I’m fine. I’m lost. I’m floating and alone. I’m so far away, I feel like I’m standing behind myself. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore; I’m not sure how I got here. Wasn’t it just a week ago I was writing out a list of all the ways I’ve made progress and feeling so good about that?
I’ve fallen into this self destructive place, this self punishment place. I hate who I am. I’m needy and bad and wrong. I want to pack up my things and run away. Just get in my car and go. I’m a mess. This isn’t okay. But I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine because I have to be. I’m going to go do some sewing now, and try to interact with my daughter like a good mom. Which I’m not. I’m not a good anything.
And my therapist is on vacation, and still I’m emailing. I can’t give her a break. I can’t be normal. And my one best friend is out of town, out of the state really, also on vacation, and my other best friend hates me and I think my husband wants to leave me, and only loves me when I sleep with him. I’m not okay. But I’m fine.
I hate those times when you have to be “fine” but you’re not okay, it’s just such a jarring place to be in. Personally I think you’re a really good mother. But what I think isn’t what’s important, it’s how you feel. I hope you can get some respite from these feelings soon.
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Thanks for this. It is a jarring place to be. And it’s nice to hear I’m okay, and a good mom. I just feel like I screw it up so much, and she is triggering me a lot this weekend and I try to push through that and be okay, but it’s hard. It’s hard because it’s hard and it’s hard because I’m so scared I’m going to screw her up.
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I can’t imagine how scary and exhausting it must be to have a kid and go through this stuff. You’re not going to screw her up because you are “good enough”, you don’t need to be perfect and also she has Bea too right? I think that’s amazing, to acknowledge that your child needs extra support. Many parents wouldn’t admit to that and THAT is what makes you a great mother!
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Thanks Sirena. She does have Bea. I just hate days like this. It wasn’t good. This was just what I needed to hear tonight, though. Thank you.
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So now that you got that out…breathe. The overwhelm will pass and you will remember that you remember and forgot. That’s one of my favorite things that my T has told me. We remember and forgot the progress we make and to breathe and believe in the goodness that exists inside of us.
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Thank you. I’m trying to breathe. I feel gross. The ED took over this weekend. Stupid. Maybe I’ll go to yoga tomorrow morning. Bea is on vacation so no therapy.
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I think that yoga is a great idea.
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Yes, yoga therapy!!! Maybe go more than once this week!!! 💜💜💜
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I haven’t been for weeks. Crap, two months. I feel gross. I’m sort of embarrassed to go show up. I don’t know. I should go. But I just….I don’t know. I just feel gross. What if I can’t do everything I used to be able to? What if I’m the fattest person there? I don’t know. I feel gross. I’m scared to go back. 😕😞
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The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible is not the goal. Standing on your hands is not the goal.
The goal is to create space where you were once stuck. To unveil the layers of protection you’ve built around your heart. To appreciate your body and become aware of your mind and the noise it creates. To make peace with who you are. The goal is to love, well… You.
Come to your yoga mat to feel; not to accomplish. Shift your focus and your heart will grow. —Rachel Brathen–
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This is perfect. What I needed to be reminded of. I have a migraine, so no yoga today at the gym. I think later I will get out my mat and so some gentle yoga. 💟
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Sounds so tough. Supporting you and sending love xo
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Thank you. 💟
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from the Secret Garden”
What you’ve got to do is finish
What you have begun!
I don’t know just how
But it’s not over till you’ve won.
When you see the storm is coming
See the lightning part the skies
It’s too late to run
There’s terror in your eyes
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say
“It’s the storm, not you
That’s bound to blow away”
Hold on
Hold on to someone standing by
Hold on
Don’t even ask how long or why?
Child, hold on to what you know is true
Hold on till you get through
Child, oh child
Hold on
When you feel your heart is poundin’
Fear a devil’s at your door
There’s no place to hide
You’re frozen to the floor
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and just say
“It’s this dream, not me
That’s bound to go away”
Hold on
Hold on, the night will soon be by
Hold on
Until there’s nothing left to try
Child, hold on, there’s angels on their way
Hold on and hear them say
“Child, oh child!”
And it doesn’t even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below
Or just come flying at you from across the room
Tell yourself to wait it out
And say “It’s this day, not me
That’s bound to go away”
Child, oh hold on
It’s this day, not you
That’s bound to go away
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This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
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You’re welcome!
It sounds so great in the song too! Really touching…
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Mine too! Thank you for posting this
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I hope your weekend got better. Xx
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