Camping….confused, sad and happy

Yesterday’s therapy session was really ungrounded, I was confused and upset. I think Bea picked up on all of those emotions and was really able to feel them yesterday. I had spent all of Saturday night and Sunday trying to hold all of that overwhelming upset and confusion down, so when we started talking about camping, I started crying and telling Bea I didn’t want to go. I felt like a little kid begging an adult not to make them go. It honestly sucked. I can’t really write about the session because it was overflowing with confusion, and I was dissociated and trapped in the grief and confusion much of the time.

I had been putting off thinking about this camping trip. Even good memories confuse me. I don’t know. I have a hard time putting my two realities together. It’s like I can only focus and believe the good stuff or the bad stuff. I can’t hold the two together, at the same time. I was so anxiety riddled about this trip. The bad dreams started Saturday night. I didn’t sleep on Sunday, at all. I cleaned, I made a cake for Kat’s bday, I sewed, I watched TV. I did anything to keep my mind occupied, but still flashes of stuff ran through it. Campfires, s’mores, hiking trails, Ferris wheels. It’s as if one small picture flashing in my head imparts an entire memory and a felt sense of awfulness in an instant.

Now, we are actually here at the campground. Yesterday was okay. I had fun watching Kat with her cousins, and hanging out with my parents. That’s the thing. My Mom and Dad are fun, and easy to be with if I’m able to stay present and not feeling all the emotions from the past. Kat is loving every minute of camping, so it’s been easy to be there, in the moment with her and her 3 cousins.

Last night, sleeping was harder. Every noise, every little thing made me jump. I dreamed about masked men, monsters, coming into the campground and taking Kat and I away. They were chasing her and I and hubby, and then we were separated from hubby, and the monsters got us, took us away. I couldn’t keep Kat safe. I woke up not long after, sick and feeling frozen, terrified, unable to move or breathe.

This morning is better again, but I have this sense of sadness and feeling all alone. Bea talked about this; how it’s hard for me because no one I am with knows my other reality, and so things can feel split and confusing, and like I am crazy. She said it was like me walking into the lion’s den alone, while the rest of the people I am with believe we are all walking into a lamb’s pasture.

Sitting in the wooden swing in the little deck of our camping cabin, looking out across the lake and drinking my morning coffee, I can feel the sadness of my past and the happiness of this moment, of Kat celebrating her birthday with everyone. I feel weirdly peaceful. We are supposed to go to the amusement park today, but I want to stay here. I’m trying to convince the others we should go tomorrow because the weather will be better tomorrow. It’s like I’ve faced the demons in the campground, and feel safe here now. I want to stay here, on my swing, watching the lake and drinking coffee, feeling peaceful.