Strange instances and Sunflowers

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday…….It’s annual mother-daughter weekend. This means that my mom and her sister pick me up and then we drive to my cousin’s house. It’s always fun, and I love seeing my cousin.

I went into the weekend stressed out and overwhelmed, but it ended up okay. We stayed at my cousin’s new house, and it ended up being really great. There were some really healing moments that were just kind of strange. I don’t know how to explain it.

At one point, Cousin and I hid on her front porch so we could smoke (yes, I smoke cigarettes when I’m stressed) and I shared with her what happened with Kat and the boy. She was really empathetic and understanding but there was a strange thing she said to me. She said, “I bet it was really upsetting because it feels so much like our creepy cousin.”

Kenny is her cousin, too. He didn’t live next door to her, and I’ve always thought she was fine with him. She’s never called him creepy before or even mentioned anything like that. I froze when she said it and kind of laughed it off, and then suggested we get better get back before the moms became suspicious. And that was that. I don’t know what to make of this, and I don’t even tell Bea about the girls weekend when we speak on Wednesday because….well, I don’t know why.

Then, Saturday night, I had a nightmare and it woke my mom. On girl’s weekend, my aunt shares my cousin’s bed, and my mom and I share the bed in the guest room.

So, I have this nightmare, the really bad one I have been having, and it wakes my mom up. When I was a kid if I had a nightmare, I would just lay in bed, wishing my mom would come in my room, that she would just somehow know I was awake and scared, but more often than not, I would lay there alone until morning. If I did actually get out of bed, I would be given a glass of water, a kiss on the forehead and directed back to bed. I was an annoyance, a problem to be dealt with. Which is why this is so….strange. My mom woke up, and just right away hugged me and held me in this hug. She shushed me but it was the comforting “sh sh sh” you make when a baby cries. I lied and said I didn’t know what I had been dreaming when she asked. She said it didn’t matter, and that everything was okay where we were. I cried, and my mom tucked me back in and rubbed my back and smoothed my hair. And you know what? I fell back asleep. This never happens after a nightmare.

This was healing and painful, all at the same time. It hurts because I needed this present day mom when I was little. I needed this mom so badly, and I didn’t get her.

Saturday we went to a sunflower farm, and we had such a fun time filling a vase full of sunflowers. My mom decided she wanted to pick the tallest sunflower she could find. She found one that was probably 12 feet tall and carried it around the whole time we were there. I had to use our garden clippers like a saw to get the flower with its long stem cut down. It was like a small tree! We were all laughing and just having a really fun time. The farm owners took our picture with our crazy tall flower and asked to post it on facebook. They said that no one has ever picked a flower with a stem that tall and they were thrilled with how much fun we were having.

I don’t know why I didn’t share this with Bea on Wednesday. I have so many messy feelings about the strange things that happened that weekend. I think it feels painful and hard to share. I don’t know.

PS– I’m the short one in the picture.

Connection

I really liked Andi’s idea of putting special words spoken or written by her therapist on the lock screen of her phone to maintain a connection and remember the words. So, I copied her idea. It might be odd, but it’s given me a lot of comfort to read her words throughout my day. It’s made me feel less alone. It’s uncomfortable to admit to needing Bea, to using her words like a security blanket. But there it is. I’m trying something new- no more hiding me. 

I’m also very afraid I’m going to forget, decide to pretend away all of this, and I’ll forget that I didn’t have any control, that I didn’t do this, that he was wrong. So Bea’s words have meant so much to me these past few  days. 

Nightmare Protocol

These are not the greatest pictures, but they are taken from the book “the body remembers.” It is the nightmare and flashback protocol. I’ve used them both with some success, and Bea says they are a good “tool” for my “tool box.”