Repaired: part one

Repaired. Things are fully, and truly repaired. Not erased, not magically all better, but repaired. The wound isn’t just covered with a band aid, it has been stitched together and healed. It is still tender and sore, and there is a scar. The scar is okay, though. It’s evidence that Bea stayed, and I stayed, even when it was hard. Its evidence that she didn’t leave, that she truly listened, that she wanted to see me and help me. It is evidence that she cared enough to help me stitch the wound.

The last two weeks have been about painstakingly stitching together the wound. They have been rough. I’ve been in this constant state of feeling like something very, very bad is going to happen. I’m okay, though. I got through it.

Early Sunday morning, on July 1, the teen had a bad nightmare. She woke up, and couldn’t calm herself down. She was overwhelmed and alone, and badly needed an anchor. So, she sent Bea an email, with only emojis.

😴🧟‍♂️🐍😈☠️🌪⛈😱😢🙈🙈🙈🐢🐢🐢. 🤝? ⚓️?

Bea responded:

🤝⚓️🏄🏼‍♀️🏝🌞🌈

And that paved the way for Monday, July 2. It was enough of a tentative connection that I reached out and wrote to Bea in my notebook. Bea read everything I wrote, and we talked. I told Bea there was this stuck thing and I was struggling, but afraid to even try fo talk about it. Bea suggested to the teen that the adult could help her when things feel intense, and that would help the teen not rage at people, and not push people away. The session is foggy, because I went so far away at that point. The problem was that the adult had tried to help before, and it only messed everything up. After therapy, I went for a walk, and I wrote a lot. I wrote about the adult doing the best she could to help teen, and how it still messed everything up. I wrote about feeling like Bea’s stuff was all mixed up in this rupture and how I wasn’t sure she was seeing clearly.

Between Monday and Thursday, we emailed and talked a little bit about the belief everything would be ruined, if I talked about the stuck thing. It was tentative and careful, and lots of emojis were used, but it helped some.

I didn’t see Bea until July 5 because Wednesday was a holiday— the fourth of July. I had a lot of writing, but had simply pared it down to 1/2 a page, describing the stuck thing. It takes over half of my session to hand Bea the writing. I’m anxious and scared that this is a bad idea.

I’m trapped. I can’t really talk to you because of X, but to be able to talk, we need to deal with X. There are no good choices. I could tell you the stuck thing has to do with our rupture. I could tell you that it’s partly something I don’t understand about your feelings. I don’t even like saying that much. It’s too vulnerable making, too scary. If I tell you about the stuck thing, it’s going to blow everything up. I can’t do it.

“It has to feel awful to be stuck in that place.” Bea is gentle and present and she sounds so kind. I’m hiding under the blanket, shaking, because I am so afraid something bad will happen.

“You know,” she says slowly, “If there are things I have said or done that you don’t understand, I’m happy to explain them to you. If this is stuck, we need to deal with it, it is stuck for a reason. That’s okay. We can deal with it, together.”

But she won’t want to deal with it if I tell her. She will go away again, and having a sort of here secure base is better than no secure base at all. “I just can’t. Everything will blow up. You won’t like it.” My voice is teary and quiet, but my words are sure and certain.

“I don’t know what it is, so I can’t promise it will be okay, but I can tell you that I am here, and I feel very centered and present. Whatever it is, I don’t think I will react emotionally. Actually, that is a promise I can make you. I won’t react emotionally to the stuck thing. I will listen, and I will do my best to explain and help you understand.”

“But I don’t want you to not be here, to be shrinky. That won’t help.” I’m almost whining. The idea of Bea going back to the detached shrinky place, it’s distressing.

“It is important to you that I am here and attuned. I feel very here, very attuned, very aware that this is the teen’s experience. Maybe I should explain that this rupture, it feels in the past to me. The recent past, but the past, and so I don’t think I will react emotionally because I have some distance around it.”

“But I don’t,” I tell her.

“I know that, too. And that is okay,” she reassures.

“I just can’t. I hate that this isn’t okay.”

Bea is quiet for a minute, and then she asks, “Is this a new experience for the teen? Maybe a new feeling or experience for the teen to not pretend everything is okay?”

I shrug. I don’t want to say yes, or no. Maybe it is, but if I tell her that then she is just going to make this all about my past.

Bea continues offering all the reassurance she can give me, and just as I am feeling like maybe it is okay to give her the written explanation of the stuck thing, our time is almost up. Bea says she will read it before I leave, or I could email it (which prompts a loud “NO!” from me) or we could wait until Monday. I can’t decide, and Bea tells me it is okay to wait. Before I leave, she says if I want to email small pieces or even clues of a sort, or even if I just want to email to check in, that is okay. Basically, whatever I need is okay.

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7 thoughts on “Repaired: part one

  1. I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how things have gotten on with Bea. I’m super glad you’re working through this with her–or at least attempting to. I know the rupture was excruciating for you and that I’m fairly certain you are still unsure if things will be okay.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I still get the sense that you are still feeling misunderstood by Bea. I wonder if she senses that as well. I’m glad you’re willing to at least try to make your way through it with her, even if you are still feeling misunderstood. She seems willing as well, so that’s a good thing.

    Work at your pace and things will come when they’re ready to come. You’re doing fabulous and I hope you can be proud of yourself for going back to Bea and doing all the work you’re doing.

    Take good care of yourself…..xx ❤

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    • Hi Kerry ☺️ You are absolutely right— at this point, I was still feeling so misunderstood and just left. Thankfully, this is all past….O just broke up the posts into six parts because it would have been so long to read! I’m never sure if it’s better to post back to back or post one part a day……

      This was hard, and I did manage to work through this at my pace and it was okay. Thank you for reading and supporting….xx
      🧡Alice

      Liked by 1 person

  2. slantgirl says:

    here and witnessing, alice — i saw a part 5 for a moment this morning before this posted, so i am thinking there is more coming! i am so glad that you and bea found a way to move forward together, and were able to do the work of healing.

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    • Thank you for listening, for sitting with me. There are six parts, I just wasn’t sure if I should post back to back or do a part a day. This entire post is long…I didn’t believe we would find a way through, but we did. I’m grateful to have had people assuring me that we could repair this. Xx 🧡Alice

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Lina says:

    I know I haven’t commented much and that’s because I dont want to creep you out (which I know is maybe my own distortion and my own thoughts), but i have been reading along, relating at points, feeling your emotions, and always sending my good healing thoughts to you. I am glad to read this update and anxious (a bit excited?) to read the rest. I’m very glad you have Bea and you deserve her and everything she is offering you.

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  4. I’m not surprised this is part of a longer post. I didn’t comment much, because I know I rely too much on external validation and sometimes it doesn’t matter what others think. You either feel safe, or you don’t. Only you could decide when you did – or if you did – with Bea. I’m glad, though, that you are getting there, and that you both stayed.

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