Triggered

This isn’t going to be this neat, organized thing. My head is a giant triggery mess. And also, this is sort of…..personal feeling but I just need to write about it.

I have a yeast infection. I’ve never had one before, so at first I incorrectly assumed I was sore down there from sleeping with my husband. Which was sort of triggering. When it didn’t go away after a day, I said something to Kay about it. She (who is not shy about these things or embarrassed by body stuff at all) asked a bunch of questions and said it sounded like a yeast infection, but because I had never had one before, I needed to call my doctor. I called, and of course she had no appointments for like three weeks. I really didn’t want to see a different doctor for this because of how triggered exams of made me in the past, so I emailed her. She called me, and we talked. She agreed it sounded like a yeast infection and told me what to buy over the counter.

All of that to say, yeast infections hurt. And that has led to me being extremely triggered for several days now. I didn’t really remember this feeling of being sore down there, just constant soreness. I spent a lot of my childhood and tween/teen years being sore down there. Just this constant dull sort of pain that doesn’t stop. It’s such a stupid thing, to be triggered like this, over an infection. I just don’t think my adult self, or any of the parts really remembered hurting after for days. I haven’t been sleeping much, and when I do sleep, I have nightmares. I’m sore (although I think at this point the sore is more in my head), I’m scared, I’m triggered, I can’t stop crying, I feel so alone right now, and all I want to do is hide. I have this feeling that something bad just happened, or is going to happen and I can’t escape it.

5 thoughts on “Triggered

  1. LovingSummer says:

    Oh dear Alice, so sorry to hear you’re having this unpleasant experience. I can relate to triggers as I really went through that at my last smear, you’d think after all the years I had smears I’d be used to it by now, but this one hit me between the eyes quite unexpectedly, and it made me feel so weak and I cried so hard when I got home. I really hope you are recovered very soon from your infection so this can all be over for you. Is this something you will bring to therapy when you next meet? I hope, even though this is so difficult for you right now, that it can work out to somehow turn things around and act as some kind of catalyst for next stage of deeper healing for you, whether you choose to bring it into therapy or not ❤️🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe not so stupid. Maybe you as an adult woman understands ‘her’ pain and agony and allows for tears to flow. Tears heal, like saline solution on a wound. You’ve been through so much. Of course something like this would bring on memories, but the hope is that each time becomes easier and lighter. Hugs, you’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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