I don’t know. I don’t even know how this happened. I just know everything is wrong. I found emails. Hubby has been emailing Bea, about me. And she responded. I just can’t even. How could she do this? They were talking about me behind my back. All this time. I just can’t do this anymore. I trusted her. I had Kay, that was it, the only person I ever really trusted. I wanted hubby on that list. I have been trying, and learning to trust him. And I allowed Bea onto that list. How stupid could I be? She doesn’t care. It’s been this act. She is not on my side, she is trying to fix me for hubby. Oh my god. This can’t be happening right now.
The teenage part of me is out in full force today. I’ve been emailing with Bea for the better part of the day, about how snarky I feel and how scared the little girl is of the snarky teenager. Bea suggested that the teen part of me needs to know that she will accept her, that I maybe need to test her limits; that this is all about trust. So I gave in and sent her the snarky email I had sitting in my trash folder– my first response to her email (response to my Brave email) this morning. And now I’m terrified. I need support. So here I am. Eeeeek.
I am having some major anxiety today. After yesterday’s season– which I will post about eventually– I took a long walk and did some processing and sorting. Then I emailed Bea. It’s been 24 hours, and she still hasn’t responded. I’ve kept busy– grocery shopping. Swimming, 2 yoga classes, cleaning. Playing with Kat. But I’m almost topped out for anxiety and vulnerability and I’m so close to closing off and saying screw it, I don’t need her. Why oh why hasn’t she responded?
Well. I did it. I send Bea an email, stating I was worried about the lack of response to Thursday’s email. Now it’s more waiting, and more anxiety. Ugh.
I got bored and decided to change up the look of the blog. What do you guys think? I think I like it. ❤ I’m loving the color scheme, and the simpler look.
I’m feeling really happy tonight. My mom and I had an hour long texting conversation, during which she told me she really missed Christmas shopping with me. Christmas Shopping used to be a special thing we did together. After the Kat was born, it was something we stopped doing. I suggested her and I could meet one day without Kat, and do some shopping. In the past, she has always turned this down, as she wants to see Kat, and if she is driving to meet me, she wants it to be “worth” the drive. Today, she agreed. I was shocked, and filled with joy. I feel like I belong to my Mom again, in a weird way, but also like I am more my own person than I have ever been before and that she is really seeing me for the first time. Perhaps things really are changing.