Please be kind if you comment on this post. I’m feeling very vulnerable right now, still not done with all the feelings of the hopeless part of me, and this has only flipped my world even more upside down. I’m not feeling very adult at the moment.
Therapy this morning was a bit of a waste. I just couldn’t get past this need to stay on the surface, and by the time I was even able to acknowledge that I was staying on the surface, it was 9:38 am. Bea said she thought a lot of people need to be sort of surfacey and just focused on coping right now, because even though I don’t talk about it a lot, the state of the world, and Election Day (week?? Month???) is so stressful and challenging for so many, but she also said that I still had time left to bring up anything I needed or wanted to.
All I could say was that I needed to talk but I couldn’t because I knew she would be on my side and I really need her to not be on my side, but also, if she’s not completely on my side that is scary too, and I need her to be here and not detached and neutral or shrinky. Yup. Crazy talk, right? I was being unreasonable, needing Bea to be all the things, but she didn’t act like I had crazy head.
She tried asking what it would mean if she wasn’t on my side, and I couldn’t get the words out. She tried asking why whatever part was there was so scared and triggered, and I couldn’t explain.
Finally, I managed to tell her, with many starts and stops and silently berating myself, that what I really wanted was to ask if she had time for a phone call later. I thought she was going to tell me no, but instead she kindly explained she wouldn’t have time until after 6:30pm. That was actually good for me, so we agreed she would call me at 7:00pm, and that I would try to email her what was going on before that.
I told her she didn’t need to reply if I emailed because I would know we would be talking tonight, but when I sent it, she responded anyway. I’m glad she did, honestly. I needed the reassurance that she could have this conversation.
All that to say, I am struggling with this a lot. I almost don’t want to post about this, but at the same time this is big, and I don’t even know what the fallout is going to be.
If you’ve read this blog for a while then you have read about Hubby. He’s a good man. A good father. He’s kind, and he’s gentle, and strong and supportive and he would do anything he could to make me and our daughter happy. He respects women. He believes in my dreams, and he supports me. He’s loved me through years of feeling broken, sat up with me after nightmares, came home from work when the flashbacks were bad. He held me when I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks after my Grandfather died, and he did it again when my Grandma died. He has found ways to celebrate and keep the memory of my grandparents alive. This man would go to the ends of the earth, and fight monsters to keep us safe. Except he voted for the monster. And I don’t understand. I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m lost, and confused, and one of my safe people is no longer safe. How can the hubby I thought I knew, be the same hubby that voted for a monster to stay in office?