I should be writing…….

I should be writing. My daughter is home sick with a sinus infection. I’m sick with a sinus infection. We both have an middle ear infection from the sinus crud clogging the eustation tube. It’s nasty crud, but thankfully it’s the normal sick we experience every year at this time. It’s not even contagious because the sinus crud is a result of really awful seasonal allergies and the change in weather. With covid though, she is stuck at home until she is symptom free. I’m thankful for her school’s policy on this because it makes me feel safer sending her to school, but it’s also hard. She’s not handling being home without social interaction very good this time around. I’m surprised because she handled the quarantine from March through June really good.

But I should be writing. I should write about how this memory feels like it is slowly killing me. I should write about how there is this stuck point (well, many stuck points, but one that keeps coming up over and over right now) that leaves me feeling completely and utterly defeated. I should write about how in this memory, for a moment, maybe just a fraction of a moment, I thought it was over. I thought the sexual abuse was over and I would never be hurt again. And then, well, it wasn’t over. But that little girl part of me that was so relieved? She is crushed, devastated, hopeless. She wants to do more than disappear. She feels like she’s dying. Because that’s what it felt like then, in that moment when I realized I was wrong and it wasn’t over. It felt like I was going to die.