Everything is fine and I am numb and gone, gone, gone 

I’m unsure as to what happened today. Bea said or did something and she triggered the perfect part to take over. Ms. Perfect has written an email for Bea. It’s taking everything in me not to send it and quit. I’m posting the email below, hoping that maybe someone can help me know what to do. I’m numb and experiencing some depersonalization and derealization but all the emotion of the last month finally sent me to that in a bubble place. 

Dear Bea, 
I’m fine now. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong, and I have it all under control. I need to make a plan, set a schedule, but everything is very much okay. You don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t be so needy anymore, I don’t need you now. I realize that last week was a lot; I was really needy and it had to be very obnoxious. I’m sorry about that. I won’t bother you again. I realize it was wrong of me to put you in a position of having to be the sole support. It is not fair to put that all on you. I understand where you are coming from, wanting me to tell others and get support from them. It is out of the question to tell anyone in my family, or to tell my husband. The family won’t believe me, and the one person who might, it is not fair to put them in that position. It is not a choice I am making, it is simply a fact, the way things are. I didn’t set up the rules or how they work, but I do follow them. One of the rules is that no one talks about serious things, emotions, or deep things. I don’t need or want them to know, anyway. I’m fine on my own. I do not need a support system, because I am not a victim and there is nothing wrong. I’m done digging around the past. It’s all locked back up, and I’m okay again. 

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