, and teen is feeling a little snarky and trying to twist things up, but I think its okay.
I don’t know how to respond, because he gave me some choices, and then put the ball in my court. I’m used to Bea giving me choices, and working collaboratively, but it still feels like a trick or something when others do so. I think it sounds like he got what I was saying, and is willing to try to help me find my answers. But I don’t know. Ugh! The teen is starting to pick every word apart, and find malice in each of them. Before she manages to decide I’m not wanted at church anymore, I’m going to go ahead and post what he wrote back.
Love your honesty and yes, of course I meant it – glad you reached out. You have shared a lot and enough – well done.
I’d love to meet with you chat more if you think that will help. But if having a female pastor on our staff would be a better fit, I can help arrange that as well.
You can take some solace, while I’m sure the details are different, that you are in a place many have been and find way through. You have hope in your words, just a need to find some answers to bring a sense of peace. God is definitely big enough for your anger and says He is near in your brokenness and hates what has happened as much as you…probably more than you do.
Let me know how you’d like to proceed.
Pastor)
Falling down the rabbit hole 
I think the important thing is to do what feels comfortable and safe for you, especially when it comes to whether you want to talk with a male or female pastor. Speaking from experience of working with a male therapist, there may a part that is saying that you “should” work it through with a man, that it will be good for you to prove to yourself that a man in a position of authority can be trusted. That is true, but only up to a point. If the fear gets in the way so much that you can’t talk about the things you want to, then it defeats the whole purpose. It’s also totally okay to say thanks for his reply and that for the moment it is enough to know that it is ok to talk at some point in the future. You don’t have to take it further *right now* if you don’t feel ready to do that.
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I guess I don’t know. I feel knocked off my footing sometimes when I’m given choices. I’m unsure what direction I want to go. I know I don’t want my pastor— male or female— to be a therapist. But I do need someone I can give enough information to that they can help me. I don’t know. Maybe I should try to find time to meet and see what that ends up being like? I’m going to wait to respond until I feel more certain one way or the other.
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💖💜🧡
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that was A good response. I hope you get answers. Hard he left you with so many choices though. I know it can be hard to make choices when your not used to it. xx
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As long as angry teen Alice stays out of it, I agree— it is a good response. I’m leaning towards asking to meet and seeing how I feel after that. I feel like all of this— facing this stuff instead of hiding, reaching out— is so new to me, I don’t have a clear path or any idea of what I might want or need. Does that make some sort of sense? 💜💜💜
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I like the above response about the choice to proceed further at some later date if you want to wait.
And keep in mind, pastors are like teachers, really memorable ones are rare. Also many lack the depth to understand trauma and its effects. You may not get an earth shattering conclusion but you may feel more comforted and more settled with loose ends. Whatever you decide, what you’ve already accomplished is so much!
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I don’t know what I am wanting, really. I think I am expecting that the hard work of dealing with all of this will be done with Bea, in therapy, but the God stuff….I need some theological discussion, to be pointed in the right direction for bible verse reading, to discuss this feeling of not being forgiven no matter how often I pray or what I do (and yes, I know that forgiven is not about deeds). I feel as if my soul, my heart, are permanently stained black, and I need a pastor I can say that to and talk about that with. I want someone who can understand that while the concept of accepting Jesus as savior and being forgiven is so simple, all the psychological, emotional, trauma stuff that is all there feels like a giant un-scalable wall between me and God. And I want someone to help me scale that wall. I believe it can be done, with work in therapy and a pastor to talk about the God stuff with.
That got really long…I was doing a bit of thinking aloud in this response. And it appears I do know what I want and/or need. Thank you! 💖🧡💙
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Sometimes it helps just to be heard and to say it out loud, or in this case, to write it out and be heard… : )
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The response sounds very genuine, and hopeful that there are answers to your questions. As for a male or female pastor, maybe what matters more than gender is speaking with someone who understands your questions and is able to answer them in a meaningful way. Meeting with each of them might be a good way to get a better feel for that.
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I like that idea….that maybe it matters more is that they understand my questions and can answer or discuss things in a meaningful way. I hadn’t really even thought about that (even though I know that is so important) I was really looking at gender, asking myself if I wanted to talk to a male or a female pastor. Thank you for this. I think what I’m going to do is email back with some of these things I’ve said in my response to comments, and ask to try to get together to chat, and see if this feels like a good fit or not. 💖💙💛
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Sounds like a great idea xo
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Thank you ☺️
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