Bad Connection

Wednesday was a bad day. I dreamed about the unspeakable memory. I woke up frozen. I like to get up and go upstairs to my living room and sit with all the lights on. But that morning, I couldn’t move. I laid in bed, stuck, for a long time.

I was lying there, frozen, stuck in the past, triggered and messy, when Hubby leaned over me to say goodbye. That’s when I did move. I was so scared. I flew under the blankets, hiding. When Hubby tried to comfort me, to check if I was okay, I screamed. I screamed at him to go away, to leave me alone. And eventually, he left. He had to go to work.

This is the head space I’m in when I log into therapy. I’m sitting on the floor, with my fuzzy blanket and Stitch. I’ve been crying most of the morning, and I’m far, far away.

Bea logs on, and she knows something is really wrong. “Hey,” she says softly, “What’s going on? Did you have a rough night?”

“It’s not a good day,” I reply.

She doesn’t hear me. Something is wrong with our connection and she can’t hear me. We try a few things to fix the connection, but nothing works. “I’m here, and present and I want to listen to you. And once you start talking, I can eventually hear you. I might just need you to repeat yourself sometimes.” Bea is here, I know that, but I don’t want to repeat myself.

I shake my head, and then start crying again. I bury my face and just sob. Bea talks to me because I can still hear her. I hate this. Video therapy sucks. I feel so alone, and I’m so far away and so scared.

“I know you feel really alone right now. You aren’t alone though. I’m here. I know it feels really bad right now but you aren’t alone.” Bea is trying so hard to make sure I know she is here. The thing is, I do know she is here . I know that the connection being bad has nothing to do with Bea. I know she is here, I know that this isn’t because she doesn’t want to speak with me, or listen to me. I know this doesn’t mean she is leaving me. I trust our relationship, our connection.

At some point, I pull my blanket over my head. Bea asks if I can text her. She wants to make sure I’m heard and not alone before it’s time to go. I grab my phone.

***I hate this and I feel like I can’t talk because it’s too hard to even say words one time.*** I type.

“I know. It’s hard to say the words once sometimes. I know. I’m sorry.”

***It’s not your fault***

“I know that, too. I can feel sorry about this though. I feel very badly that you feel alone right now because the connection is bad.” I can hear the empathy and care in her voice.

***I wanted to tell you it was a bad night and a bad morning.***

“Yeah. It was a bad night and bad morning. Did you have a nightmare?”

***Yes***

“What are you doing the rest of the day? Do you have plans?”

***Kay is coming here or I am going there***

“That’s good. I’m really glad you are seeing her today, that you are reaching out. That’s good.”

I type a smiley face.

“I have an opening at 3:30 again tomorrow. Do you want to try again then?” She offers. “You don’t have to decide right now. I’ll leave it open.”

***Can we just have a regular phone call tomorrow right away if the video doesn’t work?***

“Yeah, we can do that. Absolutely. I’m glad we can try again tomorrow. I feel like this is the worst session ever,” Bea shares.

I think about the session that led to the huge rupture a few years ago. ***We had worst sessions. This is not the worst.***

“That’s true. We have had worse sessions.”

***This is feeling better than earlier. Before it was like double having no voice.***

“Yeah, it is like double no voice. I’m glad that at least you feel connected and a little better. I really didn’t want to end today with you feeling so alone and awful.” Bea cares. She’s here and she cares.

***It’s time to go, isn’t it?*** I type.

“It is. If you need to reach out, please do. You can email or text.”

***Okay. Thank you***

Wednesday sucks. I hate video therapy. But the thing that’s kind of amazing? Nothing was working and it was even harder to talk because Bea couldn’t hear me and it was bad. But I know it wasn’t because she wasn’t there or didn’t want to hear me or because she left. I think that is progress or growth or something.