I broke my therapist

“You need and you need and you need. You just drain people, Alice. What more do you want from me? I have nothing left to give.”

The words repeat in my head, like a looped photograph, I can see my mother’s face and hear her voice. Over and over.

I break people. It’s what I do. I need and I need and I need, and I drain people of all they have to give until they break.

I told Bea once early on that I break things. I told her I break people. She promised that I would not, could not break her. I reminded her again, as the teen became more and more present that I break people. I told her I was afraid I would break her. She promised again that I could not, would not break her.

I broke her. Last week, Wednesday, I lost my secure base, my soft place to land, my safe person.

I broke my therapist.

I am lost. My heart is breaking. I saw her on Monday, and things are not good. I hid behind a pillow, and then under my blanket, like I usually do. Only this time, I wasn’t hiding because we were talking about trauma memories and feelings that make me want to hide, I was hiding from Bea. Because she no longer feels safe.

She understands that Wednesday was bad. She knew before the session was even over that things had gone horribly wrong. She knows she messed up. She has assured me that I did not break her, that she can handle my stuff. She has apologized for it, owned it, and is willing and committed to repairing the relationship. She has suggested that I may need to get mad, to push her, to fight with her, to test her, time and again in order to find that sense of trust and safety again.

I don’t know if this can be repaired. I don’t know if I can trust her again. This was a bad one guys. The worst rupture we have had. In the past, Bea’s mistakes have all been about helping me– however misinformed– or her caring about me, or even about her lack of time (as in this past fall). Our ruptures have never been because of something I did, or needed, they have never been caused because she just plain couldn’t deal with me. THIS is different. And it is bad. Really bad and really painful.

I still can not write about broken Wednesday, or even about Monday. I don’t have words. I’m not in a good place right now.

I broke my therapist.

36 thoughts on “I broke my therapist

  1. laurenslifeis says:

    Ohh, Alice. I haven’t been reading for that long and I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but my heart just breaks for you in this scenario. This is all too common. You really love Bea and I’m so sorry this is happening between you. We all are here when you’re ready and able to talk about how it went down – but there’s no pressure. Your blog is for YOU, not for us. Write when you need to. We are here. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. CB says:

    I’ve never commented before but been reading your blog for a long while. I am so sorry you are going through this, it is so unbelievably painful. I had a session over a year ago now where I was basically “too much” for my T and she got angry and sent us away early. It was beyond awful, but she apologised and explained something was going on for her and that she would never let her own stuff get in the way of a session again – she hadn’t before and she hasn’t since. I really think you will come back from this – you haven’t broken her, your relationship is too strong and she has already apologised. Sometimes it just takes a little while (a long while) for the trust to come back, to see that when our T’s apologise they mean it. I am thinking of you, all of you xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. I’m so sorry you had a similar experience with your T a year ago. It’s just awful feeling. There’s a small part of me that knows we can come through this, that it will be repaired, but mostly, I feel nothing but despair. I feel as if Bea is sitting in a room with a clear glass window separating us, so can see me, but she’s not really here. She’s apologized, but I’m just not over it. But how fair it is for me to continue being mad and her continuing to apologize? Ugh. This worst. Thank you for your support. 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hugs. I am so sorry this happened. I also don’t know if I’ve ever commented, but watching you repost your mother’s words – I hope only your mother’s, as I know how devastating hearing the same from Bea would be – made me think I should. Whatever happened with Bra, do NOT link it in your mind to the words of someone who was indifferent to the mistreatment you suffered as a child. Do not start to think tour mom was right about you and you deserved the things you went through.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. It doesn’t sound like you broke your therapist at all. It sounds like mistakes were made and she is willing and ready to own and work through them – that’s extremely positive. What has actually been broken by the sounds of things is your trust in Bea. And that is a terrifying and uncertain place to be for you, because just like you wrote, she has always been your safe place, your soft landing.

    I’m sorry you guys have ruptured. Therapy ruptures are horrible, and our reactions to them are all very different. I can’t say much more without knowing what’s going on with you. What I can say is that these ruptures are always fixable, as long as you want it fixed – and as your trust has been so shaken it is so understandable that you feel confused about whether you can do that.

    When you do intense work with somebody things can get said that shouldn’t get said. I used to think some words were unforgivable. Over time I’ve realised I can forgive almost any mistake by my therapist as long as he is honest and open and authentic about why it happened. And believe me he has said a few pretty awful things to me in the heat of the moment. A lot of my healing has come from the working through of these things.

    But that’s just me, not you. The fact is you’re feeling this way and I’m so sorry you are Alice. It’s not what you need or deserve. I’m sure however much you want to blog about this rupture people will be here to support. Pretty much everyone knows how painful therapy ruptures can be.

    Hope that helps. Sending peace and strength to allow you to find your way through this 💛💛💛

    Liked by 4 people

    • This helps. My trust is broken. Totally, completely broken. I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m honestly unsure right now if it is fixable. Thank you for sharing your experience with these things. 💕


  5. Whatever happened, you did not break her, despite those echos from the past. Boy they loom loudly. We are not as potent upon others as we think. You will get past those loud, mean, old voices to find the words to say to Bea that you need to say. My guess it is about speaking up for you, something that even now in my later years feels wrong. You have needs, opinions, and rights, along with the right to advocate for them and say so. You do so for others, like your little daughter… it’s your turn!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. Those echos do boom loudly. It’s hard to see things clearly right now. I’ve managed to speak up a little bit, and wrote to Bea, but it didn’t make things better….I think they might be worse. Anyway. Thank you for being here and listening. 💕


      • Even now, others ring bells that bring up issues of the past; betrayal, trust, and on that list goes. So the hurt can erupt many layers. You will figure out the confusion of mire eventually and wash the mud off. The hurts go so deep, even, or especially, by those we love and care about most.


  6. I comment on this as someone who has recently “broken” their support person, safe place etc.

    Firstly, ruptures happen and can be repaired. It is incredibly brave to ride out the painful feelings and try to work through them but often it can be done. I believe in the strength of your relationship.

    Secondly, no matter what happens from here – you did not break her. You are not that strong – you are not able to break another adult. If she has broken, then it is a combination of many things. You are not responsible.

    I am here if talking to someone would help. My email is prettylittlefreak1990@gmail.com

    Look after you. Xx

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Sirena says:

    Alice, I know that you cannot and have not broken Bea. You will both survive this because you care about one another greatly. Your relationship is real and true. Try to get grounded and present in adult you as that will help with the huge fears and shame of the teen part. Sending love xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s so hard to always believe that we don’t have the power to break people. I’m really struggling to get the adult online. It’s been the teen for weeks now….since Memorial Day when we went to the circus. I got so triggered….well, that is a whole post on it’s own. Anyway, I am trying to get the adult back, but either the teen can’t let go or the adult can’t show up, or I don’t know what. It’s just so hard right now. Love back to you. 💕


  8. A reminder:


    “If that were me, I would have done everything I could to get your mom to let you come back to me. I woild have talked to her about repair, and relationship, I would have asked her to come in so we could talk.”

    Also Bea:

    “Well, I would probably cry. I would feel really terrible that I had missed the mark so horribly, and caused you more pain. I’d tell you that and say that I want to find a way to repair the damage I had done.”

    “I probably would come into your office mad.”

    “Would you be able to tell me that you were mad, or would that have felt too threatening to risk having me be on an opposite side?” When Bea asks this, I feel touched that she remembers how hard it was for me to be mad at her because I didn’t want us to be on opposite sides. That was before I learned, and experienced, that people can be mad at each other and still care and work together on the same side to repair the rupture.

    Liked by 5 people

    • These are good reminders. I just feel like she took away every promise, every reassurance she ever made me. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
      Thank you for putting this here. I hope it’s still all true. 💕


  9. DV says:

    I don’t think I can add anything to what the others have said – just wanted to let you know that I think you will get through this and I’m thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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