Back down the rabbit hole

I’ve fallen back down the rabbit hole. I’m so tired. Beyond tired, really. I forgot how exhausting it is to not sleep and be plagued with nightmares and to spend days in a weird here not here fog and to be oddly jumpy and unable to settle even while being in the fog. I forgot how stupid, stupid things, not even big things, can trigger all kinds of images, thoughts, feelings, that I don’t want to have. Intrusive thoughts, I think is what Bea labeled them. And I forgot how painful this is. How hard it is to even look at anyone and try to explain how I am struggling, and how shame just overwhelms and takes over everything. I forgot the huge fears of being not good enough and the very real fear that if I’m as bad as I feel like I am, I will be abandoned. I forgot the fear of Bea being disgusted by me, of her hating me or being mad at me and deciding not to speak to me anymore. I forgot what it feels like to feel so much like a little girl, more little girl than adult, with just enough grown up there to know how I feel, or am acting, or am thinking isn’t “normal or okay for a grownup”. I forgot the middle of the night wake ups, and the middle of the day freak outs. I forgot being so frozen I cant find words and I forgot what it was like to need to desperately hide because you cant bear the thought of being seen (except you also want nothing more than to be seen and heard. How much sense does that even make?), but even more so, you cant bear seeing the look on another’s face when they realize the truth about you. I forgot what it was like to be consumed by the borderline teen’s anger, and be so mad at Bea over nothing. I forgot what it was like to be snarky and impulsive and sometimes mean, but more than that, I forgot what it was like to feel all the hurt and fear of being rejected and I forgot the feeling of needing to hide any and all vulnerabilities at any cost. I forgot reenacting things with my husband and I forgot being afraid of words. I forgot how hard it is to ignore the voice that promises things will feel better if I just cut, or hurt myself in someway. I forgot the overwhelming need to throw up. I forgot about suicide ideation(no, I’m not planning anything, I don’t want to die. But the teen really does find some crazy weird creepy relief in thinking that she could make everything go away forever). I forgot how hard it is to live like this.

19 thoughts on “Back down the rabbit hole

  1. Anonymous says:

    Don’t forget how supported you have been and continue to be throughout all these resurfacing feelings/emotions. You have before and will again – if not for the final time – work through this and come out stronger with all the resources you will ever need bc of your hard work and courage to face all the ugly honestly. Never stop reaching out. We’re here through it all with you


  2. Me says:

    I haven’t forgotten about you, though. And am holding you in my heart. (P.s. somehow managed to re-post your post – pressed the wrong button – I deleted it!)


  3. pattyspathtohealing says:

    Wow. I’ve missed you. It is so difficult when all of those feelings and thoughts come flooding back. I’m thinking good thoughts for you!


  4. slantgirl says:

    glad to see you back — though sad to hear the intrusive thoughts are getting to you, and that the familiar patterns of trauma coping are rearing their heads. i am in a similar place — things playing me that haven’t in a while. I hope you’ll update us soon on how you are feeling, how your mum is, what’s up with your daughter. you are thought of and remembered!! ❤


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