Morning of….

It’s the morning of the wedding. I’m okay. I got through dinner last night– HE wasn’t at dinner– though there were a lot of tears over my Grandpa not being there and it not being fair and just missing him. My brother has been crying over missing Grabdpa, too. I did a silly thing and bought the hard candies Grabdpa always carried. I thought if I carried one in my purse, and my brother could have one for his pocket, and it would be like carrying a tiny memory of Grandpa with us today. But maybe that is too sad to tell my brother. 

I emailed with Bea last night, and she was there and herself. She told me on Wednesday (which I have a post almost done) I could text her this weekend, that I’m not alone and that nothing is a secret anymore, that she knows the “secret” and so I’m not alone. She said if I feel not real or if I feel trapped and little, all alone and like no one knows and no one can help, to text her and she will remind me otherwise. 

I wanted to thank everyone for you comments and how supportive and kind you all are. Words mean a lot to me, and having these things to read as I’ve felt anxious and sick and worse than that over the wedding, it’s helped and it has meant a lot. So thank you all. 

I’m off to hair and makeup soon. I’m in the land of country clubs and designer labels and perfection. Which isn’t where I usually live any longer. It’s not me. I think that just adds to the unreal feeling. But guess what I did? Not only is my dress  pink, my shoes are just regular, not designer, nothing special shoes in the regard. But they are fabulous shoes. Maybe I’ll take a picture of my feet later. Anyway. It’s just another little act of rebellion. Of me being me. It makes me smile. 🙂 

Couples shrink #1 😥🙈

So I cancelled the first therapist. She called me back and won’t even listen to me over the phone or take an email. 

All I wanted was to let her know my trauma reactions before we met face to face so I could feel safe walking into that appointment. And she wouldn’t let me do that.  
I’m so angry right now and hurt and crying and it’s stupid because I don’t even know this lady. I feel so shutdown, not heard and not allowed to speak. And she just kept saying “good therapy is done face to face.” I feel like it was a slight against me. —–I’m posting this on my blog too. I’m just so sad right now. 

Girls weekend

I’m gone for the weekend. Yesterday was my friend Rory’s birthday, and we decided to take a weekend and run away. So we left yesterday morning and won’t be home until tomorrow eveing. I’m really having a great time. We’ve eaten in some great restaurants — and I somehow have left my guilt at home– gotten cupcakes from a bakery that was featured on cupcake wars, and spent last evening wine tasting. 

We bought gifts for our kids, and coloring books for ourselves, and sat outside on a bench downtown, coloring and talking for a while.   Then we bought a few bottles of wine (and chocolate) and spent the night in the adults only jacuzzi drinking wine. We had some great conversation with a group of older ladies visiting for a girls weekend. 

It’s funny, I don’t feel like I am being fake, or acting like miss perfect. I feel like me. That’s it. Just me. It’s been, this weekend, the running away, it’s been good. It’s been healing and good. But I’m glad I have almost 2 more full days. Because I’m not ready to go back. 

I’m sorry I’ve been gone…..

I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I miss my blog friends when I shut down and avoid everything. I miss the sense of support I feel from you all. I miss feeling as though I’m able to be a support. I miss the feeling of not being alone. I started reading and trying to catch up today. It might take me a while, and I may not comment on older posts. But I back, again. Ugh. I feel like I have been saying that a lot lately. Things have been so up and down. I think I’m finding my way back, to myself again. I’m trying. I hope you all will forgive my absence. I missed you.

💟💟💟Xx, Alice 

The fight

I don’t have the energy to post the whole story right now. I set a boundary with my best friend 4 weeks ago. She hasn’t spoken to me, or responded to texts messages (I sent one a week to let her know I was still here even if she was mad at me). Today she responded, basically telling me the friendship is over, that she can not forgive me. My world just fell apart. I lost my big sister, best friend, advocate and supporter. I don’t know how to do this without knowing she is there. I’m not okay. I’m really, really not okay. 

Feeling sad

So….I emailed Bea on Friday night. I was feeling a little scattered and off when I emailed. And I haven’t heard back from her. The grown up part is feeling okay, although there is a slight disappointment that things had gone so well the last two weeks and now this. The teen is mad. She can’t believe that Bea wouldn’t email her back.  The little girl is freaking out; she believes that Bea is gone and mad and doesn’t care. I’m sad and lonely and worried. I don’t understand. And I’m worried she is disgusted with me and never wants to see me again. I don’t know. 

Trust destroyed

I don’t know. I don’t even know how this happened. I just know everything is wrong. I found emails. Hubby has been emailing Bea, about me. And she responded. I just can’t even. How could she do this? They were talking about me behind my back. All this time. I just can’t do this anymore. I trusted her. I had Kay, that was it, the only person I ever really trusted. I wanted hubby on that list. I have been trying, and learning to trust him. And I allowed Bea onto that list. How stupid could I be? She doesn’t care. It’s been this act. She is not on my side, she is trying to fix me for hubby. Oh my god. This can’t be happening right now. 

Snarky….

The teenage part of me is out in full force today. I’ve been emailing with Bea for the better part of the day, about how snarky I feel and how scared the little girl is of the snarky teenager. Bea suggested that the teen part of me needs to know that she will accept her, that I maybe need to test her limits; that this is all about trust. So I gave in and sent her the snarky email I had sitting in my trash folder– my first response to her email (response to my Brave email) this morning. And now I’m terrified. I need support. So here I am. Eeeeek. 

Anxiety

I am having some major anxiety today. After yesterday’s season– which I will post about eventually– I took a long walk and did some processing and sorting. Then I emailed Bea. It’s been 24 hours, and she still hasn’t responded. I’ve kept busy– grocery shopping. Swimming, 2 yoga classes, cleaning. Playing with Kat. But I’m almost topped out for anxiety and vulnerability and I’m so close to closing off and saying screw it, I don’t need her. Why oh why hasn’t she responded?

Email sent

Well. I did it. I send Bea an email, stating I was worried about the lack of response to Thursday’s email. Now it’s more waiting, and more anxiety. Ugh.